trying to get other people to behave like i think they should is the most effective way i know to escalate my own anxieties. inside my own psychotherapy, the question is, how do i get myself to quit minding other people's business?

I appreciate your comments and candor. First this is not about what "I think" but pretty much everyone- our sons, her friends And this isn't just about her but me too. Right now she hovers over me 24/7 because of her anxiety. So at around 9 P.M she asks when are you coming to bed and I need to say not now and she might just lay down and look at the ceiling and then come out stressed with some delusions arising from the stress. And she says she's unhappy and wants to get back to where she was before.

As I noted in a prior post, she can cogently analyze her situation but cannot seem to implement her own recommendations not just mine. Regular Jenny and I are on the best page with our future, just not anxiety Jenny and unfortunately anxiety Jenny has been running the show not good for my wife,. her family, her children , or her health. And Anxiety Jenny is not just happy with being in her own quicksand but wants me to be there too.

I would suggest that you use the depression - which is what's creating the difference between taking care of herself and finding the balance again.

Here's something we did when 'hovering' became a major issue.

Before doing it, though, make a schedule of routine as it is now, and a schedule of the possible choices next to the first schedule.

It will force a decision and when the decisions are marked this way for a certain period of time, then it's time for a medical psychiatric check-up.

I guarantee it will make a change (not necessarily the one you want)-and at the least, you will have found the control switch in the routine. It's a different way to handle this, since the depression is no longer cycling,

Women can have cyclic depression and not realize its impact on their daily living activities. When you add it to generalized anxiety, it's often hidden behind other triggers.

You are not alone in this. I do usually say to stay out of others' business, however, in this case, it's affecting everyone else to the point of 'tiptoe on eggshells'. That's not healthy for anyone ever.

further apology.

please note the first person singular. i was only sharing my personal experience. advice giving is not my strong suit.

may your circumstances remain vastly different than mine.

Had an interesting discussion with a my wife's new therapist. I was surprised; she said she didn't think therapy would be really useful. She indicated that the depression really didn't make sense; if my wife could deal with cancer, a tough job, and divorce with children (indeed while pregnant) why would she have serious prolonged depression over a move. Indeed she developed horrible anxiety just picking out a house.

She suggested that if there were a physical cause that would explain why medication was ineffective. Indeed various types of anti-depressants have accomplished relatively little and the therapist thought this was unusual. People had diagnosed situational depression.

Now the therapist had suggested mini-stroke as a possible diagnosis and at first glance that might explain the dramatic change in behavior. But mini-stroke or transient ischemic attack has symptoms of
Slurred speech and difficulty in understanding others
Vision problems Weakness, numbness or paralysis on one side
Loss of balance dizziness
.
Other than vision loss she doesn't seem to have these. But this new therapist suggested a physical reason could explain why medication and therapy have to date been ineffective. I talked to her old therapist and ask about an overall plan and specific goals but she noted that she provides some modest goals or objectives- get outside etc and those aren't done. .

The new therapist mentioned possible infection but the last blood test was normal. So still working on direction.

Sadly, after my husband's cancer surgery he suffered delirium (a serious change in mental abilities) and he never completely returned to his full memory or normal behavior. I believe his mental decline was a combination of several factors: multiple opioids and medications introduced in short period of time, devastating diagnosis, pressure from his extended family about the estate, forced retirement after 40 years on same job....too much all at once. I'm keeping you and wife in prayer. Offer gentle, loving care...no forcing (if possible)

Here's a medical link about delirium, just another thought: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/delirium/symptoms-causes/syc-20371386

Wow a lot of similarities to my wife in this post on delirium. However my wife can quickly return to 90% of her functioning which in social situations is well above average. She speaks well, has a keen sense of other people, is patient, and smiles. So we went to a neighborhood function, thank G-d she agreed to go, and was very engaging. That said the next day she returned to sleepy and depressed and house-bound. Curious about whether your husband had that.

Otherwise there are a lot of similarities.

I appreciate the possible diagnosis but she has no memory problems and that seems to be a component of either delerium or dementia.

I’m sorry that y’all are going through this. Much love to you guys. ❤️

Bobby, do you think some days your wife over uses her medications making her sleepy or lethargic? I’ve been thinking about what you said about finding her pills under the bed. It’s curious she doesn’t just flush them down the toilet but “hides” them under the bed. Almost a child like response. I’m glad you had a good time at the event with your wife.

There's definitely a child-like quality in her actions now, coming back from the supermarket she takes a large amount of ice cream, I tell her no more, that's it, 1/2 hour later I hear her moving things and now she going to take more, along with some other sweets. Self-discipline is gone, and I think the sugar can knock her out. I can buy a bag of apples for the week and find there's gone in a day.

But as to meds right now she's off anything. Talked to my therapist and trying to figure out the next step, therapist questioned the purpose of going to a psychiatrist if my wife has decided against any medication.

Your therapist makes sense about the psychiatrist except if that doctor can provide access to testing, etc. You have a huge burden and bear it with as much dignity as you can muster up. Being hovered can’t be pleasant. Has your wife ever had a brain MRI or similar or one of those tests with electrodes that tests the functioning of the brain?

Thanks for the followup Hasty.

My wife had a brain MRI. There was a little question about one part of the report, three physicians have read it as basically normal. Additionally she had a CT Scan again read as basically normal. Our new 3rd or 4th neurologist has suggested another MRI and one other test which deals with functioning. Not sure what the second test with electrodes you mentioned.

One book on analysis and thinking basically said, don't overlook the obvious; a lot of symptoms seem consistent with anxiety and depression, and she recently seems worse having gotten off her medicine. For reasons not entirely clear, in 18 + months, she has never adhered to a psychiatric program.

It can be hard dealing with her. From a person who was friendly, personable and got along with pretty much everyone, talked after she overheard me talking with my brother about his son's wedding, my wife said, what kind of crap you talking about and I told her of a small city in Mexico where the wedding might be, she said there is no such place.

She's just in a bad mood today staying mostly in bed.