Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I have hit some hard bottoms. My benders were train wrecks for sure. Problem is, I drank UP from my last bottom. I was "determined" to get back to where I used to be a couple years ago. That said, I am an alcoholic, no doubt in my mind.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I lay there planning out how I could talk my husband into leaving, sell my house and all my shit, keep working for a year or two while living out of my car, build up enough savings so I wouldn't have to work and just drink until I was "done." A train wreck bender dream followed.
I have been an emotional pissed off anxious sober mess for the past 2 days. Couldn't handle it. I needed relief. So I am drinking tonight again. I am controlling it. Just got 2 bottles of wine. No train wreck yet. I hit a bottom 2 weeks ago and again a few days later. Wrecked. All day all night for a couple days each time, but then I drank this past Saturday and it was "okay." Still got trashed but it wasn't the same. Tonight it's like I rewound 2 years and am just "chillin." Still not good, I know. I need to stop but all of a sudden can't muster the want.
What is going on? This isn't supposed to happen. It's not supposed to get better, just worse. I feel like a fraud. I should have known this was coming. I tried to stop drinking so I could have a kid. I stopped because OTHER PEOPLE wanted me to stop. Benders became unbearable. I lost hope in having a kid. Stopping for friends was never enough. Now I am drinking again. I feel guilt. I feel like this could go on forever. I NEED to stop. WTF? I am playing with fire.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I lay there planning out how I could talk my husband into leaving, sell my house and all my shit, keep working for a year or two while living out of my car, build up enough savings so I wouldn't have to work and just drink until I was "done." A train wreck bender dream followed.
I have been an emotional pissed off anxious sober mess for the past 2 days. Couldn't handle it. I needed relief. So I am drinking tonight again. I am controlling it. Just got 2 bottles of wine. No train wreck yet. I hit a bottom 2 weeks ago and again a few days later. Wrecked. All day all night for a couple days each time, but then I drank this past Saturday and it was "okay." Still got trashed but it wasn't the same. Tonight it's like I rewound 2 years and am just "chillin." Still not good, I know. I need to stop but all of a sudden can't muster the want.
What is going on? This isn't supposed to happen. It's not supposed to get better, just worse. I feel like a fraud. I should have known this was coming. I tried to stop drinking so I could have a kid. I stopped because OTHER PEOPLE wanted me to stop. Benders became unbearable. I lost hope in having a kid. Stopping for friends was never enough. Now I am drinking again. I feel guilt. I feel like this could go on forever. I NEED to stop. WTF? I am playing with fire.
Pity pot? For sure.
Chris, my husband watches tv when I drink. He's pretty sick of it. I have some control when he is around most times. Alone, I have no control.
CD, I am not proud at all. I am confused because when it doesn't hurt it is harder to put it down. "Control" just means it ends when I pass out and can get up for work the next day. I don't mean it as though I am some normal drinker. I'm not saying it should continue.
I am going to a meeting tonight. Picking up 2 friends to help set up chairs and make coffee.
Watching Charlie Wilson talk about his recovery. Nice. I got no excuse. There is only one way to get my 5 mos back.
I feel like a dumbass for posting this. My bad.
I agree with CD and would add (and care) .... "people who understand" and care. Have a great meeting....I hope you hear something you need.
((((hugs))))
Thinking of you!