I don't know bob, but we're here to try to change our "stinking thinking" as they say in some 12 step groups. Anyway, that's my plan for this year.

II acted sort of that way. Then realized I had absolutely no concept of what a healthy relationship really was. I have evolved to a guy who is happier than I ever thought possible, but do not have nor expect I will have one of those "happily ever after" type relationships.

First of all I learned that tomorrow, the only person who was going to care about me, might just be me, so I decided I had better start acting in ways that I liked and be able to accept, then like, and even love me as I was. Today I consider myself to be my own best friend. A romantic relationship does come along once in a while, and then for a variety of reasons it ends.Sometimes I have more than one romantic relationship at a time and everyone involved knows It is great not having to lie or sneak around. I love them when I have them. But am also very happy with what I have after it ends. ..

I guess in summary, I have become happy with what I have rather than being angry because I don't have what I think I might want.

Thankyou both for your replies

I still want what I can't have. Not sure why.

sometimes we ACOAs tend to gravitate towards the familiar, as in people, situations etc. that are similar to our dysfunctional family of origin. Does'nt make a lot of sense but the familiar seems comforting to us. Been there myself, more times than I can count. Sorry you had to go through all of that.

We are like that bc that's what we lived. Come close but stay away. Love me but go away. It's like this on the outside but shhhhh don't tell anyone what's on the inside. We lived mixed messages so that's what we are good at giving others mixed messages. And all the while not even knowing it's ok to make a decision even if it's the wrong one.

Relationships have always been a struggle for me as well. The people I have given the most to were the most abusive. I am on my third marriage now and struggling. I don't feel content with myself and especially not with whom I am with. I want a chance to be in a "normal" relationship. My husband is a good husband but I feel too messed up to be a good wife. I find myself not wanting to be married at all. I tend to isolate and want to avoid any relationships. Does anyone else struggle with this?

in answer to Kristy. Yes, I isolate and avoid relationships too. For me, it's "safer" that way. And yes, relationships have always been a struggle for me as well so you are not alone hon. I never felt connected to anyone and made a whole lot of bad choices! I'm not in any way suggesting that you have made a bad choice tho ok? In each of my relationships, I felt empty, always "having one foot out the door". I spent a lot of time blaming them for our problems because I failed to see that my issues/dysfunction contributed to problems in any way. I was the "leaver" in 99.9% of my relationships because I was so afraid of rejection/abandonment that I left them before they could leave me! My self-esteem was 0. I'm older now (58) and have sense learned that it's true, "you can't truely love others if you don't first love yourself". Something to think about anyway...I understand how you feel ((((Kristy))))

Being new to 12 step groups I'm just realizing my part in a relationship. My self-esteem was also 0 for most of my life. I was such a people pleaser to the point of holding resentments to almost everyone in my life. I'm hoping that once I get healthier I'll attract other heatlhy people.

lucylui, I feel exactly like you, I want to get healthier and attract healthy people into my life. I am a people pleaser as well and have felt resentment many times. Now I've pretty much stopped people pleasing, well most people anyway and am doing the opposite, not doing anything for people. There must be a happy medium somewhere huh? I want to help others, just don't want to over-do anymore. I've also realized that I people pleased because I wanted to be accepted/liked/loved...sigh

One foot out the door is an old familiar feeling from being a kid. I always was ready to run when my father exploded! I have always made sure there was a back door. Old baggage.
So....has anyone discovered that people could want you even if you don't please them? What a scary thought huh?

By the way Bob, why do you think you feel you can't have something? You say we want what we can't have. Let's turn it on its head and ask...why CAN'T we have it? Maybe we can want what we CAN have!! :)
What is it we want and CAN have? HHmmmmm just a thought.......

Wow rosiekins, that's a loaded question lol! I've spent my whole life trying to please people esp. those in my foo who could not be pleased! On trying to make some new friends, I set about people-pleasing only to end up feeling unappreciated and resentful. So now, I've kind of went from people-pleasing to not doing anything at all!

I need to find that middle ground but it sure is hard.

I thought I could find happiness in pleasing others but after many years of trying, I found it didn't work that way.

I found that pleasing myself through my own accomplishments was the key to my own happiness.

Thanks bob for sharing your wisdom. I know that you are right in that I need to take care of my own needs and please myself through my own accomplishments.

I've been trying to do that but I'm not real good at it just yet darn it. I'm sort of in the "oh I get it now" stage of recovery ha.

take care you...

Discounted, it's not easy especially at first because it involves us taking risks which we are not accustomed to. We tend to gravitate toward the safe and familiar. The thought that we might fail will make us shy away from taking that risk but I found that if we start small and work our way up gradually, it gets easier and easier over time.
# 11 thats a good point!