ADHD / ADD Support Group
Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD) are more common than you might think. It is a syndrome that exhibits symptoms such as hyperactivity, forgetfulness, mood shifts, poor impulse control, and distractibility. Join others who suffer from these conditions and share your experiences.
Hi all,
Im searching around trying to find some support, my Husband has told me how he was told he had ADHD/ADD.but he blew it off as rubbish.
Can you help me on this, our marriage is so difficult and I don't know what to do.
His behaviour has always baffled me somewhat but ya know we are all different , and thats ok, but its really beginning to worry me now.
How can I explain?
He seems to have a terrible memory,
I have to tell him the same things three or four times a day,
he doesn't seem to be able to retain information,
he has never been able to read a book,
he flits from one thing to another without finishing any of them,
he doesn't seem to be able to think ahead and is very impulsive,
if he is doing a task if I interrupt him he cannot restart without difficulty,
he seems oblivious to others,
if Im not in front of him he doesn't think of me,
its his way or no way,
he seems to have difficulty connecting the dots with situations ( such as, the ovens on so I must be going to be cooking?!)
he can never remember the correct words for things.
He will turn the radio up in the car when I start to talk.
I find it very difficult not be short and irritated with him when he makes me feel like he doesn't hear me or take notice of my replies to things. It makes me feel like he disregards my opinions and answers to his questions.
So when he mentioned ADD I was somewhat relievedbut he hasn't taken this on board. He says no ones perfect.
He really seems oblivious to how his actions make others feelI don't think he means to upset people.
He comes across as stupid and lazy to my children as he asks the same things more than once and gets his words wrong.
We have been together two years and Im worried for us as a couple.
He is kind and generous and good fun though. I want to make it work but his seemed 'thoughtlessness' hurts me every day.
He has three ex wives, the last one had him tested for Aspergers, but it was not diagnosed, and it was mentioned about ADd when his nephew was diagnosed and people commented on the similarity between them.
I appreciate he is what he is, but I need ways to cope and not be so hurt by him.
any advice please?
Im searching around trying to find some support, my Husband has told me how he was told he had ADHD/ADD.but he blew it off as rubbish.
Can you help me on this, our marriage is so difficult and I don't know what to do.
His behaviour has always baffled me somewhat but ya know we are all different , and thats ok, but its really beginning to worry me now.
How can I explain?
He seems to have a terrible memory,
I have to tell him the same things three or four times a day,
he doesn't seem to be able to retain information,
he has never been able to read a book,
he flits from one thing to another without finishing any of them,
he doesn't seem to be able to think ahead and is very impulsive,
if he is doing a task if I interrupt him he cannot restart without difficulty,
he seems oblivious to others,
if Im not in front of him he doesn't think of me,
its his way or no way,
he seems to have difficulty connecting the dots with situations ( such as, the ovens on so I must be going to be cooking?!)
he can never remember the correct words for things.
He will turn the radio up in the car when I start to talk.
I find it very difficult not be short and irritated with him when he makes me feel like he doesn't hear me or take notice of my replies to things. It makes me feel like he disregards my opinions and answers to his questions.
So when he mentioned ADD I was somewhat relievedbut he hasn't taken this on board. He says no ones perfect.
He really seems oblivious to how his actions make others feelI don't think he means to upset people.
He comes across as stupid and lazy to my children as he asks the same things more than once and gets his words wrong.
We have been together two years and Im worried for us as a couple.
He is kind and generous and good fun though. I want to make it work but his seemed 'thoughtlessness' hurts me every day.
He has three ex wives, the last one had him tested for Aspergers, but it was not diagnosed, and it was mentioned about ADd when his nephew was diagnosed and people commented on the similarity between them.
I appreciate he is what he is, but I need ways to cope and not be so hurt by him.
any advice please?
but our sex life is good - he seems to need a lot! ( every day, sometimes more) He has had affairs on his last three wives - possibly due to lack of interest ( well obviously) but you know what I mean! so Im very aware of this!
I try so hard to be patient and loving but right now he just gets me so irritated its difficult!
How about communication skills?
His are awful - he hardly ever shares anything with me - people visiting or changes in plans. I feel out of the loop all the time.
He does repetitive movements, usually drawing a square shape in the air with his toe or finger, if he has to sit still. drives me nuts!!
also he does very inappropriate things which make me upset and embarrassed - he seems baffled that they have upset anyone?! Like in a pub once at the bar he started talking to the 18 year old bar maid about which sex toys she liked?!! I was speechless. And he comments randomly on peoples appearance in the street or on their handbags etc. He also will go up and try and pick up small children ( he's a swimming teacher) if they are playing nearby. I feel like I have to watch him all the time.
He once leant someone 8000 pounds as he felt sorry for them , putting him in debt himself?! and he paid a builder 15000 pounds as a holding deposit for job he was speculating about - when he asked for it back the builder said he didn't have it and he couldn't have it back because it would bankrupt him. So we take the debt again. It confuses me no end why he would do these things.
but how is it for him? what can I do to make life better for us both - Im sure he doesn't like me getting irritated with him all the time!
life is horrible., for me anyway, he seems oblivious to my pain.
x
x
Please, no matter what, in any way personalize your husbands disorder. He had/has ADHD, before(with or without you), so feeling hurt, by his behaviours is very unfortunate, as he does not have this disorder to inconvenience you. Your hurt feelings are justified and very real to you, however, his love for you, in-itself; cannot cure him,..he must, on his own merit choose (or not) to acknowledge and make the effort to get the help he needs. I, myself have ADHD, and it has been a life-long struggle. I went weekly for several years for behavioural therapy with a specialized, ADHD psychiatrist who monitored me on meds and it did help me very much; BUT I went for several years of previous counselling with no positive result, until I took meds, simply because I was incapable. I NEVER believed in meds before my own experience, but was motivated by 'hitting bottom' just like they say about alcoholics,..I had gotton so depressed from all my failures, and all the continuous negative feedback/input from everyone I loved. My doctor told me like this: If my disorder was something obvious like being diabetic, I could not afford to deny medical support. Nor would loved ones blame me for my condition if I was blind; people would not tell me that if I just tried harder I would get over it, and suddenly be able to see. It is often (80%) I think bio-physiologically inherited - and it is not from poor parenting, excess sugar intake, or food allergies. Two of my grown children of 3 have it, which is why I sought help - Originally to learn to be a better parent, I thought it was my fault, I fell for the societal blame-game, and felt like the loser-of-losers at parenting. Just food-for-thought. I wish you love and happiness, and hopefully you will find your way. My psychiatrist had A FAVORITE BOOK, back then, 'Change Your Brain, Change Your Life' I think by Daniel Amon?, It gave 'prescription' behavioral tasks to practice that I found helpful. ps. my ADHD was so bad that the dyslexia from it was so bad, I couldn't even learn to read properly until I was on medication. Good-luck,Sunnyjax,..don't forget to love yourself ( =
Im trying to learn how to be a better wife for him.
I appreciate he has to also make steps forward with this, if we don't get some way towards coping with this then our marriage will fail, I will have to leave him. but I don't want to. I want to manage this as a couple, he seems so shut off in his own bubble
I want to learn how to react better to him, to help us.
x
What YOU can do for him, yourself, and your marriage is get competent counseling/therapy for yourself. Your therapist should be someone with a lot of experience with ADHD. It will be a long process, and a lot of the time you will probably NOT be discussing ADHD, but that's just how it works.
Also (in addition, not instead!!) you should learn as much as possible about ADHD. My favorite are books by Ed Hallowell.
Good luck!
Sasha
I certainly can't offer any enlightening comments, but I CAN tell you that as a brand new member of the group, these comments have been a HUGE help for me.