Hi. Im guessing its quite early days in reality and there's a lot of anger in you,. It's natural that you vent at those around you, it's not pleasant for them or you but the fact that you are aware of your behaviour means that am some point you will be able to modify and use up your anger energy in a more positive way. Those that love you will understand and will be patient. Good luck.

I can only explain how it was for me - I learned in AA that the booze was not my problem, it was my answer. A drink was the answer to everything and it stuffed down and anaesthetised my feelings.

The result was that, for all those years drinking I failed to grow and learn emotionally. I was the problem, not the alcohol.

Take the drink away from an alcoholic like me and you are left with a mess.

That's why I needed AA - to learn how to function happily and deal with my life problems in a healthy way. I was spiritually and mentally stunted by my years drinking.

Stopping drinking is the easiest part - it's how I stay stopped and find a useful and happy life that is the hard bit. Hard at first, but so beneficial in the long run.

Hello KiS...remember you posting here before by the way, months back. Try to stick around this time eh?

I identify with that feeling - that there must be something terribly wrong with me, couldn't speak to people without damaging them or pushing them away in some form. And experiencing all of this without a drink...how could I live well if the experience of being me was painful?

That's where I had to make a choice - did I believe what these folks were telling me or not? Did I believe that if it had worked for them, it could work for me or did I still believe that I was in some way different? That there really was something so awful about me that would mean I couldn't get this recovery deal? A sense of being better than, but less than - flawed and defective.

I was in a quandary, a lose/lose situation. Stood at the turning point. I took the plunge anyway, both feet in no holding back. Still here to tell the tale. Hope it works out for you.

So am I right to say you have attended AA and had periods of sobriety before? Has your experience of being sober always been diffucult or did you have periods of feeling positive? If so, what did you do with them - did you use them to give back a little something or did you get straight to trying to sort out your own problems?

Paul

"A sense of being better than, but less than..." - you hit the nail on the head paulokes.

kis, we're all so different yet so similar when first putting the bottle down. I was not prepared for the rage and mood swings when I first stopped. I had started AA meetings and was active but for some time, I had to sit on my hands until that damned obsession was removed.

Another thing that worried me was the Higher Power thing mentioned in the steps and talked about in the meetings. God had been irrelavent to me for many years. I cringed every time the word was mentioned but I followed the suggestion to ask "God as I understood God (or Buddah, universe, door knob)" to remove my compulsion to drink. It happened. Waddya know?

I was such a piece of work, my husband left me when I was a year and a day sober. If not for AA, I would have said "f---k it" and drank. There I found the support (any time. day or night) and a sponsor who took me through the steps. I had to get real with some issues. Others I addressed with a therapist.

My gift to you is the truth. It took me a damned sight shorter amount of time to learn how to stay sober and live by spiritual principles than it did to get to that place of alcoholic lonliness and despair.

Please get involved with a recovery program. It doesn't have to be AA. I think you would notice the mood swings calming down once you take action. Godspeed kis.

Yiour tag says it very well. "Keep it simple."

There is a misconception in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that it is just about not drinking. That is so far from the truth.

The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous can only be found in one place. The book, "ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS." Those of us who have been blessed to find a Sponsor who will guide us along the promised Twelve Step Path to Recovery.

If a person tells you to just not drink and go to meetings, keep looking for the one who will ask you if you are really willing to go to any length to recover and stay recovered. Our Program does not fail.

this whole going to any lenghts stuff to me sounds like a way to force people into doing things that they dont want too.

Yes KiS...the 12 steps forced me in to doing things I didn't want to do.

They needed to be done though

KeepItSimple - when I realised I was a real alcoholic, I had two choices -
1. work hard toward massive change and acceptance of spiritual help or
2. die an alcoholic death.

This is a terminal illness that my mind fooled me into thinking I hadn't got - I was deluded. Delusion is a symptom of the problem, that's why it kills so many people.

Getting sober is the first part, but sometimes that is like treating a symptom. There are often underlying issues in our lives that we try to bury with the alcohol. THen we get so used to medicating, we forget what we were trying to cover up.

I think you need some type of program to help identify your underlying issues. Once you begin to treat that part of ourselves, the anger will start to fade. It's a matter of learning to cope with "the real you" or to face "the real you"

This is what any good recovery program will do, or counseling, or the 12 steps. Are you working a program or attending therapy? Are you reading recovery information and literature about alcoholism?

Going to any lengths for me, isnt about anyone forcing anyone. I tried my way and I could get dry, I just couldnt stay that way.
Sometimes I'd stop drinking for a few days, sometimes a few months, a few times a few years. But Id' pick up again and each time I was "worse."
So i was willing to do anything it took to get sober. I wanted to believe in the worst way that I could not only get sober but enjoy my life and all its blessings.
So yes I was willing to go to any legnths-- I was willing to do just about anything to get drunk whenever I wanted.....or to use whatever/ whenever I wanted....the "any legnths" in comparison in my program seem like the softer gentler way.

i did try a outpatient center but the groups there were comical to me, they knew i had mental illness and they stuck me in a relapse prevention and i only had 2 weeks clean at the time. i did try AA twice and i just felt so out of place i didnt want to be there. i dont read much right now, just dont feel motivated to do it. i do appreciate the information and life experiences you all are sharing. what is the root behind my most current relapse is the pain i was dealing with sober when sally killed herself, and losing my kids. that is way to much to bear sober, i need to be so numb i cant even think. plus my depression, my anger, my anxiety, all that is untreated and cant be treated for another 7 months. i feel as if i am doomed to death because nobody in this city gives a shit.

Is anyone here NOT in AA?

Yes KatAnda there are a few of us here that don't do AA. Why?

Kis, it's a common thought to say a person has tried AA by attending some meetings but meetings are just a fellowship and trying AA means going through the 12 Step program for anything significant to happen in the way you feel. Then you have really tried AA and I have yet to meet anyone who regretted that journey.

The 12 Steps is a journey that takes work and commitment - willingness, open mindedness and honesty. No one here or anywhere can give you that desire to follow through - it must come from a desire for wellness and a chance of happiness that comes from within.