Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I never felt afraid of anything before. If something seemed scary, I just got up in it's face. I got pissed or drunk and that felt safe.
Now "pissed" is bad if I want to stay sober.
This "surrender" has me feeling vulnerable and afraid of everything. I don't think I understood until now what faith and courage meant.
It is terror at times, usually overdramatic if not completely irrational, like I am in danger. Other times it is just self centered and stupid, like if you ask for a bite of my sandwich there might not be enough for me. Or what if I made the wrong decision and "fuckit" is not an option anymore? Or what if how I do the laundry is wrong so I better not offer to do yours. Or what if volunteer my help and you ask for it later. If I give you something will you think you are entitled? What if you don't like me - there's a new one for me.
What is all this crap and why can I not sleep? I feel like all my defects are surfacing. I feel scared and guarded... My space, my time, my things. Don't touch.
I am feeling handicapped by fear lately.
Just a rambling insomniac tonight. Hope no one bumps this after 8 am tomorrow... I don't want any distractions as I try to pull up my big girl pants before work.
Now "pissed" is bad if I want to stay sober.
This "surrender" has me feeling vulnerable and afraid of everything. I don't think I understood until now what faith and courage meant.
It is terror at times, usually overdramatic if not completely irrational, like I am in danger. Other times it is just self centered and stupid, like if you ask for a bite of my sandwich there might not be enough for me. Or what if I made the wrong decision and "fuckit" is not an option anymore? Or what if how I do the laundry is wrong so I better not offer to do yours. Or what if volunteer my help and you ask for it later. If I give you something will you think you are entitled? What if you don't like me - there's a new one for me.
What is all this crap and why can I not sleep? I feel like all my defects are surfacing. I feel scared and guarded... My space, my time, my things. Don't touch.
I am feeling handicapped by fear lately.
Just a rambling insomniac tonight. Hope no one bumps this after 8 am tomorrow... I don't want any distractions as I try to pull up my big girl pants before work.
One thing to remember about roaches. When you turn on the light they scatter.
Hope your day is full of light!
xox
thanks for bumping this up.
From the moment I "met" you, I knew you were tough as nails. One of "those" girls that play sports, will never, ever back down from a challenge and fiercely loyal if someone you care about is threatened or in danger.
I can totally see how uncovering the soft, vulnerable, feminine side of your kick ass & take names later persona would be painful & difficult.
You don't want to feel fear because you're not accustomed to it. If a 250 pound, 6'7 tatted up biker dude can uncover his "soft" side while getting sober, then YOU my friend can do it too! You just don't want to and you know it! :)
Night time insomnia for "us" especially in early recovery and making a major life change (divorce) is extremely dangerous girly. You keep posting.
You need to check yourself sweetie. It's OKAY to be afraid, it's OKAY to feel vulnerable & it's OKAY to let yourself cry. Give in and you'll find some relief, I promise you that!
It's OKAY to let your guard down for a bit and check yourself. Search your soul Anna, waaay deep down in there is where the gunk is....and it needs to get out so you can get some relief.
You're talkin yourself into a drink....a weekend bender it sounds like to me. I smell it...you smell it Anna? :)
Okay I must tell you this to lighten up the mood a bit....ya know who you just sounded like up there ^? In the old ass movie "Stripes", when the platoon is sitting around introducing themselves to each other...the badass dude says
"The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you. And I don't like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you. "
(yes I looked that up, I did not remember the entire quote from memory) So then Sgt. Hulka says "Lighten up Francis".
That's what I'm saying to you Anna, "Lighten the eff up Francis". :) love you! Girl you gotta give it up, give in, get it out, get down tonight.....OH! Get down tonight...get down get get down get down get down tonight....oh...get down tonight... lol! :) For you my love.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lu81z2E6pE
:)
Faith in your higher power is a good way to address the fear. Pray like there is no tomorrow and you might feel better. I do.
You'll get through all of the fears - if I did - you can too.
Another way I deal with fear is to ask myself if what I am afraid of will matter in 100 years from now. Why that helps, I'm not sure but it does seem to help.
And stop reading about cockroaches!! Just try to avoid them and anything else that generates fear.
By the way you are very funny and that sense of humor will help get you through a lot I think.
And guilt is a killer - it does nothing for us or anyone else. It's a tool for manipulators to use - nothing healthy about it. So chuck it somewhere - take your worries - write them down and put them in a drawer. That way you won't worry about forgetting to worry about those things - but you will be free of them for awhile so you can breathe. When you want to feel the fear and worry again they will be right there where you put them - for you to grab again. Really - it works - give it a try. And good luck - fear is a bitch.
Shelly, I gotta hand it to ya... As I was flipping out, I kept thinking to myself THESE posts always preceded a downward spiral into a relapse.
...I assure you though, I have absolutely NO plans or desire to drink again. I do have to stay humble - but I will say I really feel like I am doing the deal this time. My thinking is different. My whole outlook on life is different - partly due to my divorce but also due to everything I learned at treatment and the suckass bottom I hit detoxing last time.
I feel a thousand times better tonight. I spent 8 hours making my house into fort knox (thx tiff). Changed all the locks out. I am staying one more night at my sponsor's house and will move back home tomorrow.
I am still afraid, but I am doing my best to not let it alter my life.
Tomorrow is a new day. I am looking forward to it. Meeting marathon in the am. Even hitting an NA mtg with a friend at 9:30 and then going to an art festival and then it is clean house time.
xo
For June 3rd
I want to be central in your entire being. When your focus is firmly on Me, My Peace displaces fears and worries. They will encircle you, seeking entrance, so you must stay alert.
Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold. There is no fear in My Love, which shines on you continually. Sit quietly in My Love-Light, while I bless you with radiant Peace. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving Me.
Nice one I think!
SOOOO glad you're feelin better sweetpea! You are my hero! :) Loves ya much!