physical... Once i started drinking, I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried as long as alcohol was available to me. I planned to have a few sometimes but always ended up trashed. It was all or nothing. If the booze was gone before I could reach oblivion, I felt worse off than sober. It got to a point if I didn't have "enough" I wouldn't have any.

mental... Holy shit the obsession! I could not get it out of my mind. It was my entire focus. Everything revolved around the booze. I couldn't do anything without drinking or thinking about drinking. Still afflicted with this one though not as badly.

spiritual... Harder to explain. Basically alcohol was my higher power. Everything took a back seat. Instead of coping in a healthy way with my troubles, I drank. Booze was my "pause button". It was my solution to everything. Only now with some sobriety, am I really learning how to live.

The powerlessness is part of what keeps me sober. Knowing about myself that I can't stop it, I am afraid to start. I have no doubt anymore that all of the things that haven't YET happened to me WILL if I continue to drink. KNOWING that I am powerless, drinking is not an option. To drink for me is to choose destruction.

The unmanageability was more difficult for me to identify. This one kept me questioning whether or not I was a true alcoholic and had to stop drinking. It wasn't until things started to improve that I realized how out of control my life had really become.

physical... I drank to the point of missing work in 5 day blackout binges when I had planned to drink just one night and just one bottle.

mental... I PLANNED to drink when I knew it was going to cost me $1000 for missed pay. Before I took that first drink, I knew the cost and chose to drink anyway. I failed to beat the obsession.

spiritual... I have relapsed over and over, but with each period of sobriety, I have grown spiritually. Sobriety is becoming easier and I am feeling my growth. I am finding happiness without the bottle.

Good questions Nicky.

The mental and physical aspects can be explained through the Disease Concept of Alcoholism. The process of recovery is totally dependent on addressing the spiritual deficiency but I think that this spiritual dimension should be addressed as part of the recovery programme.

For the new person, Step 1 is enough to get started. There is a flow diagram type of sheet called Disease Concept of Alcoholism that explains it very well. I do not know the origin of this sheet but it probably came from some website. I will try to describe it below without the aid of the visual diagram.

Nine people out of ten can drink alcohol safely; they are at ease with it. One person does not drink safely; he is away from ease or dis-ease.

When a person consumes alcohol, the body immediately begins the process of breaking down the alcohol, as it does with anything else that we consume. It should be remembered that alcohol is a form of poison to the human body. Enzymes get to work and the alcohol is broken down, first of all, to a chemical called Acetaldehyde; then to Diacetic Acid; then to Acetone. Finally, the Acetone is broken down into Water, Sugar and Carbon Dioxide and the body gets rid of these in various ways.

For some reason the alcoholic does not have enzymes of sufficient quantity or quality and the process is not completed as it should be. The alcohol is broken down to acetone, but the acetone is not broken down completely, as it would be with a normal drinker. A certain level of acetone is retained in the body and it is this chemical that causes the allergy and the physical craving for more alcohol. One drink sets off the craving and it becomes stronger with each subsequent drink, leading to the well known spree. The alcoholic then emerges feeling restless, irritable and discontented. He or she is also filled with guilt, remorse, resentment and self-pity. There is often a firm resolution never to drink again.

Trouble is, we all have what can be described as an emotional barometer. When the barometer is nicely balanced in the middle section, there is no need to drink. Then the pressure goes up above a certain level and the urge to drink becomes irresistible. A couple of drinks cool down the emotions and the barometer returns to the safe middle area. Therefore, alcohol works for this part of the problem. All would be well if those little devils, the enzymes got their fingers out and broke down the acetone; they dont and so the craving develops and the whole circle is started again.

Therefore, the problem for the alcoholic is this physical craving. However, the craving will never occur if we do not take that first drink. Therefore, the main part of the problem is in the mind - the mental obsession for alcohol. In order to recover, something has to change in the mind. That something has many names; it can be a spiritual experience, where the answer comes in a flash, as it did to Bill W but not everyone will see the flashing lights. It is more common to get a spiritual awakening and this comes about as THE result of doing the 12 Step programme.

The length of sobriety is less important than the quality. You can observe some alcoholics at any AA meeting who have not had a drink for many years but are they really sober? They are what the Big Book calls restless, irritable and discontented. The alcohol has been removed but the emotional barometer is still there, only now there is no way of bringing it back to a normal level, something that alcohol used to do. Using the 12 Step Programme, we develop new ways of dealing with the emotions so that we need never drink again.

As alcoholics, we have always put ourselves first - we had to run the show, to direct the drama. We developed various traits or defects of character that were not very nice. Our thinking and actions were often wrong. As a result of all of these defects within ourselves, we built up barriers between ourselves and the spirit that is within each of us. You can call that spirit the God of your understanding. With the aid of the programme, we will tear down those barriers and establish a close contact with God. Somewhere along the way, as we work through the steps, we will experience a spiritual awakening that will lead to recovery from alcoholism.

For more information on this and on the 12 Step programme, see The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous by Joe McQuany. This set of six DVDs explain the programme very well straight from the Big Book, with plenty of good humour thrown in, and they are worth their weight in gold.

Thanks guys. When my sponsor took me through the drs opinion and the 1st three chapters of the big book it was an amazing experience for me. For the first time my incomprehensible behaviour was explained and I found out that it wasn't just me, other people had the same problems. I could admit my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life because I could clearly see the phenomenon of craving, mental obsession and spiritual malady reflected in my own experience.

Previous to that the solution in AA hadn't made much sense at all. But when I grasped the problem the solution started to make sense too.