Hello, my name is Anna and I am the daughter of an alcoholic and we think at some point she did drugs as well. She (rest in peace) did not want to live until she got cancer and was dying and it was too late. 

I have found three support groups but they're half an hour away from me and having to share my car with my boyfriend I can't seem to find anything on the phone or close by.

I'm frustrated because I thought I worked all this stuff out in the late 90s. My mom has been dead since 1991. I apparently still have issues even though I've been to counseling! I guess I should start from the beginning

My mother and father both had alcoholic dad's abandon them and their mothers in a time when single motherhood was frowned on even when it wasn't their fault.

Apparently my mother had a very Rocky childhood and was a bit of a thug because of it and had tried to kill herself at 16. I found out this when she tried to kill herself again when I was 15 and called me in to watch her do it.

Her abuse physical and mental of me started when I was just 3 years old and she apologized one last time at 3 years old. At 5 years old my cousin was molesting me and I told her and she called me a liar and jumped on top of me and screamed, "Is this how he's doing it?!? So he was able to continue doing it until I was twelve and he moved away with the carnival. At a later time I found out he was prosecuted and jailed and listed as a sex offender for doing it to his girlfriends daughter. At the time I was in counseling and he had already been prosecuted for his gf daughter so I didn't do anything about it but continue counseling.

My mom was diagnosed bipolar and manic depressive and her own best friend told me not to help her when she drank, because she was not paralyzed she can walk and make her do it on her own but I was just a kid.

my mother was told that she had to go into inpatient rehab when she tried to kill herself as she got arrested also for drunk driving. After she got out she told me she was going to start drinking and do it all over again. By this time I was almost eighteen and told her I was not going to help that I was never going through that again. Still the fear shock value was there for me!

I was told at 8 years old I had to be the adult because Mommy couldn't. I believe that a lot of her problems were hidden from me alcoholic wise until it got really out of control and she was jailed and tried to kill herself in front of me.

I have always been feisty and I left home at seventeen and she told me sure you can leave just never come back!. I wrote a poem to her after she died and I left it by her grave to get closure. I thought I had gotten closure, but I think the things that have happened in the past six or seven years have triggered things in me 

She always said that she would haunt me even after she died. I've been finding out things and family relationships that she ruined for me up until this day so in a way she is still haunting me. Her alcoholism and mental condition and hatred of herself left a trail of ghosts for me to deal with!

My cousin that molested me popped up on Facebook trying to friend me. I found out that my dad was never told like my mother said she did. I found out that she lied about just about everything!

On her deathbed she did Apologize but I feel robbed because I didn't get time with the good her! I got the abusive alcoholic who beat me, f***** with my head so I spent years in counseling and support groups to build my self-esteem to only constantly have it knocked down every time I find out something she did or lied about!  It's affected my relationships either I've chosen wrong and been abused or I run and I sabotage things.

I got diagnosed with PTSD and OCD everything feels like a bomb is going off in front of you.

In 2016 December my drug addict neighbor burned down the duplex and two of my pets died and my current boyfriend doesn't understand which I think he does and he just doesn't want to admit it because I don't think he can deal with it. Instead of helping me that night he yelled at me. He swears he never told me to just move forward and let It go but he did and he shot me down every time I tried to talk about it because one time he told me that it hurts him when I hurt so he couldn't handle hearing it. I know he can read me like a book but the truth is especially lately sometimes I don't even know why I feel the way I feel.

and he and I took two years to move in together and we broke up a lot some of it was me and some of it was him. And we are still having trouble because an example if I complain about things it's not a big deal why you always complaining you're creating drama. But if he complains he says it's valid. He said that I tend to create drama where there is none and that I like to live in that but that's not true I don't like to live in that. I want him to listen to understand just to air things out not to be fixed and not be judged

One of the problems he told me I have is that I'm indecisive I want to do this and I want to do that and he said I never follow through on some of it but that's not true I do I just want to do so many things and experience so many things and it takes time. I should be able to dream and have my dreams.

Anyway that's another issue for another day but the fire and then the car crash that almost killed me because of ice and the loss of pets and the devastation of this town I live in. They are the first people there when you need them but there so many issues with crack and heroin and house fires from improper use of outside heaters inside and my heart just watches left and right something happen to them and I can't handle that much devastation. but I moved back here because he and I got back together and he promised if we started arguing again that we would get counseling and now like I said that's a different issue but it all and my other issue I was trying to build a career and I was working really hard for this company and then they gave me a part-time yearly position and would switch me back and forth departments and this year they told me oh you didn't renew your position I'm like I shouldn't have to renew my position it was permanent.I did renew my position I asked at the end of the summer season if I would be going back anyways so here I am at my age running around with one car shared between both of us trying to find another career and working delivery at the same time. I feel like I'm whining but it all just caught up to me one day a couple of weeks ago grabbing 4 pack a wine coolers and drinking three of them because I was so angry and I felt so much hatred and I had tried other ways to feel better and couldn't let go. I'm not an alcoholic I only drink once a year if that but I just couldn't take it anymore

Finally one day he got talking about what he has been through and why he is working on finishing his addictions counselor degree and I just opened up to him and told him everything about my life and he actually listened and Al-Anon was suggested but here's the thing he said he had a contact and he never followed through and we ended up arguing about that because he's helping someone else who has issues and he followed through for her. He tells me it's because I don't really want it I don't really want to get better and I won't do the work and he's not willing to help me because of that. Then I think probably he's too close to the situation anyway but I'm also a counselor a Pastoral counselor and I asked to be involved in what he's doing helping these people and he told me I can't be involved and that hurts because I feel like I'm a girl I could really help this girl where he can't.and yes I understand that it's a very private thing but it's a friend that got fired from his work and he could have introduced us hey this is my girlfriend hey this is this other girl and then let nature take its course. I'm not going to just walk up to a girl and say you got a problem and I want to help you I mean it's not what I was talking about, lol

so finally I go to the Al-Anon website myself and I take the adults of children's quiz.  I'm expecting to be one to five things right and I'm every single thing on that list so I am really messed up. So I tell him this and I asked him to have my back I said because literally when I snapped about the house fire he broke up with me he was not there with me and at the time I contributed the reason to him being overly stressed taking care of his brother but turns out he really cannot handle stress at all. it's sad that I had to do this but I said when you were in your darkest hour I did not abandon you I was there for you.  Life has stress in it. And then the car accident he broke up with me then and I told him I said you left me at the worst times he's like well that's not why I left you at those times I'm like well you should have thought about that I almost died you left me; I lost my pets in a house fire and everything I am and you left me. Yet someone you barely know is hysterical like I was and you help her and you stand by her and go to meetings with her. I said why and again he said he felt like he couldn't get through to me. But I don't think he even tried and I think in his moment of Truth one time when he said he feels when I feel that maybe he can't deal with that. But I'm a girl and a human and I let my emotions out like if I need to cry I try to do that because that's the way we purge emotions. If I'm angry I try to appropriately let that out but I feel like people are afraid of their emotions. people have actually told me that they think they're a bad person or there's something wrong with them because of their emotions. Even depression is an emotion and we are gifted these emotions as alerts and a way to purge them so as long as we are not hurting ourselves or others it's allowed!

I am sorry I have rambled but this is all been in my mind and it eats at me and I'm trying to let it out. I don't have counseling insurance anymore so I can't go to a counselor and I live in Pennsylvania so it's really hard to find  counselors that are Affordable.

Does anyone out there listen with their heart rather than trying to listen to respond?

Hugs,

Anna