Duane, I'm so sorry. My wife and I felt the same way about the "life book" we had to create to share with agencies and caseworkers for legal risk foster placements. It feels wierd putting yourself out there to be judged when you can't defend yourself and selling yourself as a good parent. Granted it's free and the wait is far shorter, but you never know why you lose out to another family or what biases those people bring to the table. I do suggest you look into Ontario's child protective services. An amazing number of infants and kids under two are taken from their moms, and end up adopted. My wife and I have adopted two and are about to finalize on a sibling third. We picked up our daughter and her youngest brother at birth, and her older brother joined us at 16 months. Yes it's a roller coaster, but the kids are wonderful and the path was worth it. Sometimes they have infants available for straight adoption with no risk of return, it's worth looking into.

You mentioned the wait as an issue. We received our first placement within 60 days of completion of our training and home study.

i too adopted twins thru our states cps.. and it is a roller coaster ride of emotions and maybes and what if's.. but it's still the way to go.. the blessing is so much more than the stress to get there. i know in my state, u can either foster/adopt license, or just foster or just adopt.
speaking of twins.. one is pulling at me.lol
look into it.. the cps thing

We adopted my son through our state out of the foster care system. he was almost 4 when he came to live with us. Took 2 12 years for adoption to be finalized. We paid $1000 for home study (mind you this was 9 years ago or so) but otherwise it was "free." The state gave us a monthly stipend until the adoption was final and his medical expenses are paid under state medicaid until he is 18. The hard part was the 2 1/2 year wait, court dates, etc, and the praying he would not be given back to bio parents (severe neglect and abuse.) There was a fear of losing him that was often times overwhelming. he was 4 when he came here and had (and still has) developmental and behavioral issues. Sometmes very scary! Foster to adopt is very rewarding, but not an easy way to go by any stretch of the imagination. It takes a strong marriage and some deep soul searching.

Being a parent is an emotional roller coaster ride anyway, but I had 1 failed IVF and was never doing it again. So I hear you there.

I can say this (understanding that hindsight is 20/20): If I had it to do all over again, I would, and would not change anything. I love my son. Was it harder than even I imagined? God, yes! And that was after many books, many parenting classes, and 2 1/2 years of marriage counseling BEFORE adoption and now 9 years of counseling for my son. I still have moments where I doubt myself.

And the social workers and CASA come to your house all the time to check on things (for the 2 1/2 years until the adoption was final.) But thank God, I got to know and trust and love my son's social workers and CASA. Anyway, good luck to you in whatever you decide!

I am so sorry for your experience. We also had to put together lifebook like daveintexas but my husband and I felt it was a really positive experience. It took us hours and hours to get it done but we were really happy once it was completed. We are going through a private agency and while there is aface to face meeting shortly after matching it isn't an interview it is a meeting. The birthmother makes her choice based on the lifebooks she is given. I don't think I woul dhvae been able to handle being grilled by someone like you are describing. I can't believe that your lawyer would allow it. If you have already been home study approved then there is no reason for that intense scutiny. WOW. The waiting is like the infertility roller coaster for sure. We are waiting on our FBI check but other than that we are good to go. I hope and pray your dream comes true. Also, just so you know while it is expensive the private agency we are going through places newborns with adoptive parents in usually less than 12 months. So there isn't always a super long wait. XO :)

Thank you all for your support and for sharing stories. I just felt so alone in this process. Creating the life book was alot of fun, though we only had 3 days to complete it. Today we are filling out our application for CAS...fingers crossed for this year.

what is CAS?

it must be terribly hard for you to go through this time and time again
i hope you are able to become a family soon