I am feeling super drained as I already wrote a novel in a new journal app in hopes to get some things off my chest. But what I am missing is the ability to vent to someone who understands. 

My mother was beautiful. She was college educated and an absolute great actress. And when I say that I mean we had tons of her old trophies and awards from various plays she was in. She could of been a great movie star even. She became an alcoholic but I don’t think she quite new it right before attending bible school. She then went on to marry and have 5 children with my father. 

Rarely did anyone who was not super close to us know what was really happening in the family. Though we didn’t have a lot of money my mom did find a way to make us look like the perfect family. My moms bipolar would also keep her in manic stages in stores shopping and returning numerous days out of the week for hours and hours which we would wait on her. Even sleep in the stores or our vehicle. So we were dressed nicely given all the ridiculous shopping and sale hunting she did. 

But our family life was not perfect by any means. We lived in Alaska and we would gather in the car with our father and search the streets for my mother when she was on a binge. She’s usually be sleeping drunk in her car. My brothers and I got used to her being one moment the nicest, most loving and caring Christian woman ever to a violent screaming and cussing person. We got used to seeing and cleaning up vomit, urine, and  feces. Horrible fights between parents etc.

After many years of helping my mother off and on I finally gave up after she got kicked out of a rehab (mug of been the 60th rehab or more she’s been to) for drinking the moment she got a little freedom. I told my husband no more. My children deserved a mother who’s emotional stability was healthy. They didn’t deserve what my mother was doing to be and that I realized I didn’t have to be emotionally strong enough. So I put her out of my head. The fact that she is homeless, in pain and walking with a walker due to all the extensive damage she’s done to her body was put and locked away in a part of my brain I didn’t want to access. I stayed busy. 

Then my aunt recently put out a missing persons report because she hadn’t heard from her in several months. That missing persons report must have gone out in a way that many people who new me had seen because it was sent to me several times. The moment I saw her picture after not physically seeing her in many years broke my heart. This once beautiful woman had changed so drastically. 62 but looks 80. Face swollen. Her hair that had to always be dyed was thin and grey. Her eyes looked tearful and sad. I was surprised at how much she looked like my grandmother. 

I decided that I am going to give it one last try to save my mother’s life. Winter is coming in Alaska and I am terrified that she will slip and fall into a snow bank and not be found for months. I am taking this to the courts. I need to see if they will issue a guardian and conservator over her. 

I know that where there’s a will there will be a way. She will find a way to drink if she wants bur at least she won’t blow all her money on alcohol. Maybe I can get her into an assisted living home where she won’t get kicked out for drinking. Or maybe even committed. Because honestly that would be way better than being homeless. At least she’s be warm. 

I need the strength to go through with this. Sometimes my heart feels like it’s goinf to just explode right out of my chest.