I "quit" drinking for 2 years once... I was absolutly miserable. I hated my life, the fact that I was an alcoholic. I eventually drank because the pain of not drinking was WORSE that drinking.

This time ( 12 months ago ) I didnt "quit" drinking but I got sober. The only way for me was to go into a room and surrender. I was willing to do anything that "they" said.

This time is different. I dont sit on the side of my bed every night and bang my fists in the mattress. I actually kneel and thank God for a great day. My perspective is different. And I am staying sober.

The difference is what I am concentrating on.

The time i relapsed: The fact that i couldnt drink
This time: The fact that I AM SOBER, HOLY SH!T...

Change the focus. I can only handle one thought at a time and if i concentrate on good i by nature cant focus on bad

Get you some,
1is2

ill make this very short as to I really don't feel like talking right now. those very very long posts, I wont read, I can barely concentrate for 2 minutes let alone read some book... I last drank Thursday but most likely I will be drunk tonight. I have extreme suicidal ideations all the time, accompanied with depression, anger and hate doesn't do my mind well. going and sitting around a bunch of strangers whom I am scared to be around will do nothing for me. I did it for 90 days and look where I am now. the answer is YES, I am a failure, I cant stay sober so death is imminent...

your disease tells you that you are not sick. keep trying and try AA or NA

I will keep this as short as possible.

No, you are not a failure unless that is what you want to be.
You have a choice between drinking and seeking help but it is up to you.
You can be sober all of the time and happy most of the time but it takes action to get there.
Check out the help that is available.

It sounds like you are in danger. PLEASE consider getting help, either by calling a hotline or going to an ER.

Hotlines:

USA: Hopeline (Suicide): 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
USA: Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-8255)
USA: Teen Hotline Covenant House NineLine: 1-800-999-9999
USA: SOS Teen Hotline: 1-800-949-0057
USA: Grief Recovery Helpline : 1-800-445-4808

Link to DS page with more complete listings:

http://www.dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources

Please seek medical help. Thoughts of suicide and ongoing depression are not signs you should ignore.

Of course not! What sis you do to get those 90 days? If you can make it for 90 days you can make it again. I don't know if you went to AA and/or still going but relapses happen. Maybe it is about what you weren't doing than what you were.

If you were/are in AA then you need to get a sponsor so that you can get through the Steps and get sober. If you didn't go to AA why not try it now?

If that doesn't appeal what are you going to do in order to get sober?

"Are you a failure" No, but if your trying to quit drinking and drugging than your method is certainly a failure. Look deep inside yourself. Do you really want to be clean and sober? If you do want to clean up your act then decide to get serious and find out all you can so that you can fight win a chance of winning. I am here if you need help or support. Eric

so I did end up getting drunk and high last night again, this time it was just 3 days removed from my last usage. I was going every 10 days prior to that... I know this is going to sound like a poor attitude, but there are things I have tried and I didn't like so I wont do them again. not sure what is left for me to try because I have done most if not all... I lost my will to live the day sally died from a overdose of pills... not sure if happiness is for me since I am being punished by the "almighty one" .....

Seeing what I was like in my addiction helps me to stay sober today.

Lets see, I was : full of pity, selfish, unable to listen to others, hard headed, drunk, and VERY VERY SENSITIVE. oh and I drank over the bad and the good. So YES I WAS A FAILURE!!!!

Sobriety changed me. I am better. I contribute. I live.

Good Luck

But really thanks for helping me to stay away from that POISON that was killing me!!! You Rock!!!

sorry about Sally. I dont think God is punishing you. We need to let
go of some of our ideas to have a clearer path before us. again,
sorry. try the grief helpline 800 445 4808 You could ask a saint to
help you.