Adult Children of Alcoholics Community Group
A Support Group for Adult Children of Alcoholics
Last night I did it. I officially gave my dad the boot. 27 years old and my own father had given me enough greif that I was about to hit MY rock bottom... I don't want to hit a bottom... I want to start moving up!
We were able to keep him sober for about 1 month and 1 week with regular AA classes and just talking. Toward the end (the longer he was sober) the more "entitled" he would act. He began (still sober mind you) to make me feel bad for making him be the only one that "needs to quit everythnig" as I told him I wanted to help him quit his chew tobacco as I cant afford someone else nicotine addiction (especial since I quit my own cigarette addition) granted I am pregnant, but still...), he would make comments about how he want getting enough food to satisfy him and that he often had the munchies for Cola and candy bars since he was going through nicotine withdraws... as if it were my issue.
Reminder: I pay for ALL his food, clothes, rent and more. He doesn't work and HARDLY does any chores to compinsate me for working ten hour days to pay all the utilites, rent, food, etc...
I was willing to put up with his idiocracy about how im not doing enough for him and his sobriety; however, when I came home yesterday and seen him passed out sitting up, drooling all over himself... I broke. I have put so much effort into his sobriety and lived with the anxiety that everyday I came home home "what if he is drunk" rang through my head... the day has finally come.
I had given him reminders, encouragement and "tough love" about what would happen if he stayed sober vs decided alcohol was more important than the ONLY family he has left! His parents, siblings, other children- everyone had written him off as dead. I was the only naive one left for him so really leach from.
My marraige wasn't being torn apart, but has been being affected by him and it's time for me to ask how am I doing? How can I help ME make this work?
So i told him to jsut go... pack up and leave! He did. No where to go. (Now, he keeps coming back for little things he "forgot" and being at work I am not there to handle it.)
SO now I am left with guilt, sadness, worry, the feeling of change (which i HATE) and overall worn out. When will the call come that they found him badly injured? When will I see a post in the local newpaper asking for help IDing a body they found in the bushes? How long will he suffer of hunger and thurst before he either get help or dies?
I'm lost and desperate for encouragement... I myself might relapse back into my enabling ways!
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So mad at Xfinity! They're trying to charge me $115 per month for the same service I had been paying $50 the last four years. I took the equipment to UPS for shipping and cancelled my subscription today! Next door was a cookie shop called Crumbl. I had heard of it before but never went in until today. I don't need one more sugar fix, but maybe it will help with my sad) grieving heart....$15...
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
First came outpatient treatment followed by counseling and then there were AA meetings throughout all of it. That was over 10 years ago and today I have a great life, and I have never been happier! Although we are divorced now, my former wife and I remain very good friends who stay in touch daily.
I have a book that I think will help you deal with your feelings of guilt and if you trust me with your address, I will send you one for free but if not, then I totally understand. You can also get it used on amazon for a few dollars. It's called "Acceptance" by Vincent P Collins. It's only 24 pages long but every line is laid in like a brick. I picked up a copy at an AA meeting and it really helped me deal with some stuff I was going through at the time so I began buying them direct from the publisher and giving them away to everyone who I think would be helped by it's message.
There are many acoa's that have gone through what you are going through and it might help you to hook up with them. You can learn the things that worked for them.
Keep us posted. In the meantime we will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.
God Bless
I did attempt to look it up on Amazon and t says the Author is Vincent P Collins. Is that the correct one?
I am so glad that your low helped you rise up and fight for yourself! That makes me happy. Everyone i know who has beat addiction is always on top in my book! Unfortunately, I truly believe my father needs his alcohol more than he needs/loves me, so he probably wont be as successful as you.
Thank you! And your continued happiness and health are in my thoughts and prayers! :)
I have seen some hard core alcoholics turn their lives around quickly. All it takes is changing the mind. When you change your mind, you can move mountains. If you attend an AA meeting, you will see proof of such a feat from the members who share their stories.
Having hope is like a prayer to God so please never lose hope for your dad! I know it seems bad now but the steps you are taking now will have a positive affect in the future, even though it doesn't seem that way at the moment.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless
That's nice to hear. I will try to remain hopeful! I am trying not to be overwhelmed with guilt!
Thank you so much for your replies! They really help me remember why I kicked him out. I feel like a monster leaving him in the cold. :(
Thoughts and prayers and hugs!
My mother is in Alaska and homeless. She’s destroyed her body and it is a miracle she’s still a alive. Sometimes I wonder if she’s an alien because it’s unreal the damage she’s done and still walking around. Well now probably with a walker. I go back and forth from having tremendous guilt and helping her to disconnecting myself after I’ve gotten so fed up with the broken promises of getting sober.
My mother is also bipolar and though not all alcoholics are I did read that a large majority of those with bipolar disorder are alcoholics. And I find myself spending a lot of time explaining and arguing logic to my mother. Just to afterwards questioning myself to why I wasted to much time and energy explaining logic to someone who can’t comprehend logic.
But there is also a lot of manipulation. Which it seems like your dad was doing to you. You do have to think of yourself and your kids. I would at times spend tons of money helping my mom but I’d never agree to move her in with me. I just remember so vividly the strong and deep hurt I’d feel as a kid. The times I would cry so hard I couldn’t breath. And knowing how sensitive my own children are I can’t possibly let them experience that for even a second. I have to shelter them from that. But you also have to shelter yourself. Your emotional well-being is so important for you as a mother. It sounds as if maybe this is your first baby you’re pregnant with and I think your strength will get so much better once your baby is born. You’ll go full mama bear.
Your children deserve the very best of you though. Not an emotionally drained mom whose only half there.
Stay strong girl .youre stronger than you think. It definitely seems like you have good work ethic all while being pregnant and dealing with stress as well as being financially responsible. So you’re a strong person. Just keep telling yourself that.
Good for you!!! Idk what I was thinking asking him to move in with me for a second time those years ago... but I am a weak heart when it comes to my father, always have been. But I have grown tired, sick, and annoyed but the way I am used and treated by him. The way he treats my husband as well. So I am actually feeling better the longer he is gone because I am less stressed!!
This is actually my second pregnancy, My daughter is going to be 8 next month and she most definitely doesn't need to be seeing his nastiness. When he first moved in he stayed sober for a while (probably to next his new opportunity of sucking the life out of the new place he gained!). My daughter is pretty confused and asked why poppy had to leave, where will he live, and that she loves her poppy. We explain the best we can... and I tell her I love him too, but the way he was behaving was unacceptable and that he is a 57 year old man... shouldn't he be taking care of himself? Is is fair I take on his burdens? She eventually gets bored of out chats and moves on to way more fun stuff hahah!!!
I think our family will be stronger now that he is out! But most definitely the #1 advice I'd give to anyone in our shoes, is do NOT take them in! It's too much for anyone!
Thanks for your comment! I hope everything gets a little easier for you and your mother as welL!