I'm learning and I think this group is wonderful and everybody in it has helped me so much. Like I said my mom passed away in 1991 but she still haunts me with her issues and finding out the truth.

I found out that the closest Al-Anon group is about 30 minutes away from me, but someone told me that it's important to have a real life sponsor because we the family and friends of alcoholics have a process to go through that only another person who has been there can help us heal.

I know that it's important to have people you can call on in your time of stresses who can help keep or get you back on track. I know that reaching out even when you don't want to is critical.

I have to say though I went to a counselor off and throughout my life and at one point I thought I had let go and healed, but apparently there are things that pop back up or just show up in the right situations, so you have to use what you learned and keep on moving forward. It's a process.

My point with all this is I'm going to try the 12 steps because I think they're important and I know they're based on God but I think you can do it even if you don't believe because the basic principles are good. I'm giving this a try even though I feel like you learn to cope, but wonder if you can really heal?

I have this person close to me telling me that they have overcome what happened to them with the 12 steps, but I sit on the outside of this and I watch how they try to create a little box and fit everyone into it. I watch how they don't listen and automatically assume literally coming out of their mouth the story they believe rather than hearing the other person. I watch how they react in anger and how life can be stressful but they're not having any of it. It's like there is still stuff boiling inside of them and they don't have any room for everyday stresses.This person used to run or threatened to run. Anyway so I'm not convinced and I think the person who has the answers for everyone else is the one who should look deep within themselves.

I think that it's important also to know that when you're on the journey like this there will be predators. They recently had one at a friend's meeting who was taking advantage of women who were low self-esteem, so please be careful no one should be coming to your house or taking you out on dates or friendly meals. The policies and procedures of these meetings are meant to protect you from predators, build your self-esteem and help you heal. They give you the tools that you need and your own sponsor which is usually of the same sex so that there is no chemistry or issues. You're not supposed to date or be in a relationship or an outside friendship from these groups from what I understand because you're supposed to be working on yourself and anything emotional like a friendship or relationship with the group members makes everything complicated. Also they're supposed to be no leader. There's a founder and a coordinator of sorts for the group but no one is truly in charge. That's how I was told.

I'm going to post 12 steps here and in a separate post. And yes it's basically the same steps the alcoholics anonymous have. I have some questions too like why am I supposed to make amends with people especially  if I didn't hurt them they hurt me?? Please note we are not talking about people who are abusive to you so do not go trying to make amends with those types that will be more of a spiritual forgiveness I believe. I think step 1 is more about owning the situation, taking control and forgiveness not for them but for yourself so you're able to close that chapter and let It go, but if you wrong someone who did not abuse you then you should definitely make amends in person if they will allow it.. Honestly I guess I'm not near that step because I am not ready to try to make up for something someone did wrong to me? The only example I can give is when I argued with my brother the only thing I did wrong was I realized that I was looking at him as if he was superhuman and admitted that to him and apologize for that. But he's the one who started argument and he owes me an apology. And to me if you apologize to someone and then you do it again then you're not really sorry.

But here are the 12 steps and like I said you don't have to believe in God to do these it's just basic good advice. 

The first step of admitting that you are powerless over alcohol just means that as a person who experienced issues from another person's drinking it wasn't your fault and there was nothing that you could have done to prevent them from drinking and what they did as a result.

12 Steps

https://al-anon.org/for-members/the-legacies/the-twelve-steps/