I can know I am powerless over alcohol. I can know my life is unmanageable while I am drinking. But I can still fight like hell to have what I want until I am ready to throw in the towel. I have a pain threshold and a will to win. I don't want to die trying to "win" my own way.

I don't want to drink. I have 2 weeks sober and am doing okay. I am trying to focus on the benefits of sobriety. I know I have not surrendered though. I know it will get difficult again. I only know to fight the desire to drink with all my might, but that is my willpower not some miracle.

I am starting the steps with my sponsor, but I really don't think I am getting step 1. I know I can't yet get step 3. I am faking it. That's what they tell me to do, fake it till I make it. It's tiresome.

That's something that is really difficult to describe.

I had really fought going back to AA. Not because the program doesn't work, because it DOES work and there was a part of me that didn't want to stop drinking. If I went back to AA I would have to give it every effort. I wasn't ready. I needed an out... just in case.

One day I'd had enough. This time I had the sincere desire to stop. I believed God would help me if I just ASKED. It worked the first time. The other times I tried to stop on my own I didn't bother praying because I needed that "out".

Anyway, I got together with an old AA friend, poured my guts out for a couple of hours, went to a meeting the following day, and have been working the program pretty diligently ever since.

The effort is so well worth the rewards you will get. It takes some longer than others, Anna. I was blessed that the desire to drink was lifted right away. God's grace. How else can I explain that? I can't.

It doesn't have to get difficult again. Keep it in the day and don't worry about two weeks from now. Continue the work with your sponsor. And be open minded and listen to those who have gone before you. They've been there.

Rambling, I know. I'm tired. LOL

xoxo my friend

~chris

Oh I wish I could help you........

I was so beaten down when I decided to quit, I would not wish that on anyone......and many young people are getting it early now.

My love to you

incense for you tonight!
I will send strength

Namaste

When alcohol and drugs beat me to my knees, I found I was right where I was supposed to be. When it hurt enough I had become willing to go to any lengths, and I went there.

Just me...but I don't believe in "faking" it. I think the goal (by faking it) is to behave your way to success.....I really don't know. The idea of faking it seems to me to be very contrary to what the big book says....paraphrasing..."those who fail are those who can not be honest with themselves and work HONESTLY the steps as we have proscribed." Honest is the word that jumps out at me.

Time was the only thing that really helped me. Knowledge in itself is never enough....it is the acceptance of that knowledge then putting into practice the methods which help overcome the desire to drink. Ultimately for me the desire NOT to drink was stronger than the desire TO drink. When you "kick" the physical addiction the battle is only partially won but it IS an IMPORTANT win. Building on that win by choosing not to drink each day (and night) and finding other ways to cope with the daily stress, anxiety, sadness, happiness....basically life is the challenge.

It really does help to come here as my daily reprieve to discuss with others and share in their success and joy, as well as their sorrow and setbacks. However I do find other things to focus on, cleaning the house, work, my Gson and family, exercise and a nice cup of tea as a reward in the evening. I swear by Chai.

I allowed myself to love myself.

I'll get back to ya on that...

I found this all very confusing at first - and I also knew that I was far from the only one! You hear a lot of varying opinions around the rooms so it is important that you have a sponsor who has recovered by following the Steps exactly as they are laid out in the Big Book who can guide you through this.

You are actually asking about Step 1 and Step 3 here.

Step 1 first.

An easy way to see if you are probably an alcoholic is to ask yourself whether you have little or no control once you start to drink or if, when you have made a genuine commitment to not drink you find yourself drinking once again. You might answer "yes" to one or both of those questions.

To really take Step 1 100% I had to realise that I would drink again against my will, without intending to and I would not see it coming.

That is the reality of an alcoholic's plight.

That is why I am powerless over alcohol.

My life is unmanageable as a result. All the crap that happens associated with my drinking iis a by-product of that fact.

Everyone's life is unmanageable to a large degree, drinking or not, we cannot control everything in our lives and what happens to us.

AA is a spiritual programme for a reason - our dilemma is lack of power and so we require more power to solve the problem. Other people are not the answer for the same reason we cannot rely on ourselves and our faulty thinking. The biggest problem an alcoholic faces - together with the physical allergy - is delusional thinking while in active alcoholism.

So the additional power must come from a Higher Power. God, as you understand Him/Her/It and it does not have to be a religious God either. That is where you are considering Step 2.

You need the God/Higher Power that you can believe in and make the beginnings of a workable relationship with. Letting go is all about letting go of self will and asking your God for help with the things you are powerless over while doing all you can with what you CAN do. God is now the controlling force, not you. You have "let go and let God" - as you will hear in AA.

That is how I understand it.

Hi, Dunno
Came to a meeting , Identified with the Hell I had been putting myself through. Asked for help as suggested, thanked those giving me help (Hp) and the Fellowship folks. Listened , got involved and through step work, service and enhancing my spiritual life threw alot of my old ideas out the window.

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.
pp.25-26
I said Uncle , Nothing to intellectual , You Know !! Just a simple reliance , Which brought change.
Billy

Cmon CD. You are repeating back to me what I know. My whole point is I am aware that I am holding onto my will, but that awareness dies not seem to be enough for me to consciously and deliberately give it up.

Seems to me you must know when the surrender happens and how you got there. For some "enough is enough" - pain got them there. For others it seems something they work toward every day. I am asking if there is something I can do, besides go out and drink back some more pain, to get there.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

...not adding words.

High bottom drunks get sober too. Is it only a matter of pain threshold?

How can I learn to let go? For 35 yrs, I have lived on self will. I have a pretty good life. I have known since I was 22 or so that I needed somehow to surrender my will, but I have felt fear. Then, I imagined I needed to live a life of service and sacrifice. Now I am not so sure how to surrender. I don't think I am more powerful than my hp, but I am getting by.

Thanks Billy and Gailly. Making some sense.

B - your words suggest I do exactly what I'm doing as best I can which is what I am doing. Maybe I am waiting for some big moment of "surrender" that isn't going to happen.

G - maybe part of my problem is that I see it as my will getting me drunk. Then my question becomes how do I come to see it differently?

I know I am never going to be able to drink in a normal way. I know I have the consequences if I keep it up. I believe step 1 enough that I can try very hard to do the things I need to do to stay sober most of the time. It seems I am not "ready" to let go of the bottle completely. I'm trying to make the shift at my core.

Faking having taken a step won't do it, I agree. "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." Hard words there in the BB. Start with step 1 and don't look at the others yet. The steps build up on another and you won't be ready to do for example the 3rd if you haven't done the first two.

Hi Howto,

I whiteknuckled it for the first 6 months. At that time, the compulsion to drink returned. And yes, I had been running on pure self will, thinking still that although I may be powerless over alcohol, I stiill managed my life pretty darned good. And higher power? No, thank you.

I kept everyone at arm's length. When they would ask "how are ya doing?", I would smile and say the code word "OK", even though I was crazy as a loon. I would walk out of meetings and go home to continue roaring my way through other's lives.

When the compulsion to drink returned, I was terrified! I went to a meeting that night and swear to God, I got honest when that was my last intention. Hmmm.....at that moment, my compulsion was gone. That night I had my first conversation with a spiritual entity.

My compulsion to drink never returned.

The only difference between you and me in the beginning is I just refused to drink, no matter what, and kept myself in meetings. I was willing to hurt to not have to drink.

Hi howtolive, let me split your question back to me into two halves.

Firstly,"maybe part of my problem is that I see it as my will getting me drunk."

I hope I understand what you mean here, we can - and do - make choices by our own will whether to drink or not before we cross that invisible line into alcoholism.

As alcoholism is progressive, whatever willpower we may have gets less and less.

I may have been able to stop many years ago on my own power and not need AA, but I did not want to stop while there was yet time. I don't when I crossed that invisible line and I didn't realise I was bodily and mentally different from normal drinkers.

It became too late for me to stop by my own power but I did not realise the nature of true powerlessness with regard to alcohol.

The second part of your question: " how do I come to see it differently?"

I had developed those "strange mental blank spots" that the BB talks about - when all memory of what had gone before was strangely absent, logic and reason were temporarily absent too and could not prevent me from thinking the next drink was suddenly a good idea. I was therefore without defense against the first drink before I picked one up.

My sponsor showed me my visual blind spot with an experiment with markings on a paper and helped me to understand that it was a graphic illustration of how a mental blank spot happens.

It helped me to realise that my will or intentions had little effect upon the outcome at certain times.

That is how I came to see that I was without the necessary power to do this by myself. My own mind was not to be relied upon, my best thinking was faulty.

I wasn't going to trust someone with my life - or to do my thinking for me (that is why I needed a relationship to build on with God) but I was open to explanation and guidance from someone who had been where I was. I was prepared to be totally honest, open to what I was learning and willing to do what was necessary as set out in the 12 Step programme.

Hope this helps you a bit. This kind of thing is always better talked out in a one-to-one with the Big Book to hand but you may just see what I am trying to convey.

I'm not really sure whether I get step 1 or not. It just seems that I don't. I feel like I am deliberately ignoring reality. It's like I KNOW where this is headed for me and I KNOW I can never be happy while holding onto some "hope" (not belief) that I can continue on self will. I don't even know that I hope I can - I am just putting off the inevitable. Fear is a better word than reservation I think. It's like some internal defense mechanism won't allow me to surrender.

Gr8 - That I can understand. I have fought like crazy through white knuckles, but I eventually got tired I guess. What you describe, I think I can do... Stay sober and fight UNTIL surrender comes. I have others talk about hitting an emotional bottom after remaining sober for months. I have felt SO incredibly close to giving up with "I can't do any of this anymore - Help me God." But then I pull back, not out of stubbornness but more out of fear.

Gailly - Yes that helps. Thing that I know is I do forget. I suffer EVERY time I take a drink because I can't feel good. It isn't even about control or not - I feel like shit when I drink - It doesn't work anymore. I forget when I start craving escape. I surrender ever time I feel the pain of drinking and then I forget and do it again. I believe it's because I'm not really fully surrendering.

CD - I don't want to continue as I am. I want to surrender. I know I'm making it more difficult than it needs to be. I dunno. The reason I posted this is because I want to know if there is a "how to". How do I let go of my defense mechanism of holding on.

Once in my life I surrendered to something more powerful than me. My dad had this "thing" - he liked to wrestle me into submission and then taunt me. I always fought because I thought if I just tried harder, I would be able to beat him. One time when I was 8-10 yrs old, I was so frustrated I just went limp and started sobbing. I gave up. He stopped with an "Oh Anna stop it. I'm not hurting you." I only came back later for more - so full of anger. I did finally get strong enough. Did it solve anything? No. What's my point? I guess that is my M.O. - fight until I can't then do it again. Makes me feel doomed.

Rationally, logically. I need to give it up. I "can't".

I'm going to stop talking now. Feel kinda silly for not "getting it". Some good replies here though. Thanks all.