I am so torn and would like some advice. My son was 4 when he came to live with us. In and out of foster care for the first 4 years of his life due to severe neglect and abuse. We were foster parents for 2 1/2 years until the adoption was final. All kinds of horror stories from his early life to be sure. And we certainly have had to deal with issues here: 2 1/2 years of horrible nightmares and night terrors, rage, ripping things up, breaking things, etc. For the first 2 months I could not touch him. After that, his rage was taken out on me. I was covered in bruises, spit, bite marks. We have been through all kinds of couneling over the last 7 1/2 years. I have to say that things are 110% better now than before. He is a very beautiful and smart and loving little boy. Most times he is good. He is also ADHD, PTSD, and is on Adderall. He still has his moments when he crashes. And when he crashes, it is bad. He can lose his temper and put his foot through the wall, his fist through a speaker, throws things, break things.

The reason for my post: I feel like we are stuck. Things have improved wonderfully, but we have plateaued for the last year or 2. I am not expecting miracles. But this current counselor focuses so much on how my husband and I react to my son's temper and behavior and our parenting skills, vs helping my son control himself in the first place. I understand (truly) that he is the victim in all of this. My son refuses at this point to see the consequences of his actions. He cannot seem to accept responsibilty for himself. He now reacts to us correcting him by saying what we do wrong, or we made him angry so he smashed the toy. My son's new excuse for everything is: "I can't control myself." I almost feel like this gives him the ability to make the wrong decisions and not care how he hurts others because he can blame it on other people or situations, or he just can't control himself. It's my Aparents fault because they are bad parents. It's my Bparents fault because they neglected and abused me. It is that kids fault I beat him up because he made me mad and I can't control myself.

Maybe it is time for a new counselor? Maybe he will grow out of this? My fear is that sooner or later he will do something, and there will come a time when "I can't control myself" can't be used as an excuse anymore. I know he can control himself. He is a black belt in karate. He is amazing! He can do so much when he wants to. Questioning my parenting skills is like putting the "blame" on me and not him. This is how I feel. Yet I still feel like I am failing him.

Am I being too harsh? Am I expecting too much? I know there will always be damage/pain from before. I know the first 3-4 years of a child's life are SO important. But I want him to stop being a victim and start being a survivor. I want him to take control of his own life/future. I want him to accept responsibility for himself and his actions. He is 11. I just want what is best. I want him to reach his full potential. We have so much to be thankful for. He has so much to be thankful for. Any advice would be welcome.