Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
I'm not new to this site, However new to this group. I put a child up for adoption 12 years ago. I've only recived pictures when the child was 1 and 4. A lot of time went by and I asked to have pictures sent to me. I've always gone through the adoption agency to respect the privacy of the child and adoptive parents. So 2 years of asking for pictures I finally recived 8 photos of the last 8 years of her life, and a letter from her birthmother stating that the child has inquired about me, and she implied for me to keep my distance from her. Never in the 12 years have I once intrefered and our agreement was to have pictures sent to me twice a year. each time I've recived pictures, it was becuse I asked for them and have never asked for more than that. Should I never ask for another picture? Now that I do see her all grown up and now know she knows of me I can't help but to have hope of meeting her again one day. So I'm so confused. should I just leave them be until she's 18????
***Sarah, you may not want to get your hopes up too much....Even with knowing everything about my adoption and it was not pretty, i was still excited when i finally met my bio-mom...needless to say we dont have a relationship today because i cant stand being lied too...i went in with too much expectation...i hope you find your bio-parents and your meetings go well and that you may form a relationship with them Good luck to everyone
I agree with others who have commented that it is normal for a 12-yo adoptee to wonder about her birthmother. I think it is a good sign that this child was able to admit this out loud to her adoptive mother, and that the adoptive mother felt she could mention it to you. To my way of thinking, this suggests that the adoptive mother might be undecided, or possibly would be open to the idea of communicating further with you. Actually she probably has conflicting feelings, since you did say that she hinted that she doesn't want your interference. Yes, you did have to wait two years after requesting that some newer pictures be sent. BUT, she did ultimately put together 8 years worth of pictures, which is no small feat in our busy lives.
My suggestion is that you write the adoptive mother another letter. This time, include a photo of yourself and your children (you did mention your older son, so I assume you have more than one child), as well as your husband if you are married. Tell her a little about yourself and about your family members. What are the kids' personalities, hobbies, what you enjoy doing during holidays or on vacation, if you are members of a church, where your extended families live, hopes and goals, what kind of work you do, just as though you were writing to a "pen pal." You might also tell her the truth as you have admitted it to us, that you "were young and very ignorant" when you got pregnant and gave the 12-yo up for adoption.
But MOST IMPORTANT, if you do write such a letter, state very clearly your intentions. Say that you will leave it up to her discretion if she wants to share the letter (or any information from it) with her daughter. Let her know how grateful you are that the child found a loving family, and how you realize that the adoptive mother has shared her life, financial resources, home, time, and been there 24/7 as the "real" mother and you would never presume to take her place in that regard. You realize that you will always be her mother in one way, because you gave birth to her, but that the child's life is centered in the adoptive family and that will not change.
(In other words, find some way to minimize the threat that any adoptive parent is likely to feel, the worry--whether realistic or not--that the child will like you more or that you will try to take her away from them.) Who knows, it might work, just to be open and honest, and let the adoptive Mom see that you are a good person with a normal life, but that maybe you have a wound to heal, and it could be mutually beneficial to both you AND the child to meet each other. But first, just a friendly "newsy" get-to-know-you letter, without making any special requests.
I wish that all adoptive parents would read the book by Betty Jean Lifton, "Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness." Lifton believes that most adoptees have a 'split' in their sense of identity. The adoptee's psyche is fragmented. On one side there is the "Artificial Self," the child who is not sure she really exists because she was not born from this mother's body and has no genealogical heritage or genetic similarities to other family members, or may be a substitute or a 'replacement' for the natural child who died or who never was (due to infertility), or is under a great deal of pressure to perform and be perfect because she was 'chosen' by them. On the other side there is the "Forbidden Self," the one who has a strong curiosity or even longing for the unknown birth family, although the birthmother might be 'tainted' by the stigma of having appeared to have rejected or abandoned her child, or who cannot be spoken of because it would be a betrayal of loyalties to the adoptive family, and the child knows that the adoptive parents fear that genetic differences will show up and that she will not measure up to their hopes oe expectations.
At some point most adoptees do need to find their birth family, to discover the genealogical, genetic, and personal information that is required for them to "integrate" their fragmented selves and finally discover (though it is not a quick process) who they are as an individual. However, there is considerable debate about whether or not early adolescence or the teen years are such a good time for the adoptee to begin this process.