Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I have hit some hard bottoms. My benders were train wrecks for sure. Problem is, I drank UP from my last bottom. I was "determined" to get back to where I used to be a couple years ago. That said, I am an alcoholic, no doubt in my mind.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I lay there planning out how I could talk my husband into leaving, sell my house and all my shit, keep working for a year or two while living out of my car, build up enough savings so I wouldn't have to work and just drink until I was "done." A train wreck bender dream followed.
I have been an emotional pissed off anxious sober mess for the past 2 days. Couldn't handle it. I needed relief. So I am drinking tonight again. I am controlling it. Just got 2 bottles of wine. No train wreck yet. I hit a bottom 2 weeks ago and again a few days later. Wrecked. All day all night for a couple days each time, but then I drank this past Saturday and it was "okay." Still got trashed but it wasn't the same. Tonight it's like I rewound 2 years and am just "chillin." Still not good, I know. I need to stop but all of a sudden can't muster the want.
What is going on? This isn't supposed to happen. It's not supposed to get better, just worse. I feel like a fraud. I should have known this was coming. I tried to stop drinking so I could have a kid. I stopped because OTHER PEOPLE wanted me to stop. Benders became unbearable. I lost hope in having a kid. Stopping for friends was never enough. Now I am drinking again. I feel guilt. I feel like this could go on forever. I NEED to stop. WTF? I am playing with fire.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I lay there planning out how I could talk my husband into leaving, sell my house and all my shit, keep working for a year or two while living out of my car, build up enough savings so I wouldn't have to work and just drink until I was "done." A train wreck bender dream followed.
I have been an emotional pissed off anxious sober mess for the past 2 days. Couldn't handle it. I needed relief. So I am drinking tonight again. I am controlling it. Just got 2 bottles of wine. No train wreck yet. I hit a bottom 2 weeks ago and again a few days later. Wrecked. All day all night for a couple days each time, but then I drank this past Saturday and it was "okay." Still got trashed but it wasn't the same. Tonight it's like I rewound 2 years and am just "chillin." Still not good, I know. I need to stop but all of a sudden can't muster the want.
What is going on? This isn't supposed to happen. It's not supposed to get better, just worse. I feel like a fraud. I should have known this was coming. I tried to stop drinking so I could have a kid. I stopped because OTHER PEOPLE wanted me to stop. Benders became unbearable. I lost hope in having a kid. Stopping for friends was never enough. Now I am drinking again. I feel guilt. I feel like this could go on forever. I NEED to stop. WTF? I am playing with fire.
You know damn well that sober doesn't hurt more than drunk, you just think so at the moment cause you're hidin in that bottle having a pity party.
Okay, "no train wreck" YET. Honey, you know you'll crash....probably quicker this time than last cause ya know what? It only gets worse each time. As God is my witness girl, that is the truth and I would be willing to bet that everyone who has ever attempted sobriety can attest to that fact. WORSE, NEVER EVER BETTER......
So.....Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas huh? That sounds appealing to you? Come on old girl, you're better than that. Live outta your car until you drink yourself to death?
I would tell you to pour it out, but I know you won't. Finish off what you've got, get your ass in the bed and sleep it off and then you fight tomorrow. You're not a wuss! You're a fighter dammit, now snap the fuck out of it Anna. Love you & you'll be in my prayers tonight when my head hits the pillow.
Someone said to me today... "maybe some just never get it." Yeah, some never do. I pray you're not one of them. But, then again, you just might be.
Okay. You know my thoughts on this, Anna. Been there and done that. Buying just two bottles for the evening might work for awhile. Don't count on it remaining that way.
Good night. Love you a lot. But you already know that. You're always in my prayers.
xoxo
~Chris
I know exactly what you mean when you say that sobriety is harder than drinking - that is my experience too. Sobriety was hard until it got easier and it did get easier. I have heard it said that when someone has a drinking problem and stops drinking the problem goes away but when an alcoholic stops drinking the problems are just beginning. Alcohol has offered itself up as a solution to the underlying problem of alcoholism (spiritual malady, unmanageability, inability to cope with life, feel right or normal etc etc etc) - take that solution away and the pain, loss, betrayal, rawness, emotional pain, fear etc is almost unbearable. It was like that for me in the beginning anyway. I did find a solution to all of that but I had to really want it - i had to see that feelings do not always tell the truth and regardless of how it felt at the beginning sobriety was far less fightening in the long term than drinking. I had to stop believing the lies that alcohol told me and start to see it for what it really was.
Please PM whenever you can - I understand. x
"I drank UP from my last (again, I thought there was only 1) bottom." I'm sorry but what that fuck is that? drinking UP from a bottom? I can't drink "up". TO ME that is ridiculous.
I'll probably get blasted, but Anna, really? That's some off the wall shit right there.
Take care kid. Praying for ya.
The process is different for all of us, but the outcome about drinking is the same. It get's worse never better. I hope that you can pull out of the funk before it gets worse. I promise you it will.
In the meantime it is my sincere desire that we all stay in the process and learn whatever we need to learn, so that we can live life without drinking.
It took a lot of honesty to tell where you really are. Thanks for coming back, and don't stay out there. Please.
Love you deeply,
Darrell
Yes - you are playing with fire. If it seems like things are getting better when you're drinking - wait awhile - because it ALWAYS gets worse when we drink.
Drinking is a life or death choice for alcoholics.
Hitting a bottom generally describes what happens before we get sober and stay sober.
Maybe you haven't hit your final bottom yet - hopefully you don't kill yourself before you do. Don't do this to yourself.
My homegroup is 15 minutes south of you. I consider it to be the most serene group that I have ever been to. About a 50/50 ratio men to women.
It's weird but I hang with the women. We are going to grub tonight to celebrate my friday night's date 24th sober birthday. God, they would so love to have you, they are straight up a freakin' riot.
PMing ya my #.
Soon it will not feel good to drink. Maybe it's what you need right now. You have to quit for you. I am sure you will reach that point again.
Take care of Anna.
Much Love, :)
Pam
You know about alcoholism. You know all this stuff yet still you drink. Therefore your current knowledge is nothing. You are insane (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result).
No one can do this for you. I live on my own and getting sober was the hardest thing I have ever done; I had no one to nag me. Yet, I wanted to 'get it' and just felt like I kept hitting the brick wall.
I nearly went back out when I started to move away from AA as, of course, it was their fault that I didn't have a sponsor. Luckily, my current sponsor saw this and caught me.
You know you need to do action. Get in a 12 step program Anna and start dealing with the things you are escaping from.
No cotton wool coating here....alcoholism kills if left untreated.