Abstinence & Celibacy Support Group
The pressures of sex from peers, the media and culture can be overwhelming, but you are in total control of your body and celibacy is a choice that many are making. Find sanctuary with people who are choosing to abstain without fear of judgment.
New here... My name is Anastasia, I'm 21... Between the ages of 12-14, I was raped and molested by multiple men. I never truly focused on this in therapy, I always tried to avoid this topic, even now, in fear the flashback would return. The men use to tell me all I am good for is my body, that no man will ever love me. That stuck in my head for a very long time. After I was raped, for two years, I dressed like a guy, baggy clothes, no make up, my hair was a mess, barely showered cause I couldn't stand looking at my body, wouldn't wear my contacts just my big glasses, I wouldn't even shave. Any attention scared me. But then after I was raped the third time... I begged for the two men to kill me... I didn't want to live with another horrible memory.. What those men said, I believed it. All I was good for was probably was just sex... I then became very sexually active.. Which with rape survivors, is actually normal. Especially believing that is all your good for... I'm not proud of the amount of men I have slept with, With having Bipolar Disorder playing a part in it as well, I have two times when I was very manic, both time lasted a year, doing very risky things. Along with sex I was drinking and doing drugs. I am 3 years clean and sober. But along with that, I want to hold off from having sex. Over the years, it seemed to turn into the only way I knew to keep a "guy", though all the boyfriends I have had till recently have been mentally abusive. Sex started becoming a chore with boyfriends. A close friend told me to stop having sex, not forever, but for a long time till I find myself. And I agree with that. I believe me not having sex till it actually means something will prevent many many heartaches. I know deep down I am worth more, its just hard to believe it sometimes. It's going to be hard, especially since I am still trying to get on the right medication with bipolar disorder, and either Manic or Depressive, I always "Think" sex will solve it. Changes start now. I hope I can find support... I hope I will not be judged...
I found my self worth improving as my time of celibacy went on. Hang in there!!!
I must say, only a blithering idiot would dare to judge you.
None of what happened is in any way your fault.
My best friend's daughter also suffers from BPD. She received years of therapy (most probably CBT) and knows not to stop taking her meds (it took awhile for her to "get it" that this is for life).
In time, you will hit on the right meds, at the right dose, alone or in combination. You just need to be persistent. A prescription of CBT probably wouldn't go amiss either.
Once you are feeling stronger you will be better able to sort out the good apples from the bad ones, boyfriend wise.
Good luck and best wishes for your future.