Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
I just made another post on here about the boy we took custody of. If you read the other post you will see how and why we took him in. Hopefully we will be able to come up with the money to adopt soon. Anyway, I need to give some backstory before getting to the problem.
Seventeen years ago, I met and married my wife. Before we were even married, she had two sons ages 9 an12, One weekend their father came to pick them up and they told him they didn't want to go, because he wasn't their dad any more I was. I felt the same way about them. I did not feel like they were my sons, they just were mine biologically. I don't really know how to say it to accurately describe how much they were my kids. I tried to adopt, but their father would not let me. He did not want anything to do with them, he did not want them. One weekend he called to say he would not be picking them up because he had more important things to do. But he would not let me have them, it broke my heart, and the boys too. Anyway I'm getting off subject here.
Eleven years ago my health turned very bad. I have 5 different health problems, because of this I am now disabled. I spend half my life confined to my recliner, because it either hurts too bad to move, or I don't have the energy to move. Because of this I have slipped in a depression. I fight the depression with everything I have, but sometimes it isn't enough. I also get extremely easy to get mad, and I will snap at anyone for any reason. I promise I try not to but some days I can't stop myself. There are days that I hurt so bad I throw up from the pain, my pain meds will only do so much.
Now to the problem, we got the phone call on 'Friday afternoon telling us what was going on with the little one. My wife and I talked about it and discussed it, and argued about it, Friday night, and all day Saturday. I told her that we could not take him. Between our bad finances, and my health there was just no way we could do it. We could find someone else to take him, or turn him over to child welfare, but we could not take him. We had enough problems dealing with my health, some days it takes two or three people to get me from one place to another. But, she was adamant about it, and since I can not say no to her on anything, We got up Sunday morning and drove to Chicago, and got him and came home on Monday.
Now we have had him almost four years, and I love him, I really do. But I can not think of him the way I think of the other two. I can not think of him as mine. I try to, I want to, I just can't. I don't know if it's because I didn't want to get him to start with, or if it's because of my health I'm just not able to love him like I should, with all the problems he causes,, and all the yelling and screaming he does. He gets on my nerves so bad, especially when I'm in pain. I hate this, I want him to be my son, and when we get the money for the adoption he will be, but I just can't. His birth mother called a couple of years ago, and said that she had just got married, and her and her husband were on their way to get him. I told her "Hell no your not, you will get him over my dead body". I meant every word I said, he's not going anywhere. I refuse to allow anyone to take him away from us. Yet I still can not love him the way I should.
Any advice, or help, or criticism will be gladly accepted.
Seventeen years ago, I met and married my wife. Before we were even married, she had two sons ages 9 an12, One weekend their father came to pick them up and they told him they didn't want to go, because he wasn't their dad any more I was. I felt the same way about them. I did not feel like they were my sons, they just were mine biologically. I don't really know how to say it to accurately describe how much they were my kids. I tried to adopt, but their father would not let me. He did not want anything to do with them, he did not want them. One weekend he called to say he would not be picking them up because he had more important things to do. But he would not let me have them, it broke my heart, and the boys too. Anyway I'm getting off subject here.
Eleven years ago my health turned very bad. I have 5 different health problems, because of this I am now disabled. I spend half my life confined to my recliner, because it either hurts too bad to move, or I don't have the energy to move. Because of this I have slipped in a depression. I fight the depression with everything I have, but sometimes it isn't enough. I also get extremely easy to get mad, and I will snap at anyone for any reason. I promise I try not to but some days I can't stop myself. There are days that I hurt so bad I throw up from the pain, my pain meds will only do so much.
Now to the problem, we got the phone call on 'Friday afternoon telling us what was going on with the little one. My wife and I talked about it and discussed it, and argued about it, Friday night, and all day Saturday. I told her that we could not take him. Between our bad finances, and my health there was just no way we could do it. We could find someone else to take him, or turn him over to child welfare, but we could not take him. We had enough problems dealing with my health, some days it takes two or three people to get me from one place to another. But, she was adamant about it, and since I can not say no to her on anything, We got up Sunday morning and drove to Chicago, and got him and came home on Monday.
Now we have had him almost four years, and I love him, I really do. But I can not think of him the way I think of the other two. I can not think of him as mine. I try to, I want to, I just can't. I don't know if it's because I didn't want to get him to start with, or if it's because of my health I'm just not able to love him like I should, with all the problems he causes,, and all the yelling and screaming he does. He gets on my nerves so bad, especially when I'm in pain. I hate this, I want him to be my son, and when we get the money for the adoption he will be, but I just can't. His birth mother called a couple of years ago, and said that she had just got married, and her and her husband were on their way to get him. I told her "Hell no your not, you will get him over my dead body". I meant every word I said, he's not going anywhere. I refuse to allow anyone to take him away from us. Yet I still can not love him the way I should.
Any advice, or help, or criticism will be gladly accepted.
Sleepless, I can understand your concern, I was always worried that my step-sons would choose their father over me. There were short periods of time they would. It would only last a couple months at a time, but they kept going back, even though they knew that he was just going to hurt them again. I was just so jealous, I loved them so much, but he was their bio, how could I compete with that. They are now 30 and 27, and if their Mom and I divorced today, they would stay with me, instead of her, that is just how close we are, and always have been, I was just to jealous to see it. Try stepping back, outside the house, and look at your situation from someone else's eyes, someone that has no connection to the family, see what they would see. Then try to put yourself in the boys shoes, how would you see yourself, and how would you see your bio's, from that viewpoint who would you choose? It's hard to actually see things the way the boys do, unless you just ask them, and even then you may not get the kind of answer you are looking for. They may not understand what you are after, or they may be afraid to tell you, but do your best to get in their minds, and consider how things are for them, It will probably ease some of your worry, although it didn't mine, I was just too jealous of their father. They told him one day standing right in front of me, that he wasn't their Dad, I was. Yet he still had a connection with them I could never have, and no matter what it could not be broken. I tried adopting them, but he refused to let me. He did not want them, but he wasn't going to let me have them either. Good luck to you, hopefully you will find the peace that they will not leave you.