hi,
thanks for your advice. :) I hear what you are saying..... weve been friends since age 13.... that's why I had a hard time with her not understanding or not believing in it. but, I just let it be.. and now she seems to be trying to be somewhat supportive in her own way I guess.

you should not listen to what he/she says
be yourself.

I use to think add/adhd was the 21 century excuse for had behaviour or parenting,but i agree with all the others people dont understand what they dont know?.
this will never change, add/adhd is discriminated because there is no scientic poof for grounds of a disease hence thats why its a disorder,does your frind believe in god? we cant see him doesnt mean he did or still doest exist....good luck

I've had some time to think while driving these last few days. I've thought a lot about the conversations on this particular post! I've chewed it over and over and over...most cattle would be impressed with my cud. Hope I've not been too verbose below. I enjoy critical thinking and everyone to embrace it as well! It's a whole lot of fun!! (Thanks to those who've written for supplying the catalyst to my rumination!)

"All I know is, it's hard to be myself in all my glory, if I am fully aware that the person in front of me denies a very real part of who I am. Good luck!"

I was thinking about this quote. The "very real part of who I am" refers to AD/HD, if I understand correctly. Or the AD/HD qualities of one's personality. AD/HD qualities ARE a part of one's personality (as the quote above emphasizes)...sometimes for better and sometimes for worse - it really depends upon how a person USES those facets of their personality to shape their own behavior.

I firmly believe that we are individually in control of our behaviors. Though there are most certainly a number of mental health conditions which would make controlling our behaviors much more difficult, and conceivably impossible (without God's help) at times, I rarely believe that AD/HD falls into that category of conditions (if it did, we would probably all be in jail or worse). For sure this type of control of behavior requires extra effort, extra attention to detail, and a strong desire to change and exert self-control in every area (especially including interpersonal communication) for those with AD/HD. I don't doubt that in the least, for I know it's true in my own life. But I believe that as a whole, AD/HD folks are still in control (or CAN BE in control if they choose to be) of their behaviors. We might not be able to choose what "comes in" from our environment or what we perceive or experience, because our nervous systems are wired 'differently' (I didn't say 'wrongly')...but we can control our response and what comes out. Maybe it requires bravery (facing overload sometimes brings me to the point of a literal panic attack where I begin sweating, shaking, etc.) that 'normal' folks don't have to muster daily (sometimes on a minute-by-minute basis for AD/HD-ers). Maybe it requires prayer and depending on a higher power (i.e. God) for help when our own human resources are depleted. What an individual depends on in order to have this amount of control might well depend on how severe the less desirable aspects of his/her AD/HD actually are. Yet I believe that with His help, anything is possible and behaviors of all sorts can be controlled.

Now back to the original quote... "All I know is, it's hard to be myself in all my glory, if I am fully aware that the person in front of me denies a very real part of who I am. Good luck!" Reflecting upon the idea that these AD/HD qualities are a part of 'us', the idea that they make us individual. If we are going to claim that our ADHD makes us unique or special, then we should be willing to claim that it is 'part of us' and not some separate entity unto its own, some 'disease'. My question now becomes "Why must we separate the two?" In other words, if AD/HD is part of us, why must we ask others to accept our AD/HD any differently than we would ask them to accept us as a person with beautiful parts as well as faults? Do you see what I mean? *Trying very hard to be clear.* AD/HD isn't a "very real part of who I am" - it IS who I am - I claim that those strengths, weaknesses, typical behaviors that are classified as "AD/HD" are indeed how I would typically function every day if not for my active choices to behave and act differently. But ADHD isn't my identity. An AD/HD person can "be himself" yet exercise self-control. Nowhere is there a law written to the contrary. And in fact, our own nation's laws allow us to "be ourselves" but within certain reasonable limits, as those limits are applied with the wellbeing and safety of the individual and others in mind. The same is true in our personal lives.

Now that I've shared that, some are probably wondering what in the world I think about medicating folks who have AD/HD. I'll openly share that I am myself medicated for ADHD. Ritalin and Strattera are my pills of choice at the moment (as well as caffeine - see my journal). I do not think medication is a bad thing. Neither do I think it is preferable. If one can control his/her behaviors and responses without feeling so stressed about simply the effort required to control his/her behaviors, then medication isn't my first choice. Whenever meds are used, I think counseling should be employed simultaneously (especially since the new world opened up to an AD/HD individual through medical intervention can be simply overwhelming!). I don't believe that medication should be a long-term or permanent option because drug addiction is a real possibility as well as the long-term negative health affects and the dependency that can result. I find it sad when a child, adult, or parent believes that he/she or his/her child CANNOT function or learn to control his/her behavior when taken off meds. This goes back to the fact that I believe that humans can control their behaviors. Medications are a tool, like the training wheels on a child's bicycle. With meds, the user is given a window that is open and leads to the 'outside'. But then the night comes (the meds wear off for that day or the body becomes tolerant to them) and it's time to shut the window. It can be opened again the next day or later in time (meds). There is a time for the window to be open and a time for the window to be shut - there is a time for everything in life. I know that if I depended on meds for a long time, I would forget how to exert self-control when I wasn't taking the meds (which is when it is harder for me to control myself). I would feel sad because I would feel like I couldn't control myself, even though that isn't true. I think too many people believe this - that they NEED the meds or something other than self-control and God to keep them under control or 'give them' control....they don't realize they already have it inside them. And so long as they depend on medications to do the work for them, I doubt the same ever will learn that they can do it themselves. It's a repeating cycle of dependency. I use the meds for short-term cycles. I make notes on how I think and act differently when I'm on the meds versus when I'm off the meds. Then I take what I learn and I work towards applying it to those times when I am off the meds. And that's what parents do to their children's bicycles when they use training wheels. Eventually, the training wheels have got to go or the child will never be able to ride his bike fast or make those tight turns - the child never really learns to ride his bike and go where he could and as far as he could unless those handicapping training wheels are removed.

Journey, I did want to respond to what you wrote. Thanks so much for replying - I do appreciate it.

"....Many of my students have mental health issues and are identified as "emotionally disturbed" in the educational system, for the purpose of accommodating their needs. When they go out into the world, upon graduation, many will end up in jail. Why? Because of the lack of support for the nonphysical nature of the countless disabilities/conditions that severely impact many of their lives."
TGG: I agree that there is certainly a lack of support for those who have cognitive disabilities and conditions. And in some states in the U.S. (such as North Carolina) it's only getting worse because of legislation which has cut funding for community programs while forcing the closure of institutions, state hospitals, etc! It's like an oxymoron in that the legislation which has lead to the closure of state hospitals and institutions had the good-will motive of supporting community-based integration programs and living arrangements such as group homes for individuals with cognitive disabilities...yet the funding for these community-based integration programs has been cut so that individuals in this population now have nowhere to go and are forced out (of the state hospitals) and onto the streets. Good-will gone bad! It is terribly sad and many are upset about the awful situation. Street living often does promote illegal activities (stealing, drugs....), and therefore I believe those who end up homeless because the system has let them down have a much higher likelihood of ending up in jail (where, almost ironically, there is a roof overhead, a shanty bed, commode, sink, and clothes...often better than street life).

"Society is much more apt to accommodate and provide help/support for things they can see, hear, or touch. A good example of this would be ramps that enable wheelchair users access into public buildings. If you hold someone with a physical disability to the same standard that you appear to hold those with nonphysical disabilities, then I must say that how "disabling" a physical disability IS depends on the choices of that individual...yes? At least we will be consistent in the standards we are using. "
TGG: Is society truly more accommodating to provide support for the physically disabled? I'm not sure either way on this one. (After being in a wheelchair for two and a half years and trying to access many "handicapped accessible" buildings and infrastructures, I determined that less than 50 percent of all infrastructures labeled "handicapped accessible" actually were for even the most experienced wheelchair users. ADA compliance sometimes makes me laugh (in more of a sad way than a funny way).) I think the public is generally more open and better educated about physical versus non-physical/cognitive disabilities (and that's a problem which we can ALL help to remedy through self-education, learning directly from those with disabilities, and sharing what we've learned with family, friends, healthcare providers, and coworkers). There is probably more fear associated with cognitive disabilities in the mind of the public at large. Looking back in history, it is intriguing to consider that while mental institutions were in boom, those with physical disabilities were often found in the same institutions as those with mental disabilities, regardless of mental state/abilities. Society moves in ebb and flow, as a pendulum. During alternating points in history, society has desired to hide its "flawed" constituents, whether this be in asylums or rejecting them and putting them out on the streets. At other times, we've seen the better side of humanity, when those with disabilities have been accepted more fully into society and valued for their individual abilities. Yet I've found that throughout American history in particular (I've hardly studied other countries, and therefore I cannot attest to the universality of this occurrence), society tends to treat folks with disabilities of both physical and non-physical natures in similar ways. Society either generally accepts all or rejects all, and as a pendulum swings through its crescent course back and forth, so there is a mid-point and quarter points as well rather than sole pole opposites.

You're right. How disabling a physical condition is does not necessarily reflect the severity of the physical condition itself, but very much hinges upon the attitude of the one who has the condition. Determination is a huge factor. And yes, a physically disabled person may make choices that either foster or inhibit further personal maturation and life success. As with AD/HD and cognitive disabilities, emotions and beliefs play a most significant role in the choices of a person with a physical disability. Too many wonderful people who have physical disabilities are more disabled by their insecurities and fears than they are by their physical challenges.

Both the individual with AD/HD or a cognitive disability as well as a person with a physical disability should be held to the same standard in that each should try with all his/her might to find that niche to which he/she belongs. Everyone has a purpose, and that purpose accounts for his or her strengths and weaknesses. Nobody is perfect (and least of all, me), and nobody should expect anyone else to be perfect. So the point is more one of finding out where you belong and then being content in that place.

I may always be proved wrong...that's fine...I'm only human. I think that a person with AD/HD who does not experience common comorbid conditions has less to fight with than those with comorbid conditions (OCD, Anxiety, Bipolar, LD...the list goes on...). The body is physical yet the mind is metaphysical. By laws of nature and physics, the body can be pushed so far and has rather specific limits. Yet the mind can go so much further. So in my own life, I found that while I was stuck using a wheelchair and I could simply not get around a certain obstacle or up a flight of stairs....with my ADHD I could often find ways to work around mental obstacles which, if they were physically represented, would be otherwise insurmountable. This may not be the same for other people because we are all different, and therefore I should have taken this into better account when writing last time. For others, the mental road blocks may always appear more like mountains than the physical road blocks which may look like speed bumps. I suppose it's all viewed differently based on personal experience.

"Also, I'm not sure why you would think anyone would need to put the word "sorry" before saying... I'm ADD. That's like saying, sorry, I'm mentally retarded, or...sorry, I have Cerebral Palsy. How can you apologize for something you did not choose? I don't ever hear folks say that. What I do hear them say is, I'm sorry for (whatever the behavior was). ONLY if it's necessary to increase tolerance and understanding in a situation, would I hear them also say something like...I have ADD...not in an effort to excuse their behavior but to help another person understand, that's all."
TGG: Unfortunately, I've heard several ADD-ers (adults) make excuses in this way. Hopefully, in time, those who have been using a diagnosis as an excuse will learn better methods of dealing with the consequences of their behaviors. I'm glad that you've not heard excuses such as those I described...maybe we are moving in the right direction.

Well, it's really late. I've been thinking about this for at least two hours now as I sit here at my computer writing. Thanks for reading and I hope I didn't put anyone to sleep!!

TGG

Thought this was interesting:

http://www.additudemag.com/additude/article/1017.html

people beleave what they want so you do that.

I am motivated to write this in response to TGG.

First, I will write to sunflower. I feel bad for what you're going through with your friend. You're ADD is a part of who you are and you want to share yourself with your friend right?

We all do. I would like to share myself with other people but some don't believe it or will laugh at the thought of ADD. It sucks. We really need support from others. I've relied on my dad, therapist, and now I have an ADD coach. I also write to my ex's mom about it.

Isn't it like a dagger in the heart when people don't believe us?

My advice to you is to accept your friend for her beliefs regarding ADD. If you don't do this you will bring yourself more disappointment, which you do not need. I suggest trying to make friends with people who are caring and are willing to listen to you. This is what I have to do. I want to be close to people but it is very difficult. I went to a meeting for people with ADD and there wasn't anyone my age.

I think we need people in our lives who can lift us up when we need it. The people who I have hung out with over the years probably are not the type of people that are a good influence for me. I don't know. Send me a message if you want. We can encourage eachother.

Now to TGG. Have you ever heard of comorbid disorders? People who have ADD can have problems with depression, anxiety, OCD, and even bipolar. I have had problems with depression and anxiety.

It's very difficult to make the right choices when you're brain is going so fast that you can't even keep up with it. I also have a lot of childhood issues that have affected me, which I'm trying to sort through.

Choosing to be in control and having the ability to be in control are two different things. Sometimes I wonder if I am really in control.

I have tried so hard to control myself and my thoughts. Do you know what happens when I do this? I can actually get worse.

Maybe I'm just frustrated right now with how I've been treated and even blamed for things when I had know idea that I had ADD. I do accept responsibility for my actions and words. I just want to be understand in the context of ADD.

As far as God, I have prayed so much. I honestly feel that it is not possible for me to live my life according to the scriptures. At least right now. I'm not sure if you believe in the bible but it sounds like you do.

Anyway, I would like to discuss ADD with people anytime. I am not always the best at keeping up with things but talking about it does help.
Jon

Windinhishair,
You said that there is no scientific proof for the existence of ADD? This is incorrect. I have a book called healing ADD and the author(a Dr. and researcher) proves SCIENTIFICALLY that the brains of ADD people are different in how they function. I suggest you check it out.

Hi,
I really liked the attention movie. It made me want to cry and then made me feel hopeful. So many people just don't understand. Thanks. I'm going to spread that clip around.

Every criticism of my son's behavior was a slap in my face. Fortunately, I had four children before him that I had parented and they were well behaved, so I knew it wasn't me. He has had teachers in his special ed classes tell him, "you don't have ADD, you are just obnoxious and lazy..." or on a good day, "what did you feed him for breakfast that was different?" In staffing meetings at school from year to year the advice varied... are you rewarding him enough or are you giving him too many unearned gifts? All me, I was the key. I even cried when the court behavior analyst concluded, he needs family counseling, and private counseling ... My discovery of Dr. Willam Hammesfahr, M.D. who is a Neurologist finallly gave me victory. SPECT and MRI brain scans proved that Matt has blockage in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. Just as I had determined four years ago when reading, "Change your brain, change your life" by Dr. Daniel Amen, M.D. but he advocates pharmeceuticals. Dr. Hammesfahr put Matt on a Natural protocol of Magnesium to open the blood vessels to the brain. People would never say to a man in a wheelchair who is paralyzed from the waist down to get up and walk... you have legs. You're not paralyzed, you are just lazy. My son has been trying to be good for 17 years, now he is feeling some success in thinking before he acts. Small victories and to hades with the nay-sayers.

P.S. a note to TGG, I read every word you wrote. I love to think that someday my Severely emotionally disabled son with Specific Learning Diasabilities will be able to formulate even one sentence and articulate thoughts he had in his head for hours, as you stated you had. He can barely write an apology letter (one paragraph, 3 short sentences) when mandated by the courts for starting a fire in Park. He is 17, and should be able to do so by now. There are definitely degrees and variables in this "disability" my son deals with. Thank you for the insightful communication.