Hello dumbidiot, I agree with JPFlynn, you don't have to become a whore before you get married. That talk about women prefer a man with a good sexual record is rubbish. Just like a man does not want a woman who has been around the block too many times, well, a decent woman does not want a man who has been around the world (sexually) either. Some of my male friends who are practicing abstinance have shared that some women feel if they don't have sex with them, you are either gay or they (the women) is not attractive to them. Stick to your guns, you'll be glad you did and so will that special woman.

Wolf,
I want to personally thank you for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and direction for DI. I don't know if I could have said anything else that you haven't said already to encourage him to seek personal and needed help. I agree that a healthy relationship begins with a healthy state of mind meaning that one must have a healthy self esteem and the ability ...and willingness to balance the good and bad in life. I especially agree with your comments regarding being content with yourself, whether you're with someone or not.

I am in my late 40's and a number of people(friends) have tried to set me up with someone. I chose not to be in a relationship at this time because I don't want to be with a 'man hore' either. Many relationships seem to be dictated by the 'sex' factor. I was told...by a woman, that I wouldn't find a man that would be interested in a relationship without sex first and that my expectations were unrealistic (she even laughed at me). My response was, that may be true...or not, but my life wasn't dependent upon someone else and I refuse to be 'handled' by the dictates of societal norms or perceptions. This is a BIG world. I believe 'everything' is possible. I believe that if I continue to live the best possible life for me then I can directly and/or indirectly contribute positively to someone's life. I believe that none of us, individually, have all the answers, however, collectively we provide the missing pieces for each others lives. I believe that when we learn to live well with ourselves, we can live well with almost anyone. I believe that if DI looks beyond his loneliness and focuses more on the positive things in life, the depression won't have such a grip on his life. I believe, as you stated, that he should seek professional help, despite his perception of its weakness, that he too could find life beyond loneliness. If DI reads this post, I hope he considers the possibility that he is wrong regarding his resolve to end his life. If he takes the 'what if' position and considers ... life. If he could/would consider time for other answers, alternatives, and possibilities to manifest in his understanding. ...I believe that despite the ups and downs, life is beautiful and you can meet people who help to make it beautiful (yes, even without sex).

Again, thank you wolf. Your comments have helped to encourage and inspire me.

Lyn

DI,
Please wait before acting on your present emotions. Please consider other options. Please take Wolf's advice and seek professional help.

Lyn

Latrlyn,

I, personally, want to thank you for adding to my post. Having support is what we are here for specially in a world where we are made to feel wrong but deep down we know we are not and that what matters in the end.

I simply distresses me to see young guys/girls give in to what society dictates just to feel being a part of it at the cost of their values and ethics.

But I am happy to see others are following their own values and are able to find beauty and peace, in spite of it all, that alone is worth getting up in the morning.

Hopefully now that I am not the only one talking to him (for a short spell there it seemed, I was the only one invested in helping him) about how life can actually be without self-sacrifice, he'll be able to reconsider his position and get the help he so desperately needs.

If you need further encouragement, do not hesitate to ask.

Thank you again for your wonderful addition to my post,
Wolf

thanks for the replies but i will not consider any kind of therapy or anything else to do with the manipulation of the mind, i will try to get through this on my own, maybe suicide wins and maybe it doesn't we will have to see. By the way, why are there so many studies done on sex anyway, couldn't we use that time and money to invest into more IMPORTANT studies, that's the only reason i have these thoughts, AND also where the hell did AIDS come from or any STD, no one has an answer i guess i just don't understand people anymore, I guess i might be more mature than most of the people at my age. That sucks :(

Sadly, this highlight thread brings to the front an issue that most people refuse to address which is the misconceptions and myths regarding mental health.

There was a survey done a few years ago which told a disturbing trend which was that generally the american population viewed seeking help from a therapist was only for crazy people and, as a result of this ignorant and misguided belief, millions of people are left to suffer needlessly.

They consider it, like this guy here, unnecessary and would rather take drastic measures that are not required, rather than seek help because it would mean they are crazy when all it is going on is that is that they need to learn to cope with life differently and therapists are the ones with the tools necessary to address these issues.

I, personally, had a mother who suffered from severe clinical depression which ended up costing her life because well, you guessed, she stopped therapy and thought she could get through it alone, she no longer wanted to be thought as crazy. These are the kinds of stigmas that damage good people for life, specially those vulnerable to societal pressures.

What does this have to do with celibacy and abstinence, you ask? Same principle applies here, some many myths and erroneous information gets thrown around these lifestyles that leave people like this young man to seek drastic measures under the mistaken belief that marriage (or finding a mate) is the only way to be happy and that sex is the most important thing in life.

Those very myths are damaging because it leaves us towards unneeded suffering and some of us fall into a needless depression because we think we have failed but we have not.

There is no law that demands we have sex before we are ready, there is no law that says we must be married and have children or else. There is however a spiritual principal that all of us should follow which is to love our neighbor as ourselves. That means that we must love ourselves first before we love another.

Why, you ask? It is quite simple, because if we love ourselves then we are more able to cope with life's unexpected let downs since we would not be so hard on ourselves and set up expectations we cannot possibly meet, and we are then able to live our lives more peacefully, regardless of what is been said about us by others who demand we conform or else.

To be sure, not all of us are meant to be paired up, some of us with that kind of self awareness know better than to seek companionship because it would mean hell on Earth for us and our companions, so the compassionate thing to do is to live alone and be the best we can be and we can live happily.

I have often joked by saying that I am great friend but a lousy boyfriend, not because I'd cheat or do the usual tricks but because I do not like my freedom being curtailed, having to call someone to say when I'll be home as I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way.

Yet, when I say that, those who have bought the romance hype look at me like I hit the Pope with my left fist knocking him down. My father was one man that should have never married yet he felt he had to, marrying at 32 , at time where men married very young, and what happened? He drove one woman to suicide (my mother), another to be hooked on Valium for two decades and another take him to the cleaners. Yet his is not an isolated case, to say the least.

So this is where I coming from when I say that society actually helps no one when they insist on practices that ought to be optional but not mandatory.

So it is up to us, to defy these rules when we feel it is not for us, and we should be able to rethink those beliefs that end up hurting us rather than helping us.

Seek professional help when we need because as i have often said, it is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves. Beliefs that do not serve us should be eliminated and replaced with life affirming beliefs that serve us and allows to thrive.

Getting off my tiny pony,
Wolf

i dont really like being an example, in your post, but you make good point, life is your own and you decide how to live it, but if we can be capable of being alone till we die, why are we still here, as humans, acording to you, Life is optional for anyone.

DI,

Twisting my words again, I see. So, to be clear, life is NOT optional, things that you do in your life: marriage, career, etc ARE optional.

I do know if you were told this in your life but life is a gift, and it should not be squandered or returned just because things may or may not work out. It is a most selfish way of looking at life.

I know this because I felt like you but I had to realize I was given this gift and I am going to make the best of it, no matter what.

Then again, my life is not about whether I find someone or not, it is about helping as many as I can and live the best life I can without regrets. Trust me, not having a wife is not something I'll ever regret.

As I said, stop twisting my words to justify your present stance on things. And, by the way, I was not using you, personally, as an example. I was using your situation as an example of how society tends to harm more than help its inhabitants. Big difference, I did not even name you if you noticed.

So please get the help you need.

Wolf

its hard not to show that you were using me as an example when i started the thread, and you seem to just want to be right about everything, if life is a gift, i can CHOOSE to NOT ACCEPT IT, i was feeling better before you posted this shit but, hey you want to clear things up then go ahead, this thread is dead and i do not need help, You may say i am crazy, but i am not, life sucks i know but i can get through with it, but at some time in my life i came to a point where i just saw the same stuff happening over and over again, well life is a gift even if its a crappy one, however no one has to accept it, and i am not twisting your words, i am putting my opinion on it, and you type like you want to be right all the time, well you know what i dont care anymore, your advice is not helping me at all. so take care

Guess it depends on how important sex actually is to both of you as a married couple. Sexual compatibility was a HUGE issue in my previous marriage. I have a very healthy relationship now with my current husband. I think it is very important to know if you share the same sexual appetite, etc. before marriage, but I also do not subscribe to any religion.

I have to tell you, from a woman's perspective, that I tried it the worlds way first, and then became a Christian later in life, and waited until my wedding night to have sex with my husband. It was the best sex I had ever had (I hate to admit I had had a lot of partners before I became a Christian). There was no comparison. The one partner, out of hundreds, that I waited for was by far the best.
With God all things are possible.
Blessings

It depends on woman that you find. My husband was impotent before marriage in general. First woman he tried have sex with reacted wildly on it. As I had strong nerves system we worked on it and had mediocre to bad sexualy marriage. Though we did have sex almoust every day after he was able to do it. But we had good marriage in terms of closeness, friendship, understanding,quality time together.

I heard or ead somewhere some psychologist's opinion that woman in a lot of cases will live with sexualy weak man if he has good personality. There is not point in sex if the husband is obusive (personaly for me) but for some women it is part of the experience. So again it all depends on the particular woman (person) you find. It is impossible to say that one person is worse than other for some reason or one way of thinking is wrong and another is right. There are as many opinions as people in the world.Different people like different things. If all the people liked the same thing there are would not be people left because they would fight till death to get the same thing.