I remember having all this anger with my father .Very long story. I still had it a year after coming into recovery. My mother had just past away and at her funeral I was just waiting until she was buried then I was going to bring to life this scenario that was going on in my head.

I was going to go over to my father who was pretty frail at this time and rip of his head .the hatred the resentment the anger I was feeling at that moment.

But as they laid my mother to rest it was as though she heard what I was thinking and reached out to me and instead of ripping his head of I felt all this hate, resentment and anger leave my body.

It felt like if someone walked up behind you and pushed you from the back a jolt and my next thought was how can I be a better son and though my father and I were never close I was able to forgive and I was the one who was at his beside holding his hand when he passed away.

I know its hard and sometimes impossible to forgive but as hard as it was for me it was the best thing I could have done. Another long story.

Some people still control others lives from the grave scary. But there is one way to stop that Forgivingness. Besides if I wanted to be forgiven for my past I better had been prepared to forgive others.

Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often

God Bless

Lionel.

Thanks Lionel. Keep em coming my friend.

your story reminds me of my roommates story. His father was violent, very violent. At the age of 9 his dad took a baseball bat and hit him in the mouth knocking out his teeth. all the kids (9 of them) were afraid of their father. anyway, his father went over to vietnam as a contractor during the war. he came home with a new wife (bigamist) and 3 more kids! he then deserted his first wife and the 9 kids he already had leaving them in abject poverty. his mom persevered and raised those children on her own while working several menial wage jobs. well, jimmy was never going to do anything more than spit on his grave whenever the old man died but instead the program (and, of course, God) did an inside job on him and he ended up going to his father's deathbed, forgiving him, and making his own amends. he now says he realizes that his father was just a scared little man and in forgiving him he could himself be released from the bondage of hate and fear.

Lionel, thank you always for the threads you start! :)

In early sobriety years ago, I had such hatred for my father's second wife. He died of MS when I was only 15. I found out she had been having an affair while my father was ill and she married this man only a couple of months after my father died.

Not a day went by that I didn't think of her and want to spit in her face!! It consumed me.

When I got sober some years later, and started working the Steps, this was at the top of my list for resentments. Couldn't let go. My sponsor suggested that I write a letter; I can choose to send it or not. Just get everything down.

I sent it. It was pretty long and I wasn't accusatory and kept things to how her actions made ME feel (I had a good sponsor). I received a 16 page letter back from her which explained a lot. I didn't even need the explanations really. Just the act of writing it and sending it was freeing. The anger and resentment were gone. Completely.

It was really pretty cool. :) And not as tough as I thought it was going to be. There's nothing worse than walking around with that awful feeling inside when we hold onto that stuff.

It's our choice whether to free ourselves of it through forgiveness and letting go or wallow in it and be miserable.

I'll choose the first these days. Hey, that's just me. :)

xo
~Chris

Resentments held me back from being able to forgive. I felt forgiving past hurts would threaten the protective coating I'd created. When I was able to forgive, I removed the power resentments held over me and the hurt inside started to heal and I started to focus on more positive areas of my life. Forgiving isn't forgetting or excusing behaviour, but I've come to believe that punishing those who hurt me is God's job, not mine, and I trust in God to do his job.

.............forgiveness only helps "you" it is a good step. but in all honesty......................i wait .....for honesty...........life teaches lessons.


just a wink.................i never forgive............i try to understand and hope a conversation surfaces. i sometimes think that forgiving is a form of judgment. offense intended if taken.................forgive me.

I would like to thank everyone for posting and sharing your experience.

God Bless...

Lionel

inonuthing -- "forgiving is a form of judgment."

This is why I always read your posts. I don't always understand them, and then I read something like this that makes me stop in my tracks to noodle it over.

I think you are right. But forgiving can take away (cancel, erase?) the resentment you feel at "being wronged" then you can reach acceptance without the judgment.

And Sober2Day, thanks for sharing -- that was a powerful story.

Ah its a choice. I kept forgiving my father but he keeps doing new things that piss me off. It the most difficult process i ever had to approach in recovery. I forgive but i definitly dont forget. nice posts and responses much food for thought thanks.

I still hold on to a few grudges but am reading more on forgivness now. Thank ya Sober for good post. Given me something more to read. I know seeking revenge just aint right.