Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.
Brief background for those of you who don't know me. My son will be 14 in a few weeks. We took custody of him when he was almost 4 (so it is just over 10 years now.) It took 2 1/2 years of court for the termination of parental rights and for our adoption to be finalized. He came from severe abuse and neglect (and we strongly suspect sexual abuse but unfounded.) We were foster partents for 2 1/2 years. He is our only child (if you don't count my 3 year old "puppy.")
So much of what he is going through is just being compounded by teenage years, raging hormones, etc. We have been going to cousneling forever. He is on meds for ADHD and also Abilify for moods. But he is just so angry sometimes. he just has never learned to deal with frustration, anger, negative/bad feelings, feelings of shame, etc. His reaction is anger. I even think there is a hint of depression (both bio parents apparently suffer from depression as well.) I am just so sick with worry for him and don't know what to do.
It is SO sad to see a child be so down all the time and so angry. I just feel he is missing out on life. He is now obsessed with finding his bio sister and bio brother (both adoptive parents have specifically requested no contact, although they contacted me first!) I don't understand it and it hurts him so much. I can't believe the state would split the 3 of them up. (My son is the oldest of the 3 and we offered to adopt the sister. The brother was not born yet or we would have offered to adopt him too!) I can only imagine how it feels to have been rejected/beaten whatever by your parents and split up from your siblings. the poor kid must feel a huge chunk of himself missing.
I am writing this in hopes that someone out there can give me advice. My son can't change what his bio parents did or did not do. He can't make the other 2 adoptive parents let him see his siblings. I am trying to raise him in a Christian (Catholic) household and praying that faith will help him. I don't mean to sound heartless. He is my son. I love him. But sometimes life stinks. You have to deal with it, accept it. Mourn if you have to but move on. I know it is a deep wound. I am imploring the counselors for help. I am trying to get him a "big brother" with Big Sisters/Big Brothers so he has someone to talk to. Also maybe a support group. But he dwells on the negative so much and he is so angry all the time.
He is so special and has his whole wonderful life ahead of him. If only he could see it? I want him to know that he can make something of himself and be happy in spite of what happened to him. Adoption doesn't have to define who he is.
Any advice? Am I wishful thinking here? Too optimistic/unrealistic? Is this going to be like this for the rest of his life? Does it have to be this way?
So much of what he is going through is just being compounded by teenage years, raging hormones, etc. We have been going to cousneling forever. He is on meds for ADHD and also Abilify for moods. But he is just so angry sometimes. he just has never learned to deal with frustration, anger, negative/bad feelings, feelings of shame, etc. His reaction is anger. I even think there is a hint of depression (both bio parents apparently suffer from depression as well.) I am just so sick with worry for him and don't know what to do.
It is SO sad to see a child be so down all the time and so angry. I just feel he is missing out on life. He is now obsessed with finding his bio sister and bio brother (both adoptive parents have specifically requested no contact, although they contacted me first!) I don't understand it and it hurts him so much. I can't believe the state would split the 3 of them up. (My son is the oldest of the 3 and we offered to adopt the sister. The brother was not born yet or we would have offered to adopt him too!) I can only imagine how it feels to have been rejected/beaten whatever by your parents and split up from your siblings. the poor kid must feel a huge chunk of himself missing.
I am writing this in hopes that someone out there can give me advice. My son can't change what his bio parents did or did not do. He can't make the other 2 adoptive parents let him see his siblings. I am trying to raise him in a Christian (Catholic) household and praying that faith will help him. I don't mean to sound heartless. He is my son. I love him. But sometimes life stinks. You have to deal with it, accept it. Mourn if you have to but move on. I know it is a deep wound. I am imploring the counselors for help. I am trying to get him a "big brother" with Big Sisters/Big Brothers so he has someone to talk to. Also maybe a support group. But he dwells on the negative so much and he is so angry all the time.
He is so special and has his whole wonderful life ahead of him. If only he could see it? I want him to know that he can make something of himself and be happy in spite of what happened to him. Adoption doesn't have to define who he is.
Any advice? Am I wishful thinking here? Too optimistic/unrealistic? Is this going to be like this for the rest of his life? Does it have to be this way?
The little boy we cared for suffered from reactive attachment disorder and oppositional defiance, along with PTSD, and possibly a seizure disorder. He was only four, and he sucked up every bit of energy and attention in the house, and it was never enough. His rages lasted thirty to fifty minutes, and he displayed no conscience whatsoever.
Only your team of professionals can help you decide whether he will be able to live on his own as an adult, and no none of this is your, nor his fault. There are actually numerous blogs out there written by parents of emotionally disturbed children. Some of what they share might help you. Do you have any specific questions you'd like to ask, or can you offer. Ore details about his behaviors?
Regarding his siblings, if he wisplayed these behaviors in his original or earlier foster homes, there may be very good reasons to give them an opportunity to grow up without his disruptions. Most state agencies do everything they can to maintain the sibling bond. Recent studies have shown that it is actually more important than the parental bond, especially for children removed from their homes. At 14 though, he's old enough that compact would be valuable and beneficial. I share your disappointment that their adoptive families are choosing to disregard such an important relationship. In a few short years, his siblings will probably choose to seek him out on their own. You should probably share that idea with him so his anger is not misdirected. Please let me know if there's any other advice or help you need, and God bless you.
I think you should be truthful with him that the adoptive parents of his siblings are doing what they need to do to keep their families together. They may feel scared if he sees his siblings that they will be drawn to him and away from them so it really their fear stopping contact.It is nothing to do with him,how could it be when they dont even know him?
I am not sure i would mention his siblings trying to find him one day because if they dont he will be crushed.
i dont know whether i am being totally symplistic or not but when i first
read he was angry i thought to myself why not let him get it all out. Can he just vent and vent and express all the things that are making him so sad. The anger would be due also to the fact that all of his life is out of his control.
He has sooo much to deal with
his parents betrayal,
even though they were abusive there may be a part of him that still wants them very badly,even badly enough to put up with more abuse
he has lost his siblings and his whole family
he cant understand why he cant see them
he has to recover from the abuse dished out to him
poor poor baby
i know it must be terribly hard for you watching him go through all this you will need to be terribly strong and have faith and never give up.
Wish i had a magic wand right now so he couldnt feel all the pain he is feeling
even just two years of trying to survive in a severe situation abuse/negelect can (as you know first hand) shape a child's basic emotional relationships both with themselves, other people, and the world at large.
cbt may also be a help in giving your child coping mechanisms regarding his fear, anger, and resulting actions.
i have personally found that traditional talk therapy can only take me so far regarding the deep-seated issues that i developed as a survivor of abuse.
much love and luck in seeing your son and your whole family through these difficult years.
xx, beep.
He wants $80 sneakers for his birthday. My husband and I tell him his limit is $50. He runs away and says he wishes he was dead. I am beyond frustrated. He is constantly lying. I have to keep my room locked as he is stealing. I have to get an alarm for his door since he is sneaking out. I guess hope and a shoulder or two is what I am looking for. Failure is not an option, obviously.
I have heard that non adopted teenagers do this sort of behaviour also and he really seems to be testingine how you to the max.
I can only imagine how stressful this may be for you.
I have found with my teenagers that what seems to work at the moment is to not try and have discussions with them but to say "this is what i expect of you " and then you elaborate with what you expect them to do. I have a child/teenager who is not easy to deal with and this seems to work. I have tried and tried to talk to him but to no avail. Got very strong in myseld and adopted a no nonsense approach ,not angry just very definate and he was left with no illusion that i meant what i said. I didnt use the old "if you dont do this i will ban you from..........I just told him what i expected him to do and he actually did it.I am going to try this again as the situation arises and get lots of sleep for myself so i can manage.
its been too hard dealing with all the adoption issues and i have to focus my energy on other areas that i have been neglecting.
My son may not behave as badly as yours but he is very dificult and drives his family crazy. It is very dificult sometimes being a mum but you sound as determined as me so i wish you all the courage,energy and wisdom that you need.