Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
I know that kids don't come with instructions. I know that adopted kids have issues. My son was almost 4 when he came to us from the state. He was removed from his parents for abuse and neglect and was in and out of foster care for the first 4 years of his life. Over and over in counseling, I hear that it is all about my/our parenting skills and how we react to David's problems. After over 8 years, I am so frustrated by this. David is #2 child. #1 was abadoned in FL. #3 sister, he knew about as she is only a year younger. #4 (brother) adoptive parents called me several months ago to tell me about #3 & #4 also now being adopted. Was a great shock to us.
I made the decision to tell my son, now 12, about his sister and brother. He has lit a candle in church for sister for 8 years now, every Sunday for God to take care of her. I honestly felt like I had made the right decision. I never wanted to lie to my son. He took it upon himself to write his little brother (5) a letter and send a card. It was pretty short, just saying "hey, you have a brother." I answered all their questions, etc. They contacted ME! Hadn't heard from them. They even said about getting their son and the sister together before. I sent an email almost 4 weeks ago, requesting a time that we get the kids together. My gut tells me that my son would make a terrific big brother. They all have issues. Who wouldn't? Neglect, abuse, even probably sexual abuse, alcohol and drugs with bio parents. Now, his brother's parents don't want contact. They feel it is not in their son's best interest.
I am so hurt. Now I have to break it to my son, which is going to hurt him terrible. Should I have told him about his brother? My husband is upset at me for all of this. Says I am going to really hurt my son. But I feel that it would have been lying to him to NOT tell him, and ultimately that would hurt him more in the long run. I sent her (brother's mom) another email. Asking if ok for my son to occassionally send a card or letter or picture that she could keep for when he is older. I asked her to periodically send me a photo and update. My husband thinks I am wrong for doing this. WHY? How could this be wrong? When her son gets to be 12, does she think she is not going to have to deal with questions?
We have to look for alternative counselling for my son. His grades have dropped since I spoke with him about this. Now I feel horrible. I love my son. She says she wants what is best for her son. I want what is best for my son. But I guess what is best for both is not the same. I am so sad and so frustrated. I just want my son to have hope and to be happy. This is going to set him back and it is all my fault. Even my husband does not agree with me on this.
But if this was what he wanted, and as his mother, I felt that this is what was best for him, how could I NOT fight for it? For him? But it has all backfired on me now. I will have to be the one to tell him later. The last thing I want to do is hurt him more. Oh, God, I really thought it would help him to be a big brother. I thought it would help him to know that he was not alone. Now he is going to face rejection all over again. I feel like such a horrible mother. I feel like I keep failing him!
I made the decision to tell my son, now 12, about his sister and brother. He has lit a candle in church for sister for 8 years now, every Sunday for God to take care of her. I honestly felt like I had made the right decision. I never wanted to lie to my son. He took it upon himself to write his little brother (5) a letter and send a card. It was pretty short, just saying "hey, you have a brother." I answered all their questions, etc. They contacted ME! Hadn't heard from them. They even said about getting their son and the sister together before. I sent an email almost 4 weeks ago, requesting a time that we get the kids together. My gut tells me that my son would make a terrific big brother. They all have issues. Who wouldn't? Neglect, abuse, even probably sexual abuse, alcohol and drugs with bio parents. Now, his brother's parents don't want contact. They feel it is not in their son's best interest.
I am so hurt. Now I have to break it to my son, which is going to hurt him terrible. Should I have told him about his brother? My husband is upset at me for all of this. Says I am going to really hurt my son. But I feel that it would have been lying to him to NOT tell him, and ultimately that would hurt him more in the long run. I sent her (brother's mom) another email. Asking if ok for my son to occassionally send a card or letter or picture that she could keep for when he is older. I asked her to periodically send me a photo and update. My husband thinks I am wrong for doing this. WHY? How could this be wrong? When her son gets to be 12, does she think she is not going to have to deal with questions?
We have to look for alternative counselling for my son. His grades have dropped since I spoke with him about this. Now I feel horrible. I love my son. She says she wants what is best for her son. I want what is best for my son. But I guess what is best for both is not the same. I am so sad and so frustrated. I just want my son to have hope and to be happy. This is going to set him back and it is all my fault. Even my husband does not agree with me on this.
But if this was what he wanted, and as his mother, I felt that this is what was best for him, how could I NOT fight for it? For him? But it has all backfired on me now. I will have to be the one to tell him later. The last thing I want to do is hurt him more. Oh, God, I really thought it would help him to be a big brother. I thought it would help him to know that he was not alone. Now he is going to face rejection all over again. I feel like such a horrible mother. I feel like I keep failing him!
I had a thought as I was reading this tho. You and I have had a few discussions b4 so... maybe this might help IDK. What about telling him that he should go ahead and write those letters and get cards as he feels the need to...then you will just save them in a safe place and keep trying to get his bro's mom to let you send them periodically... Just let him know that you are on his side and will do whatever you can to help him get what he wants! That might make him feel better too! :) Also make sure to tell him that it is "not" him or his fault for his bro's mom's decision, she is prob having to deal with a lot herself and just doesn't know for sure what to do. And let him know that she may very well be "wrong" in her decision and that's ok too! It is what it is...for now! She may change her mind as time goes on. But that you are sure that his brother will want to see those cards and letters xome day for sure!!! Not for him to "give up"!!!
Not sure bout your hub, other than he has differing opinions on things...you still might encourage him to go to counseling with "you" only...and not your son! You two need to find common ground and get on the same pg. for your son's sake! This is prob confusing him too! :/
Hang in there, you are "not" a failure!!! Failure is when someone does not even try...they just "give up" b4 they even start!!!
P.S. maybe even have him try doing a scrapbook that he might want to give to his bro some day too!!! I heard that hospice actually does that and does it for people who have or had PTSD...might want to check into it...be worth a look-see...He has gone thru a sort of death-like experience!
(((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))
I told him. He was clearly disappointed and upset. He, himself believes that he could help his brother, which rips my heart out.
You are a wonderful mom...don't you doubt yourself!!! As long as you are fighting for him, then there is no doubt about that!
And it would help if your hub and you could agree on some things...esp in his presence! It can confuse him if he sees you two at odds as well...esp over stuff that pertains to him!!! ;/
(((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))
But yes, tell your son and be honest; and put it in a positive light for him that gives him hope for the future though. He knows now that he has a younger brother as well as a sister, but the time is not right just at the moment for them to meet up. It will happen when they are older I'm sure, but not just right now.
Your son no doubt will be dissapointed but give him time to digest and understand the situation.
His younger brother may too be struggling with the fact he has an older brother in another family. Or equally as you know there are issues within his birth family, is it that the parents do not wish their oldest born to have insight into their lives right now?
I think it's better to tell the truth and move forward; rather than lie or keep silent. It may be a setback right now, but keep focusing on a bright future for him - it will turn out fine. He lives in a loving, family unit where he is cherished and nurtured, and thats the most important factor in his life right at this young age. I wish you all the best.