my daughter is the same way.I use to just get really upset.then I just told myself it is how she thinks and so Ihad to redo how I handle it. I make her a list ofwhat needs to be done, she cannot remember if I just tell her go do thi and this, and to tell her to just go clean,well her clean and my clean are different, hers isa comfort thin too, she told me she can think better with her papers everywhere, anyway, I make a list and tell her to bring it to me when she is done, then we go check things off. it may not be as tidy as I would have i, but I fugure as she becomes older hopefully it will get better, the list does help, she is very disorganized and she has stuff everywhere, she has tons of papers everywhere.her stuff as she clls it, I gave her a box and told her that was for her papers. it is fullto the top,but her papers are in there, she may never take them back out ans I am sure she forgets what they are but she knows they are in her box in her closet. her dresser drawers are a mess, we work on straightening them out, but a day later they look like a train ran through them. so we are still workingon that, the one rule I am strict about and do not give her any leaway is dishes and glasses in her room, any kind of trash,. she can have her little messes but nothing like that, I also had to really fight myself to not go in there and remake her bed, there are days I will make it if shehas not done it and she is gone, made beds are important to me. I am only hoping that with patience and trying to show her how to tidy up that by the time she is ready to move out on her own she will be neater, but I know she will never be as organized as some people, so teaching her skills onremebereing where she puts things and stufflike that is a must. now wheh we are going to have company then her and I clean her room together. hang in there, the list thing does help though,

thanks for the advice will give it a go and let you know how it goes. hes not well at the momment so will have to wait till he gets better. sometimes its hard to know wether im being to strict and other times i dont want him getting a way with things its hard to find the right balance especially because of his difficulties.

I was having the same problem with my son. I don't know if you want to try this, what I started was a check list also. It was a daily chart and on it he had things like clean his room, take his pills, brush his teeth, take a bath, do his homework and anything else you may want to add. I took the time before I started this and cleaned his room to show him what I expected of him. I told him this is what his room should look like everyday. As long as he did this everyday, it never gets that bad. Kids with adhd need routine and when he has this chart to follow everyday he likes that he is doing things on his own. He use to fight me against homework, brushing teeth, cleaning room. Now my insentive is to give him an small allowance on sat. If he has filled in his chart. If you can't afford that, you can do something like let him stay up 1 hour later on weekend. or pick out his favorite meal. there are lots of things you can give incentives for. It works for me. my son is 8, but if I didn't do it now, when he is a teen he would be worse. maybe worth a try. good luck.

The checklist and treat worked for me for a while, then, I'd just forget how things are supposed to be, and I'd be back to a mess in a moment...
Stickers on the drawers and closet door helped more to remember where are things supposed to be...

Right now, as an adult, I still have listings. Daily listings, and weekly lists. Very precise things to do for each room.
not just like Bedroom: pick up your things and get ready for tomorrow, but get clothes out for tomorow, put papers in drawers, dirty clothes in box, read books in the library, unread books on the night table, backpack paked, and so on.
The more precise the list is, the less likely I am to forget something and get a mess in an instant...

The one thing my daughter would always do was throw everything out of her drawers to find what she wanted to wear and then not put it back. Now we have hung all of her clothes in the closet so she can actually see what she is looking for and it works a lot better.

I agree with sharik. We (as in my son and I) REQUIRE routine, especially for minding the details of home life. For those reading this who do not have ADD, please understand that our behaviors are not moral shortcomings. Words like slovenly, absent-minded, and piggish all come to mind, but describe folks who CHOOSE to live a certain way. There's the rub.

Your son doesn't choose to have ADD, nor is it your fault (I know mom's have that thought ever lurking in their minds). What is needed is a plan of action, communicated clearly -- that means he's looking at your eyes face-to-face when you tell him. Say something, or write an agreement where he signs it (b/c he WILL forget) that explains "This is what I expect and when I expect it. For meeting this A expectation, you can have your choice of X, Y, or Z. If you decide (remind him it is his decision) not to meet A expectation, B or C will result.

My challenge is framing the discussion to reward positive behavior rather than punish negative behavior. My parents never bothered to do this. Their default behavior was to punish for not doing whatever it was they wanted me to do.

Your challenge is to be clear with your expectations and follow through. That's why writing them down helps.

Hope that provides you with encouragement and the support you need. Let us know how things work out.

Cheers,
Mike.

I feel you on this!!! One thing that I have been struggling with a great deal is the fact that they say that ADD is inherited, and so it clearly is in my family, so how does a mom help her daughter whose ADD is as bad or worse than hers? Not only is my daughters bedroom a nightmare, but mine is too. And I am preoccupied with all the shame that comes from being female and very poor at this type of thing. What I keep trying to do is say to her "look, you are an incredible person. You are smart, and funny. You are beautiful. Creative. Great to be with, go places with and do things with. Does anyone really want their gravestone to say "her bedroom was spotless"? Yet there is so much judgement going on about these superficial things.
The other thing I would say is to do it with her. It is not only harder to do mundane tasks like that it is harder to learn how to do them, and my daughter responds best to people, so staying connected with her helps her. So, we'll kind of putter in her room, and talk, and I'll say here, let's put your papers and books on your desk here, and then do that, and just kind of keep it going that way. But it is interesting that for someone who is as messy as I am, and with a father and now a daughter the exact same way, how perfectionistic I am at the same time!!!!! And how distressing chaos and a mess are to me;yet I seem to work at re-creating the messes every time. So I guess that I've been trying to stop the "I should" going round in my head...I should have a clean house. I should pay bills on time. If I don't, nothing else counts. Or, that somehow I'm going to finally get the place cleaned up "for once and for all". Not that you give up having any standards, but that you remember what your coping with and what matters most. It is so easy to say to oneself 'but these are the little things, the easy minor things, why can't we just get these out of the way and keep up with it and then focus on the big picture, on friendships, on designing a line of haute couture, of writing a novel, or starting up an online business. I don't know if others struggle with this, but there is such a value placed on conformity and compliance and superficial appearances these days. I do think that the idea of hanging things in the closet is a good one, because with ADD it's gnerally "out of sight out of mind".

i'm a poor cleaner myself i want everything clean and sometimes i think hey i'll do it tomorrow and then i feel guilty and the mess irritates me. and because i feel guilty and bad for not doing it i dont want jason growing up and feeling the guilt i feel for not doing it. but then maybe he wouldn't feel guilty if i dont criticise i'm confused now. thankyou betsy for helping me to realise that we should spend more energy on the things that matter the most.
xx

Personally, I live in clutter, but I'm organized and under it all it's very clean. I move my furniture to clean behind it weekly, so theres no dirt underneath everything. I also refuse to let my clutter enter closets and drawers. I have a space for everything but most of the time not everything is in it's space. I need out of sight areas to be extremely organized so when I am looking for things I don't have to take everything out of them and dig through them to find something. I label everything and keep it sorted so I know whats in the closets. There is an easily accesible and visible space for everything in closets. I still tend to go on scavanger hunts a lot for items I can't find, but it's easier if I leave things I need to find in plain sight. Out of sight means out of mind. In school I used to lay out my books and projects in school in piles on the floor. I also utilize a dry erase board on the wall to write any thoughts/tasks down on(that way I don't have too many papers, or too many incomplete thoughts). I post my important papers/projects on the walls so I see what needs to get done just by looking around.

Every individual has a different cleaning and organization styles, so you have to figure out what works best: baskets, closets, shelves, dressers, dry erase boards, tact boards, paper lists, vertical or horizontal paper bins, large desk space for stacks.

I agree with the closet idea. I never had a dresser as a kid I always had shelves and I liked it so much better. I could see everything and just used a couple of baskets for socks and underwear.