Things are starting to feel better aside from the sleepless nights. Tired days are still better than hungover days. I honestly believed that I wou;dn't have any withdrawal symptoms, in retrospect that was some pretty high-level denial. The withdrawal symptoms have in some ways shaken me in to taking this much more seriously than I have in the past. I'm not drinking again today. The four days I've gone so far have been hard. I'm spending all of my energy just not drinking. Some of the things that I thought would be extra hard, haven't been as bad. It's the afternoons at work that I struggle with. The voice says 'go get a beer. go do it. maybe just run down stairs and order a shot. just one. no one will know. You won't even be drunk. Maybe after work? you can just have a couple? Not a big deal!'. No voice. It is a big deal-I'm killing myself with alcohol and I need to take responsibility for it. 

In some ways alcoholism and depression have some things in common. When depressed people say 'just try not to be so sad!', with alcoholism it's 'just don't drink!'. So easy from that perspective to just be different than I am. The last year or so I've thought so much about quitting drinking that it feels like someone else is taking my body to the fridge, opening the beer, pouring it in a glass, drinking it. Who is that person forcing me todo the very thing I don't want to? It's me. It's my addiction. I feel sadder today, more tired, less committed but I'll get there. I'll keep going. I'm not going to drink today.