I've never heard of any. I agree that I don't believe adoptees could live unaffected by such an unnatural separation. Anyone who says otherwise, is in denial. I myself was in denial for a long time, and could have been mistaken as an unaffected adoptee. Underneath, nothing could be further from the truth.

I belong to a support group here at home and two members of the group who are adoptees claim that they have never suffered from any issues stemming from adoption and I find that claim incredible! They look at me as if I'm crazy and they frown upon the fact that I am a big supporter of Nancy Verrier's book the Primal Wound and they claim that not every adoptee feels that way. They both come from very loving adoptive families, they were well cared for and loved. And so this is something that really has been weighing heavy on my mind lately, I feel as if they are trying to convince me that I'm wrong with my way of thinking and that they are right. Why can't it be okay if an adoptee picks up that book, reads it and makes their own assessment of whether or not that they can relate or not. And then make their own decision whether or not they ever felt that way. Then they say, oh, I we wish you knew the difference between pain from abuse and pain from adoption. ( Can you tell that I had a support group meeting last night!) I was so disturbed by that comment like I was a pre-schooler who didn't know my ass from my elbow about how I've been feeling the entire 40 years that I have had to deal with these emotions! I was very insulted. Thanks for the response KathK!!

Very interesting topic -- I believe most of us live with a lot of emotional baggage, some of it we are aware of and wrestle with; some of it is so deep inside that we're surprised one day to learn "oh THAT's where this crappy feeling comes from..."

I have met adoptees, though not many of them, who have completely removed themselves from actually allowing themselves to feel the pain that is inside. I mean, many of us were raised to believe that we were as-close-to-blood relations as the family we grew up in. We were never to talk about how we really weren't. Never were to talk about having any pain attached to being given away. Acting like all is good is our life, at least that's what we were suppose to do as children.

So when we come across another adopted adult who is oblivious to their "stuff" and even takes the next step of accusing others of us who have dug and found some of the pain as something wrong with us -- (that didn't come out all that well but hope the point came across!) we find that we're really living in two different adoptee lands. Will we ever truly be able to hear each other and encourage each other?

Hard to do this when living in different lands. BUT, it's important to continue to hear each side, I believe, for one can learn from another, though it's very difficult.

Wish I could've been there, G'stone! Just the type of meaty group I'd enjoy!! Let us know how things evolve - hoping they do! Jan

I think I have been very lucky after being looked after by loving A parents.It's more the shock and hurt and other things now that are the problem.
The only thing I really missed when growing up was affection from A mum.Very odd as she went out of her way with everything else.This did affect my life needing that so in that way I was affected.

So I guess i was affected in some way but otherwise I think i must be healthy.Probably cause i didnt know and have always known that one secure thing i had in my life was the love of my a parents that never faulted.
Only sibce joining this site have i heard of such heartbreaking stories of how adoptees have been treated by their a families.Pity they are not all screend for motives instead of just being given a child whose life is precious and they can do so much harm.

Just to clarify I don't think anyone is crazy and really appreciate that we have all had such varied experiences.To those who had a bad time they probably wonder what it would have been like if only they had had their bio parents.I know I would and do anyway.ASdoption is cruel it is unfair and we are the ones who have to live with it.I would love to tell one of those goodie workers who thought my mum should not be allowed to raise me a thing or two

im adopted and have no issues as far as adoption goes

I believe that if a child has at least one adult to relate to during their formative years, he or she can turn out fine. Often what happens with children in cases of adoption, foster care, and even in intact families in which extreme abuse occurs, is that a child really has no one to turn to - no one to talk to, no one to act a role model or to be emulated, no one to reassure the child that things will turn out okay in spite of difficult circumstances, and especially no one to relate to emotionally.

If you've been through Hell (and that's no exageration for many adoptees, foster children, and abused children) as a child and then grown into adulthood, you may have pain that never seems to go away. And maybe for some of you, it won't ever go away entirely. You may be left with scars (mental, emotional, or physical) that make the rest of your life at times a very real nightmare. You may have imprinted inside you from your very earliest memory an inability to trust others, an expectation that other people are capable only of lying and harming you, difficulty finding other people to relate to as an adult...And much of that stems from not having had at least one caring, trustworthy, healthy adult to relate to in your childhood.

But there is always hope, always the possibility that you will in time find people who understand, and under the wings of their friendship, you will grow to become more fully human, able to trust, feel, be confident of your place in the world and among others.

We live in a world where people find it easier to tear down others than to build them up or to allow them to simply 'be'. Be aware of people who tear down people, and try not to let them tear you down, too. Seek out people who are fully human, who know how to relate to their fellow beings by building them up, or at least allowing them to exist in their own right, of their own right, as is their right.

I was a child of an extremely abusive family. The things that were done to me should never be done to anyone. My parents swung between wanting me dead and trying to trick me into committing suicide, to the extreme of wanting to keep me alive so that they could get government benefit checks. In order to be eligible for those government checks, I would have had to have been mentally retarded, and so what my mother did was to try to turn me into a mentally retarded boy by beating me daily, starving me to the point where everything went black several times a day for me, and keeping me out of sight - no school, no friends, the invisible child. No toys for the evil retard. No food for the evil retard. No school today for the evil retard. The evil retard must not speak or be seen by the neighbors. The evil retard must sit on the floor and not move. The evil retard must be punished because it's raining outside. For a long time, I actually thought I was the evil retard, that when bad things happened in the world, like plane crashes, it was my fault. Talk about brainwashing.

Getting off to a less-than-ideal start in life doesn't mean that you'll always be less than what you could have been. We are all born human, but we're all on a journey to becoming more fully human. All of us. Live all you can. Try new things. Meet new people. Take responsible risks. Promise yourself that you will try to make good memories from this time forward.

I am adopted and my adoptive mother was also adopted. I have all kinds of issues with adoption, which I am trying to work through. My adoptive mother does not understand this at all. She says she has no problems with the fact she was adopted and does not feel the "hole" I feel. She told me tonight that she doesn't understand why I am not grateful. I am grateful but still have issues.

I was adopted at almost a year old. I spent the time between birth and adoption in an orphanage. I don't think the adoption affected me as much as the time in the orphanage. I ended up with Reactive Attachment Disorder so never bonded with my adopted parents, or anyone for that matter.

Unfortunately changing has been difficult and the older I get it is even far harder to change. I wish it was as easy to change your personality as everyone seems to think it is.

Interesting question. I was adopted at 3 months by two very loving, affectionate, and attentive parents. They always were pretty open - I don't remember ever NOT knowing I was adopted. They heralded my birth mother as being a loving and unselfish woman who wanted her baby to have a mommy and a daddy. So I never felt rejected or second best.

However, I don't know that my parents, especially Mom, completely got me, if that makes sense. I am a right brained, cluttered, creative, emotional, slightly spacey blond. My mom is a type A, ambitious, neat as a pin administrator. So you can see the discrepancy. I do think that they were a little more protective of me because they had waited for me for so long.

The first time my husband suggested that my family might somehow be different from his (not inferior, just different), I wanted to scratch his eyes out. How DARE he??? I was not some dysfunctional weirdo with no real sense of family!! And I wasn't, but that wasn't what he meant.

Then I gave birth to my kids, and I started to wonder. Since then, I have met and have a "friendship" with my birthparents. It's an amazing story but irrelevant here.

Bottom line for me, I know being adopted affected me, but I don't think all my issues are because I am adopted. Does that make sense?

That does make alot of sense. especially when you grow into yourself and you give birth to your mirror images. you start to realize that maybe you were certain ways just because that is your personality especially when you see the same in your own children. I am a happy adopted 43 year old. It does get better. Love, Betsy

There are some problems that may be unique to adoptees,but I think all people have issues of one sort or another. I am an adult adoptee (adopted at 3 months old) and was raised by good parents; my mom in particular was very maternal, loving, and caring. My dad was a good man, just kind of distant. He would have been just as happy to not have children, but my mother didn't give him a choice. Knowing he didn't really want me did affect my sense of worth. That coupled with being adopted probably explains a lot of my insecurities. My A family was not perfect, but then is there any such thing as the perfect family?

I have abandonment issues that are most likely related to being adopted. Also, on some primal level feelings of not being "good enough". Again, probably due to being given up at birth. Through searching for and finding both birth families, I found answers and comfort in learning that a lot of my quirks and personality traits are inherited. In some ways finding where I came from gave me confidence, which in turn is helping me to be healthier.

I think that the question is similar to asking, Healthy Adults...Do they really Exist?

I think everybody in the world has problems. I think that adoptees have specific problems relating to adoption. However, I think that many of us are "healthy" i.e. we do not have specific mental or psychological illness.


I would agree with some of the responses in that we are all affected by it. However, I don't think that is necessarily unhealthy to feel sad sometimes, or to wonder, or to dwell or think about how being adopted makes us slightly different. I realise there are people who for perfectly understandable reasons find being adopted harder to deal with (e.g. being told late in life, or being adopted later in life).

All the same, I think that both types of people, those who find it hard and those who don't, should be understanding of other adoptees' perspectives. Perhaps some people find it helpful to deal with being adopted if they consider it as a problem. Perhaps others find it helpful to deal with being adopted if they don't consider it as a problem.

Personally, I prefer to see myself as healthy.

Just my thoughts.

I believe everyone that has been adopted has this thing I was gave away and WHY? Its just there you can't help it. My adopted mom says I used to beat my head against the floor at the age 3 saying I want my mommy. I didn't know I was adopted at the age three much less what adoption was all about. Can you control your feelings like that at that age, of course not. I think people handle it different than others but that question always remains WHY? I'm glad I was adopted and have had a great life! I have loving adopted parents and a birthmother who I have met that loves me also. She was in a bad sitution and had to do what she had to do! Do I think I would have done what she did? Aboustley NOT! But she did me a huge favor but that decision has haunted my emotions and feelings all my life. I think being adopted creates some sense of self low esteem, its like your not like everyone else your different or did something wrong to deserve to be gave away. But i'm ok with it. I am who I am and have to rember I'm responsible for my own actions and myself. In some sense I feel like I was dealt a bad hand, on the other hand I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't. So I make the best of every moment in this life and glad I was allowed to come in this world. I could have been washed down the garbage disposer, So thank GOD he let me live
!

i have a brother and a sister who were adopted as well as many (more than normal, i think) friends who were adopted, and the only person i know who says they don't have any issues related to this is my brother. i have no idea whether that is a front or the real deal, but it seems to be real to some extent...

as a side note, though adoption and the search and finding process has put me through a lot, i do think there have been many upsides. and i also believe that as long as i am up front about my issues and continue to work through them, i can be a healthy, functioning human being...

in fact, i think i have learned a lot and am that much the wiser and more compassionate for it all...

though i do have MY DAYS ::wink::

xo to all, beep.