Please share some holiday cheer with us by adding a joke, short story, one-liner, riddle, tongue-twister, or other humorous thoughts.

A really quiet armed crusader is a 'silent knight.'

After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia

When is a boat like a pile of snow?
When it's adrift.

The Three Stages of Man

1. He believes in Santa Claus

2. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus

3. He is Santa Claus

What does Santa Claus call reindeer that won't fly?
Dinner.

I don't have any, but I enjoyed these, thanks :)

How To Tell If You're a Grinch...

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.

What Christmas carol is a parent's favorite?

Silent night

What do you get when ou cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho ho ho

What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?

I'll have a boo Christmas without you.


Why does Santa's little helper have depression?

Because he has low elf-esteem

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to 'Elves',
'Vertically Challenged' they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer,
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replace with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
Because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the cops
When they heard sled noises upon their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
And his fur trimmed red suit was called, 'quite unenlightened.'

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding that from now on her title was 'Ms.'

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
That making a choice would cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her;
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys;
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
But you just have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
Everyone everywhere, even you!
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth:
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth!"

Have you heard about the department store that had two Santas? One was an express Santa for children who wanted nine toys or less.

Fun Fact: The word 'Christmas' is a contraction of the two words 'Christ Mass'.

To: All Employees
From: Management

Re: Office Conduct During This Christmas Season

Effective immediately, employees must adhere to the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Council):

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing 'Jingle Bells' on the telephone keypad is forbidden because it rings up an incredibly high long-distance bill.

3. Work requests are not to be filed under 'Bah, humbug!'

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the snow and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25th.

6. The staff is required to have a 'Merry Christmas' whether they wish to be jolly or not.