Oh sweety, I am so sorry! On March 17, 2004 my husband died of a drug overdose! I was not with him when he died and have always felt that it was an accident! He wasn't a full blown drug addict but if anyone handed him a pill he would take it without even knowing what it was. This time it was oxycontin and way too high of a dose for him. Sweety when he died i thought i would die! I remember the day after his funeral looking up at the blue sky and thinking "how can life just gone on for everybody? How can the world just continue to go through the movements of life when my Shane was gone!!" It hurt so bad! I felt like my throat closed up and I couldn't even take a drink of water! He was the sweetest, kindest person you could ever meet. But he just couldn't handle the mean side of people! Everything upset him! Kind of like Kurt Cobaine. It just made him sick when anything bad happened to anyone. I think he just gave up or maybe it was just an accident, but regardless life does go on! I KNOW that you don't think it will! No, it WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, NEVER! And for the rest of your life, there will always be a little part of you that is sad, that's what bothered me so much, I knew that no matter what, I would always have this little piece of me that was gone! I tried going to the cemetary and talking to him but found that I would get excited, like I was going to actually "see" him, so I stopped going, but I never stopped talking to him! Now, I don't know what your beliefs are as to the after life, but I do believe that Shane is up there looking out for me! Every once in a while, I'll see him just for the briefest of moments out of the corner of my eye, or I'll be in the car and out of nowhere our song will come on and I'll know that he is there with me. At times I can actually feel him with me! I believe these "encounters" are a huge gift and I appreciate every single one of his visits. But these visits did not come until I was past the grief and had moved on with my life. When I was grieving I wanted to see him so bad, just for one second to tell him that I loved him but it didn't happen until later. there are lots of books you can read about the after life and I found them very comforting. The one I found most comforting was called "Hello from Heaven" and contains hundreds of real life stories of people who have had a loved one contact them. It might bring you some comfort to know that he is ok and to know that he would want you to go on with your life, not forget, but move on! Sweetheart, i'm not going to tell you that your life will EVER be the same, because it won't and I also want you to know that there isn't ANYTHING that anyone can say to you that will make it feel better! But you will feel better, I promise you this, and please know that he is watching down on you from heaven and I am sure that he isn't happy about your grief! See, grieving is for the living not the dead! All of the hurt and pain that you feel now is for YOU, not for him because he has moved on to a better place! And please, don't ever think that it should have been you that died in that accident! There is a reason why you lived and C.J. didn't. Of course we don't know the reason because we arent God, but I do know that we all here on earth a short amount of time, some of us have more time than others. I think that your C.J. had learned everything that he could here on earth. He gave everything that he had to give and it was just time for him to "go home". I know that doesn't help the people that are left behind, but we are all here for a purpose and once we have fulfilled that purpose it's time for us to move on! God must have really thought your C.J. was very, very special for bringing him "home" at such a young age! Anyway, I hope that something that I have said has brought you some comfort! Life is never easy my dear, but it does get better, I promise! If you need someone to talk too, you know where to find me. My name is Stacy and I am a 41 year old single mom of 2 beautiful little girls! I will be here if you need me!