I've heard a lot of people telling about somebody on this site who is abusive. It doesn't surprise me. After all there is all kinds here trying to get better. Some are more sicker than others. I grew up with a father who was abusive, both verbally and physically. Back then we didn't know what abuse was. I don't think my father even knew he was. I learned abuse growing up. To me it was normal. I picked it up where my father left off. It used to be great during my younger years to put others down. Made me feel better than them. I remember sitting on the porch with my father drinking beer. We would watch people go by. He would say," Look at that asshole going by, look theres another one." We would sit and make fun of anyone. I always strived for my fathers love, so I tried hard to be like him. The only way I could feel close and have fun with him, was when we drank. Anyway, I went through life always putting people down. I really wasn't anything, but I thought I thought I was something more special than others, and people should know that. Later I got married. This may have been a mistake right from the begining. I was drinking and smoking dope. I thought I knew everything back then. I know I did not love her when we first met, but I thought I did. She was just foolish enough to say yes to me. All through the seven years we were married I was abusive. I didn't know it. To me I was just trying to guid her the right way. I would get mad and call her stupid, or asshole. I would screem and yell. i saw no wrong in this. To me she just didn't seem to swift. Back then I was so smart and knew everything. Many times I remember her crying or being scared. I was drinking so I didn't really care about anything except my drinking and dope. This lady tried her best to please me, but she couldn't. I was an angry person. I blamed everything on her and her family. She even had two beautiful babies with me. The cops were called many times and I was charged with demestic assault. I was so sure that I was right and she was wrong that I stayed for the cops because I truly beleive I had done nothing wrong. Eventually she kicked me out. I got into trouble for some other stuff, and decided to go to treatment so I wouldn't go to jail. While there I swore up and down I was a good husband and father. I argued all the way through and even after I got out. During one of my short lived sober periods I started to question myself about abuse. I would here it in the meetings, but I would never say I was. I didn't want them to know I was f---ed up. I started to look at the times I remembered having my kids with me when I bought crack. I drove them to dangerous places thinking I was responsible because I left them in the car locked up. I drove with them drunk and while I used drugs. I lied and justified things so well that I actually beleived my own bullshit. during this period of sobriety things started comming back to my mind. I remembered getting mad because my wife had to have her teeth taken out, due to her diabetis. I remembered I got mad because it would mean paying money and leaving me with less for drugs. Some of these things I started sharing in meetings. I felt awful about the things I was seeing about myself. I met this other older lady and became her boytoy. I didn't know what that word meant then. I was just so lonely that it felt good to be with anyone. Because she also was in A.A. we shared alot. I talked to her honestly about my past. While together I tried my best to be a good person, but I found it very hard. I had never been in a relationship sober. It was scary. Sex scared me, but she was good. She taught me alot. And she was caring. A few times I would blow up, because it was very hard being intimate. Finally I needed to drink, just to relieve the pressure. That relationship ended very badly. I was charged with domestic assault again. I tried to stop her from hitting me, but I was still charged. That relationship almost killed me. I started shooting coke so much and lost the veins in my arms. The anger I felt was terible. I truly loved this lady with all my heart. Afterwards I kept thinking of that word abuse. I thought back to my father. Even to cosider that he was abusive seemed like a sin to me. But I kept at it. He's dead now, but I can say that he was abusive and that I learned mostly from him. That doesn't mean that he was bad or awful. He was a good father in alot of ways. He provided well. But to get honest takes a lot sometimes. I'm surprised at how much denial that I was in. Like I said I really beleived the bullshit I told myself. By comming to the truth and facing things honestly I have been releived of so much anger, bitterness, resentments and a host of other things that kept me going back out. Instead of blaming my wife for the failure of our marriage and giving me no access to my children, I can look at it and say that she did the right thing. I would have done it sooner. She put up with me for seven long years. Today I'm glad that life is over and I feel that I can love now. I avoid anger at any cost, and I'm good at it now. I read in the paper sometimes about a person thats killed his family because he couldnt deal with those emotions. I know what that is like. I had those thoughts too at one time, but today I pray for my wife. I pray that her and my children are happy and blessed with everything that they need. I truly wish her all the goodness that life can give. I also thank her now for throwing me out. We need that pain so we can see what we done. the best gift that I could ever give to them was to just leave them alone and let them live. I have done that, and I am ready to move on now. Thank God.
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