I struggle sometimes with how my life use to be and what it is today. I remember reading the book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle.

It's ok to grieve for what use to be. However, I find living in the moment takes away many of my stressors.

I pray you have a beautiful holiday and embrace lovely moments throughout this season.

hello again, bobby. sorry, but not surprised, to hear that you still haven't restored "bad jen" to her former glory. my own approach to supporting loved ones through the transitions of life is to live and let live. i live my own life while letting them know i am here to help when they are ready for their own next step in their own good time. i ply therapy tools to my own desires to cajole and manipulate them according to my own opinions of what is best for them. i figure my own job is to just accept and love them as they are until they understand themselves.

again, i ask, how are **you**?

Happy wife, happy life, does apply as does the converse. Let me clarify that most of this is about what will make her happy and fulfilled. I have another family member, had a bad divorce, and keeps to himself. He goes out relatively little, but basically reconstructed a new life for himself doing what makes him comfortable. Someone said he should be going out with more women and I said, that's his business, and he seems reasonably satisfied with the structure he has. The question is - is this working for you.

For my wife, no it's Not working. And calling our children multiple times during a busy work day, because you have relatively little else to do, and being upset because they are sometimes unreceptive to the calls, is not a happy way to live. Walking around aimlessly and talking about how happy you used to be but how things are so bad today does not indicate satisfaction. What seems to work for her is an active social life and an organized schedule.

And it is tough because new Jenny does not want me to ever leave her side. So when I was shopping for even groceries with her in the car, I hear a loud announcement Mr. Gordon to the courtesy counter, as she has become anxious because I'm not there. And my son usually patient, is frustrated because she disregards his sensible suggestions about getting better, but nonetheless calls him during the day for advice which she routinely disregards only to call him the next or following day with the same comments and then again ignore his advice. .

I hope you have followed up with the testing. In the meantime, it sounds like you have not accepted that it’s her choice to remain as she is or take steps to get well. In the situations you describe, you can go forward alone to functions. You must explain to her in a gentle but firm way that you are going forward with her or without her. Give her the option to get ready to go or stay home alone. Refuse to cajole or coax. That’s what tough love means. Because it is harder for you to do what is necessary to force her to make the choice for herself. If you died tomorrow, what would she do? Do you love her enough to do what is in her best interest? You cannot do this for her, it has to come from herself. Right now she doesn’t have to make a choice because she knows she can count on you to give in and go along with her condition. But you cannot keep giving in, you have to stop the cycle, the enabling that keeps her from facing her own demons. And eventually it will swallow you up too.

nobody ever saved a drowning victim by drowning with them.

set a good example and take care of you. as much as i would love to stick screwdrivers in the ears of my struggling loved ones to tighten those loose screws, healing really is an inside job.

prayers ongoing. . .

Thanks so much for the advice. Had a good therapy session. My therapist suggested Jenny should be doing relaxation exercises and agreed to teach her during my session. But my wife was periodically uncooperative, once throwing a pad down and then complaining she did not like the music and we spend at least 10 minutes getting new music. I was somewhat vocal about having her cooperate.

Hearing this, my therapist said I was too tough a little dominant. That did not represent our relationship for 30 years, but now I feel my wife needs direction but at least sometimes that's not helping. The therapist said something similar to what you're saying Jenny needs to make her own decisions. While relaxation was recommended, she has to do this on her own. (a little schizophrenia does not help my confidence in my wife, she asks is this the same therapist, sounds different, something is going on Jenny says).

So I'm going to work on some more productive ways of working with my wife which may be leaving her alone to figure out things as has been suggested.

I'd like to get some more independence. With the therapist, I will be figuring out ways to do that. Note if I try to leave, she will come running out to the car, dressed or not, saying don't go, and likely frantically text and call. Her self-control is diminished. One day picking up breakfast, the place got a frantic call there was an emergency only to find out she wanted to know when I would be coming home.

Our neurologist suggested a blood test, and her podiatrist gave one which was normal. That somehow upset my wife. That appt was the typical problematic scenario why it's difficult to treat her in a normal adult husband/wife fashion.

She's been vocally complaining about her feet, and pain and burning or discomfort. (Our son got very upset when she said anxiety and depression are the least of her problems) I schedule a podiatrist appt but she's seemingly less than excited. Appt is at 3. As is the pattern, she procrastinates, says she doesn't want to go and only substantial stress do we show up 1/2 hour late. The doctor does see her, but seems to finds little wrong. He recommends a vitamin which my wife shows little interest in taking.

What does schizophrenia have to do with this? It is a mental disorder where the patient loses contact with reality, has auditory and visual hallucinations, etc. So what if she runs outside in her undies? I’m sure it’s embarrassing for you but it won’t kill you. Right there is a prime example of her manipulation. If you don’t lay down the law and stick to your guns you aren’t doing Jenny any good but enabling her behavior. As to the tests, this is something her psychiatrist should have already had done. As I said about myself when my symptoms first came crashing in on me, I was put thru a myriad of both mental testing and eeg, etc. Especially with your wife’s onset of symptoms at a later time in life. Most anxiety and depression symptoms manifest at a much earlier age, usually in the early twenties. If she hasn’t had the usual tests, her psychiatrist is not doing his job. Find another one is my recommendation. When you first started posting, to me it didn’t sound like normal anxiety and depression, especially given the above mentioned information. Several of us on here mentioned other causes like dementia. I guess it’s your call to make. However, people don’t change like that for absolutely no reason. Something is definitely wrong here with the whole situation.

100% of the codependent loved i have played enabler with have created psychotic scenes when i stopped the enabling. similar tales are routinely told at my alanon meetings. my own over-developed sense of responsibility urges me to continue playing my part in the drama. of course i'll change my plans for you, my liege. i don't need a life outside the demands of your illness.

sigh. . .
healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

Hi Bobby,
I won’t bother you with this again but it just reminds me sooo much of the beginning of my grandmothers Lewy Body dementia, are you guys 100% sure that this is not what it is. I mean you were you guys thorough ruling out any kind of an Alzheimer’s, Lewy Body’s disease, certain kinds of Dementias or any kind of mix with Parkinson's? I only say this because some of the things you say really remind me of ... well what I mentioned above & If that IS what’s going on essentially the equivalent of the approach being used rite now would be equivalent to screaming at a Cancer patient to just “Make the cancer go away now! Just do it mentally!” without medically treating the cancer. Sorry if I sound blunt I won’t bring it up again ... I just ... I don’t know.

Sending support, hope & many prayers <3

Dementia We're consulting with a top neurologist in New York and not eliminating dementia or other neurological cause. The dramatic personality changes could indicate something like that. But again her memory seems fine and she easily remembers long and short-term events. Both my parents (of blessed memory) had dementia and their memory problems played a predominant role; here, my wife seemingly knows what she should do or where she is but cannot get it done.

That said, if she had dementia what would you recommend in interacting with her. I understand the cancer analogy, and consider a stroke victim with serious weakness in his right arm. That continues and stays. But imagine someone who could drive a golf bar 250 yards but when you say, can you drive this ball, says I can't do it. She can conduct herself well and handle social situations well, but sometimes will not do it.

I do listen to the people here and my therapist We had a holiday party and she seemed to look forward to meeting new people . She had a funny look and I saw things did not look good, but here I was calm, asked her to get ready periodically but didn't raise my voice or get angry. In the end, we didn't go and I didn't make a big deal about it.

I posted here, because her reason was that she looked terrible and could not find the right clothes. She said she was preparing to go, wanted to go, but couldn't seem to get herself there.

A little typo above, she said she looked terrible, I thought she looked fine.

Are you ready to give up living too? Because at some point you will become resigned to live in her self imposed world. How will that work?

What you write about new Jenny points to responses and decisions being made for her that are not working. Nothing you do is going to change how she is. That’s the trap you are in. There is hope and help for your frustrations if you are willing to consider alternatives to what you are doing now.

So much of what you write about new Jenny sure sounds like a cognitive issue, or some form of dementia. She could even have a mental illness and a form of cognitive or dementia decline. So both. I used to work with older adults and some could give me 5 minutes of friendly conversation, pleasantries but not much more. They fooled anyone who went into their room and kept it short. I noticed their spouses or adult children would often talk for them so it covered up true issues.

The stalling around, the inability to complete activities of daily living to be ready to go, constantly calling the kids or you if you are gone on an errand ring alarm bells to me. My MIL refused to brush her teeth or take a shower or bath for about 10 years before she finally got diagnosed. A woman with advanced education! Turned out she had major brain damage issues and long standing depression. But she had years of ingrained social conversation skills and for 5 minutes she could perform and seem normal. Well, how are you and tell me what you’ve been doing lately. - and you’d think she was just fine. She could get up and give a AA birthday speech once a year because this was her ingrained happy time. Her memory was both vague and pretty clear at times. Yet she refused to bathe or brush her teeth and her husband fought her tooth and nail over this but she never changed for him. It was a symptom of her dementia. And she’d have spells of anger and irrational psychotic like episodes in the middle of the night as it went on.

If you take Jenny to a doctor or therapist and don’t speak for her, don’t tell the doctor or therapist what is wrong but sit silently, what would happen? Can she explain and ask questions for herself, take notes pen to paper, repeat back the information? Your involvement may be covering up her true issues even though you mean well, love her, and want her to be normal.

And Jenny’s feet sounds so much like diabetic neuropathy but maybe the podiatrist checked this. It could be part of her brain issues, my MIL complained about various pain constantly.

You want information on how to deal with your own feelings and possibly improve your ability to cope? Start with the Alzheimer’s Association website and read stuff about being a caregiver. Maybe the AARP website on being a caregiver. Whether or not your wife has a cognitive issue, you need help as her caregiver. What about paying someone to come in and aid her two or three days a week so you get a break. My MIL loved her caregivers because they helped her “function” in this world and didn’t shame her. Their job was to dress her and feed her and take her potty or to eat. You can’t do this at your level of current frustration because you are pushing against her mental or cognitive decline and in ability to be normal. It’s natural for you to be frustrated but it’s not helpful. You suffer more by pushing her to be normal. Work with her situation not against it.

Whatever is wrong with your wife, you have to accept her limitations and stop wanting her to change. The marriage is changed, and it’s not going back to whatever it once was. Because people change. You are entitled to your grief and loss about this. It is a loss. Recognize your loss and address your own stuff. Get support and help in the home, for her, & for you to have your limited independence. You have to start finding ways to cope better. She needs someone with her it sounds like, maybe being alone is now frightening to her. It’s natural you want a normal life with a normal marriage. I don’t think it’s good for you to keep fighting her reality. Your frustration level is too high which is not in your best interest health wise. It’s not an easy place you guys are in. I hope you find some answers. It’s obvious you are committed and love Jenny.

I found this on my phones news feed about dementia disorders that might be of interest: https://apple.news/Av557FXfMT5GQP96KO80iHQ

I appreciate everyone's help as I try to figure out what's wrong and what I can do to help. I respond not to argue or be unappreciative but just trying to figure things out.

1.. Alzheimer's

One article discussed early signs of Alzheimer,

"Jude was experiencing bouts of memory loss, would ask the same question multiple times, and forget significant conversations about plans. She also struggled with her speech and word-finding." But my wife doesn't do any of this and her memory and word gathering ability are better than mind. She does have dramatic behavioral changes, serious dimunition in self-discipline, inability to carry out plans, but that don't seem typical of dementia. Is there another neurological disease possible. Or is this severe depression and anxiety with OCD tendencies as had been diagnosed. Note, dementia typically gets worse and she's not really getting worse, just not getting better.

2. Agarophobia My wife's friend's husband passed, and she wanted to go to the viewing. We drove close to 2 hours. At first she agreed to go but then said she'd go on a ride. We get there and she won't go in. Asked why, she said I look horrible, I can't go in looking like this. We leave, talk to a mutual friend who says honey you look beautiful.

My wife seems to understand and says she'll go to the funeral but the next day, she stays at home. Anything I could have said to get her to go in. What do you do?

3. Lack of implementation My son is a corporate executive and has been supportive but frustrated. She may call him 3-5 times a day. He gave her some things to do, including acknowledging she suffers from severe depression and anxiety, but agreeing to that basic thing seems difficult as she shifts to physical issues.

He says this is one-sided, I'm spending the time to try to help but you're not taking any steps to get well. We've talked about doing meditation, yoga, exercise, getting outside but none of that is done. She is talking to friends much more which is good.

4. Diabetic Neuropathy We went to a podiatrist but he said to come out in a month. About 2 years ago, she would walk 2- 21/2 miles with a friend who runs marathons. In the podiatrist's office, you see people who are heavy, some on walkers, and likely sedentary in comparison to my wife who until recently was walking 5-6 miles a week.

Her health could deteriorate but not that bad or that quickly. A close friend of hers is a psychiatrist, we saw her during the summer, they walked say 2 miles and the friend said the foot complaints were psychological in nature.