As is said - cunning, baffling, powerful. I don't have that desire to drink today. I attribute that lack and my current state of mind to those 12 steps. It sure wasn't my will power that made me stop.
Keep at it. Whatever you do, please don't quit until that miracle happens...

Hugs,
Dennis

thanks Denny. I won't give up......refuse to be a failure.

I

Drinking occasionally....sounds like you havent yet accepted your alcoholism. For me I know that an occasional drink isnt possible. I've never known how to moderate booze so if I do pick up that first drink, I'll be back on the downward spiral of active alcoholism.
For today, I know that. I hope that all the things I do to stay connected with a God of my understanding, the program, sponsorship and being sponsored, etc. keep me spiritually fit. As alone I too would do that slow suicide dance.

Do you have a sponsor? Working the steps actively? Have a service comitment? Going to meetings?

I have had 2 sponsors. Told both of them I need to work the steps and have yet to do it.
I go to meetings as often as I can make it. crazy but after a meeting
I think this is a mental thing. I really need to learn to love me. Never been easy....always have put everyone else first.
I won't give up....it is progress not perfection.
Thank you for your reply...I need to stay grounded and you have helped.

Have you looked at the big book. The drs opinion and the first three chapters explain really well why we continue to drink even when we know that the consequences are so horrendous. If you understand why you do that, the admission of powerlessness in step 1 might be something that you can connect with more. Then you will more easily be able to see the relevance of the rest of the steps.

It isn't AA meetings that enable me to stay sober. It is the 12 steps.

I wonder if these affirmations ring true for you:

1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.

2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.

3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.

4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.

5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.

6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.

7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.

8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.

9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.

10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.

11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life

12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.

13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

They are from Women For Sobriety -- you might find that this support group can help you in addition to AA.

http://womenforsobriety.org/beta2/

Hey Im middle aged and my liver was about to explode. My enzyme levels were triple the high number.... So what did I do when doctors told me? go to a bar and drink the pain away.

Then one day I deciced that I was done. I went to a room and deciced to do whatever it took to achieve sobriety. I made the line in the sand. To drink was to die.

That was 9 months ago. I have fought and with the help of some other alcoholics am finally clear enough to live life without alcohol.

Good Luck.
1is2

DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND

Hi again. If you havent worked the 12 steps you havent "done" AA. You can be "in" meetings just like you could go to a lecture on say mountain climbing but never climb. Until you actually work through the steps, you will not have the spiritual awakening that the BB is talking about. It was that awakening that took the obsession away. Its that awakening that allowed me to progress into recovery and recovered. It requires ongoing steps and applying the principals to the best of my ability in all my affairs. It started with a sponsor and working the steps 1-12 in that order.

Good luck.

I think uncovering the "why" is a big part of sobriety. I find a common thread in most "programs', in terms of getting very honest with yourself and peeling back the layers. Although I'm not in AA, I think that the 12 steps is partially designed for this. But you really need to get some help before it's too late. Have you considered therapy? It's another way to get honest with yourself.......of course, that will only work if you are totally honest with the therapist.

1is2many has a great post. That was me, in and out of programs, AA,
DUI, etc. Finally had a physical and the good Doctor told me that my liver was failing, I had very high blood pressure, and nerve damage that was causing neuro damage to my blood vessels.

Not only was drinking ruining my marriage, my finances, and other things, it was literally destroying my health.

I finally drew that line in the sand. Hope the OP can as well.

Hello akacountrygirl,

One of the many things that used to annoy and confuse me when I first went to AA meetings was this reference to the insanity of alcoholism. I had a good job, was putting my children through college, compared to other people I had not done a lot of crazy things after drinking and had never been in a mental asylum so no way did I suffer from insanity . Then someone explained the insanity of alcoholism to me and it suddenly made a whole lot of sense.

For the purpose of illustration you may for a moment consider an apple pie that is sitting on the table and has been cut into slices. Someone takes a slice but 90% of the pie still remains; someone else takes a slice but 80% still remains. Someone who is insane may have a whole lot of pieces missing and that person may have to be locked up. However, in the case of the alcoholic, only a thin sliver of the pie is gone, the bit that concerns alcohol. Nevertheless, the pie is not complete or whole anymore and likewise the mind of the alcoholic is not whole.

The insanity of alcoholism is not a reference to the crazy things that people do after taking a few drinks. Instead, it refers to the thinking that leads up to taking the first drink. Drinking may have caused all sorts of problems in the past (such as cirrhosis of the liver) and many other painful outcomes and a sane person who experienced those things would never drink again. However, in the case of an alcoholic the memory of those past episodes will be cast aside and the insane idea will enter the head that a couple of drinks would not do any great harm. Once the first drink is taken a craving develops for more and the circus starts again. Such a person is defenceless against the thinking that leads to the first drink, regardless of willpower and a genuine commitment not to drink again.

Going to very many AA meetings is likely to help an alcoholic but meetings alone will not restore sanity. A fundamental change has to occur in the persons thinking and the means of bringing about that change are not usually available within our own resources. Therefore it is suggested that we ask for help and undertake a programme of recovery such as the Twelve Steps. By taking the suggested action, sanity is restored and the obsession for alcohol which drives an alcoholic to take the first drink is removed.

You asked the question: Why do I drink when I know it will kill me? It is just like I am punishing myself by committing slow suicide. Just don't understand why I do it. Now you should have the answer to the question. The next logical question is: What am I going to do to restore sanity and you will get the answer to that one from a good sponsor as I did.

I heard a couple of brilliant answers to your question. The first i heard to ,why oh why, was I, "Why not" as i went along staying sober and growing it was like What more of spiritual angle could growth be than actually enjoying learning new things and being a part of a life well lived !! The third later in my soobriety Was "Why"? "So what" I'm just another person on this planet not better nor worse trying to live a productive life "Sober " Of Course :) Without feeling obligated to this crazy world we live in , Other than to enjoy it and give back all these brilliant lessons I've learned along the way:))
Billy

You don't have to understand anything. I don't understand why I am not drinking. My God took away my cravings, I ask and thank him every single day. I cannot understand miracles. I don't even want to. Ask your God to help you. Ask for strength. Your God loves you! My heart goes out for you. You're suffering, you're in pain. Love yourself, please.

"I really need to learn to love me."

The way I was able to love myself, the good, the bad and the ugly, was to complete my 4th and 5th steps. I realized I wasn't as bad as I thought I was and am not as good as I can get.

Work the steps, you will get where you want to go.

Your own reply #2 has it for me:-

'I won't give up......refuse to be a failure'

Yep my problem was my thinking.

I had to change the way I looked at alcohol and when I thought it was a fight and I was a failure I kept drinking. When I finally admitted I was powerless over alcohol and truly surrendered...my journey began. I surrendered to win :)

Then came the 12 steps.....as I heard 'it is step makers that make it'.

Come join us and start the steps.....you have nothing to lose and everything to gain :)