bob I am sorry for things going this way on you...I have been divorced in sobriety and it hurts and there is no drinking to numb things...but it is the right thing...me and my ex are still friends but we split on her request...the thing was she also cheated too...it hurt but it was not on me to keep her from having sex with another...it was on me to understand my role...I had basically cut her off in the relationship over something I am not even aware of why... under your circumstances I would just put it down to why she wanted someone else other than you? It surely will hurt...but take her stuff away from her....she gets nothing! simple she is ending this with her affair! lawyer up and make it tough...mine was so simple...just get signatures and we were done...nothing fought over except a cast iron jockey that I claimed and she had in her locked garage....I got it back and signatures came off easy....

oh on the giving her the letter...USPOSTAL rules are pretty specific.....you did the right legal thing....that old flame had gone out but it rekindles into new romance...your romance is gone now I am sure...give it to the end of your romance and do not try to rekindle it again ever.....

hugs bill
ps do not listen to advice from drunks...LOL

Thanks Bill. What u said made alot of sense to me.

God Bless!

Very sorry to hear what you are going through right now, you did the right thing giving her the letter. I don't have nearly as much sobriety as you do, but I admire the fact you did give it to her, I don't know that I would have been able to do the same. Eventually they would have connected. You sound very strong. I wish you the best through this tough time you will be going through. Stephanie

Thankyou Big Bear. I know it will pass and life will get better but it's getting through all the bull to get to the other side that's the hard part, in fact, it's raising y, already high blood pressure. I just have to keep telling myself that I did nothing wrong. She is the one breaking our vows. I always seem to try to absorb guilt for some reason, maybe because that's what I am programmed to do being an acoa. Life just sucks right now.

Thankyou Steph I just hope that my High Power takes pity on me and guides me through all of this so I can continue to do the right thing.

~~~Peace~~~

4 years is some good sober time under your belt. We find we CAN get thru anything sober. Drinking doesn't make it any easier as well you know. As far as the letter goes....well perhaps they deserve each other and YOU deserve BETTER!!!! If not HIM then she would have done it with someone else. If not "the letter" then facebook or someother way. Hopefully you will focus on YOU and YOUR needs and what your life will look like after the divorce. Be sure you don't allow you anger and resentment to cause you to make bad choices....if you can truly release her then you will have freedom to make the right choices for yourself. This could turn out to be the best thing in your life!

Thankyou poo yea I understand what you are saying but I discovered recently that my wife is going to rub my nose in this because her bf lost his job so she is moving him in with us against my wishes! He can no longer pay his rent. I just hope he uses his unemplyment check (if he gets one) to help out with the household expenses. My question is do I help out or do I stay by myself and do my one thing and live my own life? I can't afford to go anywhere else. If it's not one thing it's another. Is my good nature being tested or what?

~~~arggg~~~

So sorry to hear this.All the best to you.I m not an expert but but I guess your HP will help you thru.

bob I would demand him out! end of discussion get a gun and see to it he stays out! I am sorry that is too sick of your right to a home...and wife is the other I would demand out too!

I don't think anything wreaks as much havoc on this alcoholic as codependency. I'm rockin' along with all of my convictions but when put to the test, where am I really?

I've always said I'd rather live in a cardboard box than live in a way that's not healthy. But would I really?

Don't know what happened to your marriage Bob but seems to me that your wife must be highly resentful of you to disrespect you this way. I'll send some prayers your way.

OH MY GOD...I can't believe I just read what you wrote...I even read it twice. On what plane of reality do you live in that this is OK? She needs to pack HER bags and GTF out of the house with loser BF. If you can't afford to live by yourself in the house then move ASAP. That is a relationship begging for disaster. In no way, shape, or form can this be construed as helpful or healthy for ANY of you. What a nightmare. You need some distance right now to see straight. Both emotional and I think physical distance.

DO NOT...DO NOT enable this relationship by giving in to these demands. She has no legal or moral standing to even ask....much less demand.... he move in with you. YUCK

Here you go...this is what you tell your "Jackie"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyVuYAHiZb8

I don't know your living situation -- if you rent or own a house. If you rent -- get the hell out and find someplace else to live.

If you've bought a house? If you can get a lawyer (or try for free legal aid) -- do so. Do NOT let her move her boyfriend in. And if you leave instead of her you might be giving up some of your legal rights.

Sorry you are going through this nightmare -- please look out for yourself and what is good for YOU. Not her or her boyfirend. YOU.

your story mimics mine....except it was phone calls (1 day after we were married) and emails i will not delve into my drinking habits......she gave me choice family or drink.......i choose family.

i was dead cold sober for 7 years.....then the grass got greener and the knight in shining armor rode in.......it was the sign of the times

you never pay a price for honesty.....you only reap the benefits it takes time. how can honesty not be rewarded the gifts of knowing self?

Bob, 1st I want to comment on your reply#7 why in the world would you even think about helping out financially from reading your post over time I think your smarter than that?? Co-dependent or not that's no excuse!

You have been asking for advice on other boards about this and my question is how much more advice do you need to make a decision how this going to play out??

As far as cruising the 4 years that you have in recovery this deal isn't about when things going good and everything is great its about when shit hits the fan and how you react to it either in divorce, a major health issue etc.. that's when you find out what kind of program you have and the quality you have, understand?

About crying the blues because you have no car to get to a meeting I would think there are people in the program that would be wiling to pick ya up so that just sounds like a excuse.

So I guess the bottom line is do you think your program is weak when you thought it was strong and what do you need to do about it??

Time to stand up for yourself. Do not even THINK about letting her do that. Victimhood ends NOW...