An Alphabet Zoo

A was an apt Alligator,
Who wanted to be a head-waiter;
He said, "I opine
In that field I could shine,
Because I am such a good skater."

B was a beggarly Bear,
Who carefully curled his front hair;
He said, "I would buy
A red-spotted tie,--
But I haven't a penny to spare."

C was a cool Chimpanzee,
Who went to an afternoon tea.
When they said, "Will you take
A caraway cake?"
He greedily took twenty-three!

D was a diligent Doe,
In summer she shoveled the snow;
In the spring and the fall
She did nothing at all,
And in winter the grass she would mow.

E was an erudite Ermine,
Who tried very hard to determine
If he _should_ earn a cent,
How it ought to be spent,
And decided to purchase a sermon.

F was a fussy Flamingo,
Who remarked to his family, "By jingo!
I think I would go
To that animal show,
But they all talk such barbarous lingo."

G was a giddy Gazelle,
Who never could learn how to spell;
But she managed to pass
To the head of her class,
Because she did fractions so well.

H was a haughty young Hawk,
Who affected society talk;
But when introduced
At a large chicken roost
He excitedly screamed out, "Oh, Lawk!"

I was an idle Iguana,
Who lived upon curried banana;
With tears he'd protest
That he never could rest
Till he learned to sing "Eileen Alanna."

J was a jimp Jaguar,
Who purchased a Spanish guitar;
He played popular airs
At _fetes_ and at fairs,
And down at the Fancy Bazaar.

K was a kind Kangaroo,
Whose bonnet was always askew;
So they asked her to wait
While they put it on straight
And fastened it firmly with glue.

L was a lachrymose Leopard,
Who ate up twelve sheep and a shepherd,
But the real reason why
He continued to cry
Was his food was so lavishly peppered.

M was a mischievous Marten,
Who went to the Free Kindergarten;
When they asked him to plat
A gay-colored mat,
He tackled the job like a Spartan.

N was a naughty Nylghau,
Who wandered too near a buzz saw.
It cut off his toes,
And the shrieks that arose
Filled all of the neighbors with awe.

O was an ossified Oyster,
Who decided to enter a cloister.
He could not return,
So continued to yearn
For his home in the sea, which was moister.

P was a poor old Poll Parrot,
Who had nothing to eat but a carrot,
And nothing to wear
But a wig of red hair,
And nowhere to live but a garret.

Q was a querulous Quab
Who at every trifle would sob;
He said, "I detest
To wear a plaid vest,
And I hate to eat corn from the cob!"

R was a rollicking Ram,
Attired in an old pillow sham.
When asked if he'd call
At the masquerade ball,
He said, "I'll go just as I am."

S was a shy Salamander,
Who slept on a sunny veranda.
She calmly reposed,
But, alas! while she dozed
They caught her and killed her and canned her.

T was a tidy young Tapir,
Who went out to bring in the paper;
And when he came back
He made no muddy track,
For he wiped his feet clean on the scraper.

U was a young Unicorn,
The bravest that ever was born.
They bought him a boat
And they set him afloat,
And straightway he sailed for Cape Horn.

V was a vigorous Vulture,
Who taught animals physical culture;
When a pupil dropped dead,
The kind teacher said,
"You needn't consider sepulture."

W was a wild Worm,
All day he did nothing but squirm.
They sent him to school,
But he broke every rule,
And left at the end of the term.

X was a Xiphias brave,
Who lived on the crest of the wave.
To each fish he would say,
"Good day, sir, good day!"
And then a polite bow he gave.

Y was a young Yellowhammer,
Who raised a ridiculous clamor;
And he chattered until
An owl said, "Keep still!
I'm trying to study my grammar."

Z was a zealous old Zibet,
Toboggans he tried to prohibit.
If anyone tried
To take a sly slide,
He ordered him hanged on a gibbet.

-Carolyn Wells

Poetry Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/7399072

Ken: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face-to-face with a tiger?
Dave: No - what happened?
Ken: I did not have a gun. I just stood there. The tiger crept closer...and closer...
Dave: Well, what did you do?
Ken: I just moved on to the next cage.

Ken: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face-to-face with a tiger?
Dave: No - what happened?
Ken: I did not have a gun. I just stood there. The tiger crept closer...and closer...
Dave: Well, what did you do?
Ken: I just moved on to the next cage.

Who is the craziest animal at the zoo?
The bi-polar bear.

Mental Health And Psychiatry Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/8085291

The Spangled Pandemonium

The spangled pandemonium
Is missing from the zoo.
He bent the bars the barest bit,
And slithered glibly through.

He crawled across the moated wall,
He climbed the mango tree,
And when the keeper scrambled up,
He nipped him in the knee.

To all of you, a warning
Not to wander after dark,
Or if you must, make very sure
You stay out of the park.

For the spangled pandemonium
Is missing from the zoo,
And since he nipped his keeper,
He would just as soon nip you!

-Palmer Brown

Monsters And Other Fictional Folks
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/3037004

Life's A Zoo!

"Look at that one - the one staring at us through the bars. Doesn't he look intelligent?" "Yes. There's something uncanny about it." "He looks as if he understood every word we're saying." "Walks on his hind legs, too, and swings his arms." "There! He's got a peanut. Let's see what he does with it." "Well, what do you know about that! He knows enough to take off the shell before he eats it, like we do." "That's a female alongside of him. Listen to her chatter at him. He doesn't seem to be paying much attention to her, though." "She must be his mate." "The look kind of sad, don't they?" "Yes. I guess they wish they were in here with us monkeys."

Monkey Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/6109557

A man need a job. He heard that they were looking for help at the zoo, so he went there and applied for a job. On his first day at work, his boss handed a gorilla suit to him and said, "The gorilla is out sick today, so we'll need you to fill in for him." The fellow thought this odd, but he really badly needed the job, so he said, "Sure," put the gorilla suit on, went into the cage, and proceeded to monkey around. After a while, he got the hang of things and found it enjoyable, but while swinging on a tire, he lost his grip, went flying through the bars, and landed in the lion's cage. He took one look at the huge fierce lion and thought to himself that the job was not all that important compared to his life, so he started yelling, Help me, help me!" to the zoo visitors. Hearing his cries, the lion trotted over to him. Terrified, the man in the gorilla suit covered his face with his arms, when, startled, he hears the man in the lion suit whisper insistently, "Be quiet, or you'll get us both fired!"

Work Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/7824279