I think what you have said really says a lot against adoption.It is pot luck.Some of us are lucky and some of us are not.
Just bringing a baby home doesnt mean everything is going to be wonderful for everyone for ever.And maybe some families havent got it in them to love unconditionally as they should.
I am sorry to hear you are so sad. The only thing I can suggest is to get yourself in the best place you can in life.
Don't take their baggage on board and be the person you want to be.
You are an adult now so you will be able to make a life for yourself.(said kindly)

Well its just my life experience, adoption. is a selfless great thing but I don't think its fair to pretend as though there are never any downfall to a closed adoption. Maybe I should have just written a journal however if it changes one person who might be contemplating open vs closed adoption, I don't regret posting it. I think if I knew more abt the circumstances and thought process and just abt my birth parents in general much of my internal struggle would not be going on. Thanks for your opinion however I don't see it as. negative necessarily just my personal experience. Also, I am working on separating myself from my adoptive parents, but it is difficult when you've had no support financially or emotionally since the age of 6. Have a great evening.

This shouldn't define who you are. I see a beautiful, young girl. I've been through soooo much as well and had my share of people whom treated me like crap, However have found hapiness in life. I'm not saying don't seek help or forget about it but your soo beautiful and I'm just trying to say screw those miserable people. Don't allow the past to bring down your future.. xoxoxoxo

I dont think i really gave an opinion, more options i would have thought.
now my opinion is something very diferent.
i was adopted into a great family but realise how lucky i was. So many adoptees have had such awful experiences like yourself
I cannot understand why people adopt kids to treat them badly.It doesnt make sense to me at all. There is a drive to want a child,then they get one, then they dont always treat them as they should.
Thats why i think a lot of people who adopt do not thiink of where their baby is from ,how they will feel when they are older etc
one guy on this site said he was glad he got his kids from overseas cause then he would be less likely to have the parents come back to see them or want them back. Not a tactful thing to say Not a very understanding thing to say.

So i feel very sorry you have had to miss out on your birth family and having a good adopted family experience.It simply sucks.

so what can you do to change your life? I suggest doing what you are doing getting away on your own.And yes i know it is financially tough and i am not suggesting it is easy. Sometimes it is better to chose our friends than struggle with people we cant get along with who are meant to be family.
so i am on your side totally and i am sorry if i gave a diferent impression

our families are what they are...instead of asking why, i would move forward with asking what you want out of your life from this point on...if that is separation from your adoptive family, then you are definitely on the right track.

if you can get into counseling, i think that might help you, as adoption obviously compounds the issue. a lot of counselors/analysts have a sliding scale if you don't have insurance.

a book or books may help as well. i haven't read it, but i hear 'the primal wound' is especially helpful for adoptees and intend to read it myself...

depression resources may also help you, as you already noted...

i feel for you very deeply...some things we cannot change and some things are in our power to change, as the saying more or less goes.

i wish you strength moving out of this place of hurt into a place of realizing your own power.

speaking from experience, it's not easy, but it's worth it, and i have faith that it can be done.

xx, beep.

I've just started reading The Primal Wound, extremely eye opening, thx for the advice! I'm just having a mid twenties crisis I think

"thanks for the advice" goes both ways...i really should get going on reading that myself...i'm glad it's helpful.

xx, beep.

Get yourself together, get a job, babysitting or what ever, and rent a room from a nice family, emancipation is an option, you can do it, you don't have to stay tied to a mean family. Sometimes churches can help.

take care
once you are on your own you can go to school for free and be what ever you want.

As a child I was going to be adopted but my mum changed her mind. I was the result of he affair and she was married. I had a horrible upbringing my stepdad beat me and emotionally abused me and she did not want me cos she felt guilt.
I was in a childrens home for some years as a child and I loved it in their, never wanted to leave but we had no choice in them days. Its got nothing to do with being adopted some families are just dysfunctional. Its not about you its about them and their issues, and pasts. Later I made up with my stepdad who said sorry. I was angry when young. All you can do is make your life better.

Mouse, please dont take this as I am saying it mean or anything because I am not...I seen the same comment you seen about the man not wanting the Birth family to show up at his door, I can understand as an adoptive mother why he feels that way. We cannot have our own children ( or at least in my case I cannot) so my only option is to adopt if I ever want to know what it is like to be a mommy...I dont ever want my children to be found by birth family for many reasons...One they did not come from a loving home that put them up for adoption because they wanted better for their kids, they were drug addicts and prostitutes. Two, I am raising these children as my own..I am changing diapers and feeding them and loving them and I am the one there when they are sick or need held..I kiss boo boos and I rock them to sleep after a nightmare. I am financially giving them a life they would have never had and I am proud of them when they accomplish new things...My husband and I are the one that have loved and are loving these kids, so forgive me, I know that the other persons comment is really bothering you because I have seen you talk about it in other threads, but you have to understand our feelings as adoptive parents. We are these childrens parents DNA be damned. It would be just like having these kids ourselves and being there for them for years and years and then someone come in and take them away...We are the mommies and daddies, DNA never made you a parent it only proves you are fertile. I am very much on this posters side about what he said. Much respect to you.

Bingo mom that id GREAT what you did for those children and you are right, yall are there parents. However I would really caution against hiding things. Or just pretending like the adoption never happened. Also, educating yourself with a book like 'the primal wound'... written by a birth mother would be very beneficial for you, your spouse, and your children. Please take the feelings your adoptive children will have no control over feeling into consideration. I know my adoptive mom meant well but by being defensive it made me go from extreme love and admiration towards her, we used to be best friends, to us both litera/ly despising eachother. Good luck.

I'm sorry, the book I referred to was written by an adoptive mother, helping me deal with mine, she never was educated and didn't know any better. A lot of damage was done. Not saying our situations are at all similar, just trying to save some pain.

Sunset, it is possible that you inherited the panic attacks and other issues from your birth parents. Depression is a mental health issue you may have to deal with for life, and their may not actually be anyone to blame, though your adoptive parents certainly don't appear to have helped you overcome those issues. If I read correctly, you're in your med twenties, and your older sibling got married and "left you" with them. Mid twenties is a great age to begin your own journey into the adult world, support system or not. Try to find a good doctor to help you manage depression. Try to find your bio parents and see if they deal with similar issues, it may help you gain perspective. Good Luck.

BingoMom, We too have adopted kids from foster care that had drug addicted parents. Two of our children we've had custody of since coming home from the hospital. That said, birth mom is birth mom, and nothing I ever do is going to change that. We're secure enough to understand that our kids will at some point want to seek her out and try to make a connection. Chances are, over the next twenty years, bio-mom will probably stop using drugs, and may get her life together. Our role will ne to support our kids, and help them cope with whatever they find. Just because I helped them through drug withdrawal, sickness, diapers, and paid for it all doesn't give us the right to erase their identity. Why are you worried they will simply dump you for another family they don't really know? Just because kids look for their birth parents isn't going to change their love for you, nor their relationship with you. I will warn you that if you stonewall your kids when the inevitable questions come up, YOU will be damaging your relationship with them, and they will trust you less.
I'm not advocating visits, phone calls, or even pictures. I'm saying your kids will grow up, start using the Internet, and eventually get a drivers license and a job. About age sixteen, don't be at all surprised when your kid comes in and tells you they found their mom on Facebood, and they're going to go visit her. The greater trust your child has in you when that happens, the better equipped you will both be to work through the inevitable issues. The worst case I imagine for my own kids, is that mom has her act together (or not), and plays up the fact that she loved them, but the state took them away from her. I.e., it's not her fault. We both know that's not the least bit true, but I could see her playing that card. Worse, I can only do harm to my child if I respond with the unvarnished truth. after all, anything negative I say about bio-mom is a reflection on them. The very worst details of bio-mom and her attitude toward her kids are things I would never tell them because I'd be inflicting needless pain. our best bet is to be the best parents we can be, love our kids unconditionally, and never let them think they have to hide their search for identity to spare our feelings. Wanting them to be safe with us includes the emotional safety to risk rejection by bio-mom in their search.

Sunset, it is possible that you inherited the panic attacks and other issues from your birth parents. Depression is a mental health issue you may have to deal with for life, and their may not actually be anyone to blame, though your adoptive parents certainly don't appear to have helped you overcome those issues. If I read correctly, you're in your med twenties, and your older sibling got married and "left you" with them. Mid twenties is a great age to begin your own journey into the adult world, support system or not. Try to find a good doctor to help you manage depression. Try to find your bio parents and see if they deal with similar issues, it may help you gain perspective. Good Luck.

BingoMom, We too have adopted kids from foster care that had drug addicted parents. Two of our children we've had custody of since coming home from the hospital. That said, birth mom is birth mom, and nothing I ever do is going to change that. We're secure enough to understand that our kids will at some point want to seek her out and try to make a connection. Chances are, over the next twenty years, bio-mom will probably stop using drugs, and may get her life together. Our role will ne to support our kids, and help them cope with whatever they find. Just because I helped them through drug withdrawal, sickness, diapers, and paid for it all doesn't give us the right to erase their identity. Why are you worried they will simply dump you for another family they don't really know? Just because kids look for their birth parents isn't going to change their love for you, nor their relationship with you. I will warn you that if you stonewall your kids when the inevitable questions come up, YOU will be damaging your relationship with them, and they will trust you less.
I'm not advocating visits, phone calls, or even pictures. I'm saying your kids will grow up, start using the Internet, and eventually get a drivers license and a job. About age sixteen, don't be at all surprised when your kid comes in and tells you they found their mom on Facebood, and they're going to go visit her. The greater trust your child has in you when that happens, the better equipped you will both be to work through the inevitable issues. The worst case I imagine for my own kids, is that mom has her act together (or not), and plays up the fact that she loved them, but the state took them away from her. I.e., it's not her fault. We both know that's not the least bit true, but I could see her playing that card. Worse, I can only do harm to my child if I respond with the unvarnished truth. after all, anything negative I say about bio-mom is a reflection on them. The very worst details of bio-mom and her attitude toward her kids are things I would never tell them because I'd be inflicting needless pain. our best bet is to be the best parents we can be, love our kids unconditionally, and never let them think they have to hide their search for identity to spare our feelings. Wanting them to be safe with us includes the emotional safety to risk rejection by bio-mom in their search.

Dave-your emotional maturity on this issue is where I hope I will be in some years. I agree with you that we have to allow our children to seek their identity. I have promised myself and husband that when the time comes; I will swallow my ego and help them find their bio family. Now this is my grown up side; the rest of me fears that they will feel like they dont belong and a bio mom will take over.

So I also understand BingoMom. I too cant have biologic children since they all inexplicably die. The prospect of adopting is my biggest source of joy and hope. Dealing with bfamilies scares me to death.

But I have read enough posts here and books to know that as you said our jobs as parent is to provide a secure enviorment for them to grow and thrieve whatever that may entail.

In sum, thank you for post. It was very insightful.