I'm back again after about 4 years. I was in prison after getting messed up with opiates, crack, and booze, of course. I got out on Feb 3/ 2015, and what's the first thing I did? Well, I just had to celebrate my freedom by drinking. Seemed alright at first because I started with the hard booze. Just a sip here and there. Went good for a few days. But prices sure have changed. I couldn't afford to pay for a bottle a day. So I started stealing it. I can be pretty good at that. Soon I was thinking that doing robberies again would be good. After all, I'm experienced now, right? Boy, I started my old shit, spending my whole days trying to sustain my booze. Got stealing some small stuff one day. The owner chased me. I do have to say that prison did get me in good shape. All I did was work out, and read. anyway, this guy was chasing me. I had to jump out a second story window, was running down the street. I even passed a cop directing traffic, but I guess he didn't want to get involved. I ran pretty good, but I had my nap sack with me. I forgot I had my new cell phone in it, and probably things with my name on it. I through it at the guy to get away. He did go after it and I ran. after I got away, I started thinking I may need that phone and stuff. I was scared about going to jail again so, what does an alcoholic do ? Get a pack of smokes and a 6 pack of beer. I seen this wino in the alley, so I thought I sure could use someone to talk to right now. I gave him a beer, but as soon as he started to talk I knew I was alone. So I went of on my own. I downed all 5 beers in about 5 minutes, then took about 15 Tylenol 3s. It made no sense to me to be arrested sober. Man, after I couldn't walk right. My legs wouldn't do what I wanted them to. I'm one of those drunks that usually don't seem drunk when I am, but this wasn't one of those times. Downtown some holy roller was preaching from a microphone. I thought, "Boy, I sure could use God right now". So, on the corner in front of all these people I let him pray for me. Later I went back to the guy who chased me and tried to talk to him. He didn't want to talk, but he did say he gave the bag to the police. So I went away. For two days I was full of fear about being arrested, but that didn't happen. I went back to the guy and tried to talk again. This time he talked a bit. Told me he just gave the bag to the police, but wasn't charging me. I felt much better about that, but still needed to see the police. I did, and now I have to wait to see if I can get my stuff back. I might not. I just bought that phone a few days before this. Cost me a couple of hundred dollars. Anyway, I kept drinking. I got into some more major shit, but that's another story because this is pretty long already. Anyway, it was getting real hard stealing booze everyday. I had to go to a different store almost everyday, and sometimes I would get caught. They don't do much here for trying to steal from the liquer stores because so many people do it, I guess. But you get banned from the store. It was really hard work, and I was getting tired. I felt like a piece of shit about how I was living and acting. I didn't like myself. Thoughts about suicide started up. Fear, depression and all the other good stuff came to. Finally I just couldn't stand it. I was either going to end up in jail, or I was going to kill myself. every bad thing I ever did started to play continuously in my head. It took 2 days of trying, but I'm on day 3 now, and feel much better. I've thought a lot about everything. I'm 54 now and I just can't live like that. This was only a little of the whole story since I got out. Only 2 months ago, but it feels like a year. I've gotten to 2 meetings already, and I feel good about that. I've decided that I'm really going to try and stay sober. I've really got no choice. It's either that or kill myself. I can't live like that. I'm at a shelter right now, and not in the best of neighbourhoods. It seems like all around me are people that are down and out from booze or drugs. I don't want that. It really scares me to think I might die like that, but I won't. I would rather kill myself than live like that everyday. Anyway, God has been good to me again and helped me out. I do feel like I've finally surrendered. I feel at peace, and believe me, there is no desire to go back. I am familiar with recovery tho. I know I need to be around sober people right now. So I will do at least a meeting or two a day now. I'm not working and I have time on my hands, so I need to keep busy, and just focuse on today, and not drinking, and go to meetings. That's not to bad for now. I even talked to a treatment place on Friday about this. I'm going tomorrow to see about it. I haven't made up my mind yet. I've been to treatment places about 6 times already, and I've been around A.A. for years, but I've also been very stuborn. The past really bothers me. My wife, kids, and my own family. A lot happened that I feel very bad about, and it just doesn't go away. Some people are dead, and it really breaks my heart about the way I was, the things that happened. Anyway, today I'm sober. Thank God.