One thing that helps me with my relationship with my father is to know that I believe he didn't intentionally set out to harm me in any way. He did the best he could raising me with the knowledge and resources he had. His upbringing had an impact on the way he brought me up. He did the best he could with what the had. Not saying it was perfect or even good, but it is what it is.

Hello Taradactyl,

A common error that many make in doing the steps is to forget to make use of Step 3. The decision made in Step 3 is now being put into action and this is where you can turn your will, meaning your thinking and your life, meaning your actions over to the care of a higher power. If you do this the whole process of going through the remaining steps becomes a lot easier.

A good method of handling amends is to divide them into several categories. Put the easy ones under the Now heading, the slightly more difficult under Later, ones you will have a lot of difficulty with under Maybe and those few that you just cannot see yourself doing at all under Never. Start off with the Now column and do those easy ones. As you eliminate them one by one you will begin to notice that it is not so scary after all and suddenly, some of those names on the Later list can be tackled too. As you work through the Later list, a few of the Maybe ones may start to look easier and given the right opportunity you could tackle some of those. As you continue with this process there will come a time when you will view those people on the Never list in a new way and one sunny day, you may just make amends to those people that you never, ever wanted to see again.

We never look at or comment on the other persons faults because it is ourselves that we want to change. It is vitally important that you understand the previous steps in all of this as they all come together to form the big picture. One of the defects of character that you may have identified in Steps 4 and 5 is Inconsiderate and this one cover a lot. Willingness is the key to Step 6 where you agree to let go of those things about yourself that you find objectionable. In Step 7 we humbly ask God to remove those defects. Sometimes the change will come about quickly and other times it will be a slow process. When a problem persists pray for willingness.

Using the above system you should not have any trouble making amends to your mother. Be careful not to cause hurt to her, no matter what her faults may be. Many people have amends to make to departed family members and there are a couple of ways to do that. You can call to a grave and pray for the person or you can write a letter. Write a letter to your father expressing your sorrow as if he was still with you and when you finish you can simply burn it.

An understanding of how to deal with resentment should allow you to get rid of the anger. However, if there are deep-rooted issues from the past it is sometimes to take it further and talk to a counsellor.

What you should remember about holding on to guilt is that God will have forgiven you as will other people. You then have no right not to forgive yourself because if you dont, you are saying that what is good enough for God is not good enough for you. Positive pride and ego make people exaggerate their own importance and it is easy to see that this is not a good thing. The other side of the same coin is negative pride or negative ego where people continue to play down their own value and this is equally destructive. Finding a good balance is the key to success.

I thi nk we all do. Its pretty common for the alcoholic to hurt the ones they love the most. Long before we pick up the first drink. We hone the art of manipulation. We know what buttons to push and when to push them in order to get what we want. Thats why we say the alcoholic is selfish and self centered and self seeking. We aqctually take offence when all our powers of manipulation fail us. That is also why we call this a disease of the body ,mind and spirit.Our alcoholic minds have been trained over years to a fimely tuned machine of self destruction.As far as actions go. At the time we see nothing wrong with them. I showed up to my dads funeral on a Harley Davidson. I didnt have to do that but I thought I would stand out.I stood out alright my brothers and sister didnt talk to me for years.It was harmless in my mind and it should have been to theirs too. Apperantly not. Thats just an example of the "me" thinking. I have since made amends to my siblings and it was part of my graveside amend to my father. He deserved better. Greg

Tara I'll throw in my 2c's worth. Reading your query sounds like you are definitely willing....perhaps just not ready and able? Your sponsor advise is good. I went thru some years of analysis to understand my relationship with my parents. Although I never knew my father I still had a relationship with him (in my mind!!!) Those feelings are very complex and not easy to sort out and often we get no peace or resolution in this life.

This might be a situation where you can just be a friend to your mom. Have lunch with her once a month...go shopping. (I hike with my daughter who is your age). You don't have to burden her with your resentments over stuff a long time ago, there is nothing she can do today to make it "right" for you. Give her your time and tell her you love her. Baby steps.

I don't know anyone who doesn't question and have difficulties with family relationships esp the parents. I know you are a gifted writer so writing down perhaps a history of your relationship and how you feel today might be helpful to you at some point. As an adult you no longer "need" a father and mother. If they did their job right you are a capable and caring person....(perhaps thoughtless if your failing in your thank you's :D) but in the time I've know you thru this medium I believe they actually did a much better job than you acknowledge.

I also liked Nemo's story...there IS such a thing a Kharma.