aa Spoken Here Community Group
Fellowship Where you can share your thoughts, feelings, stories and get support to gain and continue sobriety.
I have a sponsee who has been in the fellowship for several years. I have sponsored her for about a year, prior to that my sponsor was her sponsor and prior to that she had several other sponsors. The longest she has been sober for is about 6months. When she drinks she always gets into trouble with the police and has been in prison several times. She went on a binge recently and has been in a mental hospital since.
She is a compulsive liar and very manipulative. She has lied to me and tried to manipulate me many times. i have stuck by her because people stuck by me when I was a complete mess and because I know that because of her reputation she will find it very difficult to get another sponsor in our local meetings. But I have got to the point that I am so suspicious and cynical about everything she says that even if she told me the absolute truth I probably wouldnt believe it. She periodically sends me texts saying she doesnt want me to sponsor her anymore and that I should forget about her etc - then a few hours later she changes her mind, apologises and begs me not to give up on her. She did this two weeks ago and i told her this is the last time. But she did it again this weekend and is now begging me to accept her apologies.
I am on a day program at the local mental health unit where she is on the ward. She will be joining a program at the day hospital shortly (though she will be on a short term program whereas I am on a long term one).
I am really struggling to find the spiritual course of action in this. One the one hand I feel I should stop sponsoring her due to the fact that I no longer believe anything she says and my reactions to everything are so cynical, she shows no inclination to do the steps right now, I will be at the same day hospital as her, feel I am being adversely affected by all the manipulation etc. On the other hand I feel that i should not give up on someone who is in a mental hospital and is struggling with sobriety and life. I have worked with some pretty challenging sponsees and I dont give up with people easily but I am really struggling here.
I want to do the best thing for her and for me but I cant quite see or feel what that is.
Anyone have any feedback on this please? Sorry it was so long.
Thanks.
She is a compulsive liar and very manipulative. She has lied to me and tried to manipulate me many times. i have stuck by her because people stuck by me when I was a complete mess and because I know that because of her reputation she will find it very difficult to get another sponsor in our local meetings. But I have got to the point that I am so suspicious and cynical about everything she says that even if she told me the absolute truth I probably wouldnt believe it. She periodically sends me texts saying she doesnt want me to sponsor her anymore and that I should forget about her etc - then a few hours later she changes her mind, apologises and begs me not to give up on her. She did this two weeks ago and i told her this is the last time. But she did it again this weekend and is now begging me to accept her apologies.
I am on a day program at the local mental health unit where she is on the ward. She will be joining a program at the day hospital shortly (though she will be on a short term program whereas I am on a long term one).
I am really struggling to find the spiritual course of action in this. One the one hand I feel I should stop sponsoring her due to the fact that I no longer believe anything she says and my reactions to everything are so cynical, she shows no inclination to do the steps right now, I will be at the same day hospital as her, feel I am being adversely affected by all the manipulation etc. On the other hand I feel that i should not give up on someone who is in a mental hospital and is struggling with sobriety and life. I have worked with some pretty challenging sponsees and I dont give up with people easily but I am really struggling here.
I want to do the best thing for her and for me but I cant quite see or feel what that is.
Anyone have any feedback on this please? Sorry it was so long.
Thanks.
I am pretty tolerant of mental illness as I suffer from some myself and know how difficult it can be to integrate sobriety and dealing with mental illness so I am hoping that my questioning isnt some unconscious reaction to her being in hospital.
drafter, maybe you are right, I suspect that I know what course of action i want to take but worry that I will be judged for it. Maybe I need to loook more at myself on this.
Thanks for your replies guys :)
when I work with a woman that effects me in a way that hampers both our sobriety, I am obligated (for her AND for me) to let her go. There are plenty of other women who want our solution. Let her go and maybe, eventually, she'll make it back to the rooms when she really is ready to begin recovering. She's made it clear that she ain't there yet.
That's my two cents, lol.
This may be an excellent opportunity for you to grow spiritually. All spiritual growth is the result of struggle followed by surrender. Struggle as much as you can to help her, BUT, surrender the results
(detach from the outcome).
Wow, good luck!
I also suffer from mental illness and although she has not been diagnosed with one, it doesn't mean she doesn't habe one - mis-diagnoses are made everyday - happened to me. And it may be making sponsoring her impossible. You don't need to be a sacrifice to her illnesses.
Also there is the concept that this is a "selfish program", we must protect ourselves above all else, and definitely above and beyond people who are unwilling or uncapable of doing what they need to do for themselves. I think this woman is sucking you dry. I think you have answered a lot of your own questions in yourt post. Bail Bail Bail. See page 96 of the BB re helping others.
Treat this sponsee like a newcomer who may say they want the program but will not do the work, let her know that you can be there for her when she wants to discuss recovery.
Sponsoring and passing the message on is for you to stay sober. If the person won't give you the chance to do your Step 12 then move on to someone who will.
When you practice Step 12 you may have to leave people in your wake. Some hang on for the ride, some let go and fall away.
I found myself trying to help someone similar in nature for about a year. She kept going through sponsors, kept drinking etc. She would cry wolf, I would go round, read the BB, pass on my ESH and she would blatantly lie and in the end, I had to tell her no more. I told her I had met her in AA and that is where I could help her.
That was in June...she now has 5 months dry. I know she wants to 'show me' and I hope that she will take the program on board. Unfortunately, that time is not yet as she will not face the steps.
The good thing, I had not realised how one track I had become in meetings. I was always speaking to this lady and not the newcomers/oldtimers. When the relationship with this lady was questioned, a whole new group of people opened up to me in AA...I had become very narrow.
At the time, I felt devasted about how I perceived I treated her. I did pray on it and my HP gave me the strength to do what was needed at the time. I did an amends about a month after and slowly we are talking again (she still holds resentment).
How has this woman got on with the steps? After all, we are there to show and to pass on, not to hold hands. Tough love? Yep sometimes that is all that works.
I am with Drafter, I think you know the answer which is why you have posted this here. I know you well enough to know you do nothing half heartedly. Maybe this is one of those times where you really do need to 'let go, let HP'.
Peace to you.
What crossed my mind as I was reading it is that some are truly incabable of being honest with themselves. Seems that's the case here. I know I've encounterd extreme manipulation and have had to walk away from it for a time until I was better equipped to handle it. Screwed with my peace of mind. Now I can listen and take it for what it is. It's their problem that they cannot be honest, not mine. If they think they're getting over, they aren't. Not my job to call them on it, either.
By the way, I miss you. :-)
xx