Well we are in the same spot. Day one.
I too had 95 days sober. Felt great. Relapsed with a few glasses of red wine, then did ok for a few weeks before nightly drinking began to take over again.
I'm going to go to meetings. I'm going to take it easy. I'm not going to try to swim upstream alone. that didnt work.

GOOD luck to you. Don't feel bad, don't feel regret. Just get better.

hugs to you both. We're all human. Just try to take care of yourself now.

sorry to hear that! But I definatly know how it is! Dont beat your self up too much, its what you do about it that counts!! People in AA will be happy that you are back, period! They wont judge you!
Just keep your head up and try to learn from it....think of what it was that you were lacking in your program? the spiritual stuff can be hard but vital from what I have been hearing....Im still working on a better connection with my HP and trusting....

Hope you get to feeling better soon! I know you can do this! You are very intelligent and have helped me out a lot along the way!

you are in my prayers and thoughts!!!
Ashley

I'm so sorry that you slipped and ended up in the ER. And then drank on the heels of that.
But you're here!!! And that's a good thing!!! And you're setting a plan in place so that you won't have a repeat performance!!! I know about being tired of failing over and over again and how much it sucks. And also the realization that you can't keep doing this. When I finally believed it, I finally quit.
Good luck with AA and with getting your life together!!! I wish you the best!!! (((((Hugs)))))

sorry to hear this - dust yourself off and try try again (((HUGS)))

I thought of this passage when I was reading your post:

"We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help." BB p.25

I know I was beyond human aid. I had to stop fighting and playing God. It ended up being the easier, softer way compared to the hell I was going through not being able to put the drink down on my own.

Stop fighting.

xo

I too am at day one again, so I feel the feeling of regret and demoralisation. When Will I ever learn! All I can do now is start over, but at least I dont feel alone anymore. Thanks for the posts.

Up you get HTL. That time didn't work, so use it as a lesson learned. Look at what you did or didn't do to avoid that first drink. Time to try a different tact. Keep persevering and commit to your sobriety. You CAN!

Me too, day one. Started drinking on friday, stopped yesterday afternoon. Don't beat yourself up about it too much. See it as a hickup. Just dust yourself off and try again! I've come to realize the shame usualy makes me want to reach for the nearest bottle. Good luck

Thanks all.

I made some pretty clear mistakes here. I do this thing where I convince myself that I CAN use or drink or that I should be able to. Even if I know what I SHOULD do, I just don't do it. I should have called someone before getting the pills. It was literally a matter of 30 mins between when I realized I MIGHT be able to get a refill and when I actually did. I had canceled my Rx because I knew this was a risk - The pharmacy let me uncancel it when I was there picking up another prescription. I didn't give myself the time to think it through. I should have at least called my sponsor.

I drank because I had the fuckits. I was pissed at myself for screwing up and pissed I was going to have to admit another relapse to everyone. I felt insecure and abandoned by my sponsor - even though it was just a bunch of screwed up perceptions on my part. I thought I COULD drink if I stayed away from hard liquor.

CD, I don't think my ego had much to do with it honestly. You are right I need to NOT see mind altering substances as a solution - even if the opportunity does arise. I was doing well prior to this screwup, making progress in AA and in my life. I felt great on Wednesday and really thought I was on the right track.

My own opinion as to why I relapsed, and I think others who know me will agree. I struggle with the HP thing. I believe in God but don't want to "surrender" and ask for help. I have resentments toward God. All of it imo stems from lack of gratitude. I have a great life but I insist on self destructing because it doesn't look the way I want it to. I am sabotaging myself. I am ungrateful. I am unwilling to reach out to my HP for help. It took me a long time to get step 1 and now I can't get step 2. Without AA, I personally just can't put together any hope for myself. I don't think I can stay sober without AA because I can't wrap my brain around anything good to stay sober for - pity pot. I am trying to find in AA enough relief to keep hopeful. I was really starting to feel some good from it - I just wasn't stable enough. I don't know shit about staying sober on my own - I can't do it. I am honest to God willing to do anything my sponsor asks me to do.

I do still think I can get this. I just need to get back on track. It gets harder every time.

Howtolive,

You will eventually get sick and tired of being sick and tired (wonder where I got that from!). So true!

I had seven years of sobriety when I thought I was old enough to handle drinking again. I came to this conclusion because I kept putting myself in positions where a drink was readily available. I wasn't old enough apparently. It took me 4 1/2 years to reach my rock bottom. My rock bottom is 2 attempted suicides. I know if I start drinking again what the end result will be. I love life now. To me, clean and sober is the only way to live life.

We alcoholics have good and bad days. Drinking or using on either day does not help anything.

Its really simple: don't drink or drug. Think about how far down are you going to take yourself to reach your rock bottom.

Keep trying. I pray that eventually you will have had enough and quit what is making you so sick.

Hugs!

Tracy

I don't know. I really wish I could help you, but I don't know if anything I have to say will help, or if it will be a distraction from what you need to do.

So please take my comments with a grain of salt. They are just some thoughts about what I know and what you've said.

Our minds fuck with us. If I left the decision making process just to my mind I would still be drinking. The surrender (decision, acceptance) came from another part (spiritual, inner light, God) and then my mind is in agreement most of the time. That's not right. That makes it sound like you have to have an "aha" moment before you quit. And that just isn't true. You just can't leave it all to your mind.

It is all connected -- the spiritual, physical and mental. But I think it is the mental part that we have the hardest time with. You thought you COULD drink if you stayed away from hard liquor? Really? That must seem silly in retrospect. Not because you tried it and it didn't work, but because you know it could not have worked and you talked yourself into thinking it could or might or just pretended it was okay.

Lack of gratitude? That's an interesting thought. For me, feeling gratitude has nothing to do with staying sober. I am grateful that I am sober, but I am not sober because I am grateful. Are you making it too complicated? Attaching all kinds of thoughts and expectations to what you think a higher power should be and how you should think? I don't know. I might be way off base even suggesting that.

Can you try harder? I can picture when my son learned to read when he tried really hard. Trying harder for him involved clenching his fists and furrowing his brow. Sometimes he doesn't need to try harder, just differently.

Are you back to where you were other times you relapsed? I don't think so. I think you are starting from a new place. One with a different outcome than drinking or drugging again. You CAN do this. Listen to your sponsor and stay immersed in AA. You've met good people there -- rely on them when it gets tough (and us too) and don't EVER pick up a drink or drug without making phone calls to your sponsor and everyone else first.

My two cents.

((hugs))

I think I know what you mean ExJ. But too much information for me to process right now. I need to just find some calm for a minute. Or something. I am on overload. Freakin anxiety.

Anna, Next time you you think about drinking or anything else may might want to pull up the what you wrote today as a good reminder.
Yes I think you can do this also.

Alrighty then. I am glad you shared with us HTL even though I am bummed for you... I can only say I "know how you feel" cause Iv'e been there before. (Most here have). You can and WILL do this.. One day at a time.
I know what the f-it's feel like too. I get those now and then. Instead of reaching for a drink, I honestly find myself repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over and over again...I'ts helped me ....=) You'll be alright.. Prayers and Hugs! K