I would recommend Alanon.

It's a good place for you to be informed about alcoholism, and what to say, and more importantly not to say.

I've been to AA meetings in Hawaii, and they are great people with a relaxed atmosphere.

The ex-roommate has his alcoholism threatened when you mention to your husband that he has a problem.

Alcoholics love to befriend and maintain close friendships with other alcoholics.

Your husband sounds a lot like me. The numerous cycles of drinking, dieting, working out, whatever.

I'm not saying AA is for your husband, but it worked for me. It was much more than drinking. It was anger, defensiveness and resentments.

Those were the core issues. I haven't had a drink in more than two years. It works.

But you will only be met with anger and defensiveness by an alcoholic. They have to make the decision to quit. I suggest reading the first section of the AA big book. It's 164 pages and will teach you about the program and more importantly the mind of an alcoholic.

Glad you are here. I'll help you any way I can. There are a lot of positive ppl here with different methods of achieving sobriety. Hopefully one suits your husband.

I used to be the drunk husband. I also went on coffee and chocolate phases! lol i will say this. there is nothing my wife could have said to get thru to me. it actually would have made it worse.

We alchys are selfish and self centered. The booze is a way for us to escape the feelings of being less than and not good enough.

My life had to literally just come to a crash.. I remember the last night when my wife was sitting with me on the couch.. I would just look at her and say You dont understand, and she didnt. hel i didnt. I went to a church and an aa meeting and have not looked back since. That was june 9 2012.

I suggest to look at the wives of alcoholics forum on DS

Prayers

1is2many

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

Yes! My husband is SUPER defensive! We could be talking about movies or my personal walk with God, anything, and he will take the conversation to be about whether or not he is good enough and then take swipes at me, just put me down or blame me for something. He doesn't have the kind of anger where he'll throw anything or yell and scream. But he'll distance himself from me and get cold. When he gets cold he'll say hurtful things. He has a way of being Mr. Nice Guy one minute if he sees me sad or upset and then if I start opening up about why I feel hurt, Freddie Kruger will come out with the knives.

I can't predict him because everything will be normal for serval days maybe a week and we'll get along fine and then next thing I know he's biting my head off over things like me asking him where he parked the car.

That's the alcoholic mind. Doesn't have anything to do with drinking.

Your husband sounds a bit like me before I quit drinking about 4 months ago. I was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at times, especially towards the end. Somehow I finally got a good look at myself and it actually scared the hell out of me. I can only hope your husband can find the mirror that saved my marriage, and probably my life. He must be convinced that life is simply better without alcohol. No alcohol. It is a better life for me and all the people I love. I believe that with all my heart now.

One tip: My wife started to attended AlAnon several months before I quit. It got me to look closer at my life and how I was treating her.

Welcome!

Here is a link to the wives of alcoholic group:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

I have been dealing with this myself and it is difficult and painful. You have my sympathy.

Wow ejg I didn't know they had that resource here. Thanks.

Thank you! I joined the group!

Glad you're getting the support you need.

Thank you, all. I'm still learning about this condition. I am anxious to start attending the Alanon meetings and figure out what I'm supposed to do or not do. Because from I've been told (and from what I see) it seems like everything I say makes things worse (or triggers an argument). And according to his twisted logic everything is usually my fault. I KNOW it's not, but it still hurts when he says things like that.

For example, I'm in a good mood and I simply suggest we start doing something or do it more often. Like the other night I suggested date night. When I make suggestions he responds by listing off all the reasons why it's my fault that we don't do it in the 1st place. For example about the date night he said, "Well let's see... last weekend YOU did this... and that... the weekend before YOU had us going to this place and that place... and this weekend because of YOU we are going to this event...So if it weren't for all these things that YOU have us doing, we would be able to do date night." And yes, he emphasizes the "you". And he doesn't say it using a nice tone, but will pull away, cross his arms and can't look me in the face. All body language of anger / resentment. And God forbid if I try to defend myself I get dragged into a long drawn out argument for like 2 hours!

His defenses are up so high that when I say something his mind automatically tells him I'm attacking him so he has to come out guns blazing. And it's all because he's feeling bad about himself or whatever the voices in his head are telling him.

I feel like from now on, unless Alanon says otherwise, that when he starts getting down on me about something, that I just need to shut the conversation down. And tell him I'm not falling for his bait to drag me into one of his 2 hour guilt trip drama scenes where I'm defending myself for no reason.

Sounds like you have a good path to make it better for you in the short term. If he is an alcoholic, he will get worse. It's a progressive disease. Hopefully he will see that he needs help.

I'm an alcoholic and just know that you have helped me to stay away from a drink today.

As an active achy I just would be so self centered I didn't even consider another's feelings because that requires empathy. I had 0.

It all came crashing down one sat night and my wife was so mad she turned on the treadmill at the foot of the bed and wouldn't let me sleep it off. I was about to bust down the door and go drink myself to death or another thought. Go to aa. I found help and am amazed at the life I have now.

It is possible just don't enable. Prayers from ga!!
1is2many

Alanon would be the best place you could go. Meeting others who had been in your shoes and learning how they handled similar situations....what works and what doesn't. You can google meetings in your area.

Change came very hard for me. I was happy with the status quo and could not understand why every one else wasn't. Looking back on y life 7 plus years ago, I never ever want to treat my family the way I did when I was in the midst of my drug and alcoholism! I was selfish and could not feel the pain that others felt when I was drinking like a fish and doing things I would never have done sober.

I hope you can find the strength to realize your self worth and to no longer be used as your husband's door mat.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers:

God Bless!

Yep. It is all your fault, all the time. Doesn't matter what it is, you are to blame.

Unless he is in a good mood (sometimes that happens when only mildly drunk) in which case all is roses. Until it isn't.

My advice -- don't talk to him about his drinking -- ever -- while he is drunk or drinking. You don't mention whether you have kids, but if you do, then make sure he isn't driving them drunk and that he is okay when he is alone with them. You haven't been married for that long so think about how long you are going to want to live like this. it might not get better and it can get a whole lot worse. Sorry that I can't be more encouraging.