A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
A bit of back ground, my older sister is eight years older then me. She was born out of wedlock to a man who wanted nothing to do with her, then our mother met and married my father and I was the first child out of that union. My sister blamed me for alot of things growing up. Claiming our dad loved her until I came along, saying it was my fault she was always angry, it was my fault that she couldn't have friends over since I was such a loser etc etc etc. It escalated to worse things then just being called names. She knocked out my front teeth by smashing my face into the side of the stove when I was six. She used to lock me in a little closet for hours. She would take my favorite toys, tie me to a chair, and break them in front of me. Our father died when I was seven, my sister was fifteen and pregnant with her first child. Our mom went to work all the time and we were left alone alot. It got really bad until her first child was born, then it was just verbal....never again physical.
Now, as I grew older my sister was diagnosed with bipolar. She was medicated but eventually started self medicating and became a drug addict. She was charged with traffiking and sent to jail. While she was in jail her therapist suggested she try to contact me since I was the only sibling to cut her off during her use. I refused phone calls and agreed to letters so we started writing letters.
In one of her letters she told me her therapist said that if she said sorry, just once, and I still held on to all the hurt and the anger then it's my problem, not hers. That one...little...sorry on a bit of paper written in prison should make me let go of everything. Well it didn't stop the nightmares, and it didn't make the scars from when she stuck my hand on a lit cigarette three times go away, and it didn't make me suddenly trust her around my own daughter.
And EVERYONE agrees with my sister! They say that if I still have any ill will about what happened as a child that it's all my fault. Are they right? Because she apologized should I just let it all go? How do I let it all go? When I see her she acts like nothing is off between us, that we are these great sisters with this great bond. And we aren't.
I just don't get where I'm meant to go from here?
Now, as I grew older my sister was diagnosed with bipolar. She was medicated but eventually started self medicating and became a drug addict. She was charged with traffiking and sent to jail. While she was in jail her therapist suggested she try to contact me since I was the only sibling to cut her off during her use. I refused phone calls and agreed to letters so we started writing letters.
In one of her letters she told me her therapist said that if she said sorry, just once, and I still held on to all the hurt and the anger then it's my problem, not hers. That one...little...sorry on a bit of paper written in prison should make me let go of everything. Well it didn't stop the nightmares, and it didn't make the scars from when she stuck my hand on a lit cigarette three times go away, and it didn't make me suddenly trust her around my own daughter.
And EVERYONE agrees with my sister! They say that if I still have any ill will about what happened as a child that it's all my fault. Are they right? Because she apologized should I just let it all go? How do I let it all go? When I see her she acts like nothing is off between us, that we are these great sisters with this great bond. And we aren't.
I just don't get where I'm meant to go from here?
If one day you decide that you are either ready or willing to patch things up with your sister, then by all means go ahead. But that has to come from you.
I as a survivor of abuse have felt further abused by other people's opinion of what I should do about people I decided to keep away from my life. I learn to keep people at bay and at most thank them for their opinion and refuse to get involved in any further discussion.
many people in recovery want to make amends, and some people are very sincere. But that intention of them doesn't mean that the entire world is ready to accept or even believe their intentions.
Trust your instinct, your own pace and your own feelings. Everything else is just one too many opinions.
She doesn't bully me anymore, well no, that's not really true, she does make remarks about my weight and that I started my own business because I'm not smart enough to work elsewhere, but I don't let it get to me anymore. Now I just see a sad, bitter woman instead of the monster of my childhood.
I just hate everyone telling to let it go when none of them know what I'm holding on to. I saw a shrink once, and she said the same thing and I never went back. I've never really talked about it all since no one in my family wants to hear the nitty gritty details, just the shiny forgivness and the convenient forgetting.
I don't have time to retype the whole thing, but here are some bullet points:
NO ONE gets to determine your relationship with your sister but you and your sister. Not her therapist, your therapist, your family, no one. It's between you and her. And if you're not ready, that's okay. If you're never ready, that's okay, too.
Judging solely from the words you posted here, it seems like your sister is still not ready to be in a relationship with you. She doesn't respect you or your feelings. She's taking an opinion from someone else, possibly twisting it, and insisting you follow suit. If I were you, I'd refuse. If she's really ready, she'll really apologize and acknowledge she hurt you, and ask what you need from her. But the way she's manipulating the situation is unfair.
Our society has a REAL problem with seeing women as abusers. My mother was an abuser of mine and it took 15 years before anyone would acknowledge that. People want to see women as nurturing and loving. But it's not always true! Some are nasty, vicious and abusive. Even if no one else ever sees that side of her, your experiences with her are still valid. You don't need anyone's approval to keep your distance from someone who has chosen to be abusive.
If you do decide to reconcile with her, you still maintain your rights. You never have to be alone with her. You never have to leave your kids with her. Etc. YOU get to choose the rules, even if you forgive her. Forgiving doesn't mean giving up rights or allowing the other person to take control. You can set boundaries she has to respect and if she doesn't - well, you can choose to walk away.
You survived and IT'S OVER! You're in charge now. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
I wonder if you're having a difficult time forgiving because you haven't spoken to her about all of the things you recall her doing to you from childhood? You cut her off when she was using - was the past abuse mentioned then? She may be sorry but did she say for what?
I'd have a hard time accepting that too if I wasn't sure that she first acknowledged her actions. Without acknowledgement, the sorry is meaningless. People often think that forgiveness is mandatory. They get this from twisted religious ideas when in fact the Bible says to Rebuke a sinner and IF he repents, then forgive him. Rebuke means to criticize sharply. Perhaps you should write her a letter with all of these memories of abuse letting her know how much they still affect you. If she's truly sorry, she'll tell you.
"Im sorry for all the things I did to you, real and imagined. My therapist said that now that I have made amends any left over hurt and anger is your issue alone...Im in the clear."
She denies doing anything more than the usual sibling stuff. And since our littlest sister didnt bear her fury my older sister uses her to back up her point. Im not sure why Chantelle never got my sisters abuse but Im thankful. It doesnt mean what we had was normal either. I cant get her to admit to herself what she did was wrong, let alone to me.
1) Sorry for things "real and imagined"? That is her blowing off responsibility. It's essentially saying, "I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way." That is NOT apologizing. Apologizing is something along the lines of, "I know I did things to you that were wrong and hurtful. I am sorry. I realize you may not be in a place to have a relationship with me, but I want to try again if and when you're ready." THAT is acknowledging her actions, their effects, and respecting your boundaries.
2) "Making amends" is not pretending to take responsibility. "Making amends" is actually accepting responsibility for what she did. It is true that she cannot be responsible for your feelings. And if you are not ready to have a relationship, that is something you need to take responsibility for. BUT she doesn't get to "play" at making up and then expect you to make up for real. She needs to respect YOU, which she is not doing. She is still blaming you by saying things like, "real or imagined."
3) "I am in the clear." ARE YOU SERIOUS?? She will never be "in the clear." She was abusive to you. She has to live with that for the rest of her life. And what is she referring to anyway? In the clear of what? Her own conscious? The law? Your feelings?
4) She uses your little sister to back up her point? She knows full well that's BS. I would consider calling her on it. You could say something like, "Look. You know as well as I do that the relationship you and I had was NOTHING like the one you had with Chantelle. So you cannot compare your relationship with her to your relationship with me."
I still think she's being unfair and manipulative, and you don't need toxic people like that in your life. Whatever her problem is - it's not you. It's something inside of her, and she's using you as an excuse. That's just my two cents from a few paragraphs of text. But I've had people like that in my life, and I choose to keep them out. It's not easy, especially when it's family, but it's often too hard for them to change. They have too much at stake to really admit what they've done. Denial is powerful, and often abusers live in such a heavy cloud of it, they can't see themselves from someone else's' perspective.
Hope you find some peace and resolution.
Now, please hear me. Remember that recovery is a process. She may not be able to see it yet, and in the spirit of maybe start some healing, let's not confuse setting boundaries with "right to be nasty". It's obvious that if things are the way you have heard, she still has a long way to go. I think it's best to not start any dialog if you feel it may not be the right time for any of you. If you're still hurting, it's best for you to continue taking care of yourself. If she's still in denial, unable to recognize or unwilling to accept responsibility, wherever her condescending message comes from, it's obvious that she's still in the very early stages of learning about recovery and healthier living.
It might be better to limit the communication, especially if there are third parties giving opinions and applying pressure. Your well being matters and sometimes walking away and refusing to engage, as well as waiting, could be better. We don't always have to provide a response. it's OK to choose not to deal with a particular issue at any given moment and wait until you're ready.
I agree with what everyone said. That letter is no apology, and you need to understand that. It's a blatant attempt to play the guilt card with you...someone who has nothing to be guilty about. There is nothing "on you", that's complete garbage. Don't be fooled as I was by my family.
I remember my dad asking for my forgiveness. Of course he would not say for what, he wanted a blanket "get out of jail free" card from me without the indignity of admitting he did anything wrong.
We are all responsible for our deeds and the effect they have on others. Having someone "forgive" you does not wipe all that off the blackboard of your life. Your sister needs to come to terms with the error of her ways and deal with it. That has nothing to do with you....she's just looking for a free pass to get out of detention at school. Life is not school, it's the real thing. No one can undo the wrong things they've done in their life...or the lasting effects they have on others.
Doesn't sound to me like she's trying to make amends...sounds more like she's trying to find a way to wriggle out of things...talk her way out of a jam. What sort of apology tries to lay blame on the victim? You didn't imagine anything, I'm sure.
Her therapist unfortunatley was jail appointed. Since she has gotten out of prison she has not seen anyone. She saw her parole officer until she was off parole and now she sees an AADAC worker.
I don't think she will ever admit to it, not in her whole life has she ever taken full responsibilities for her actions. And at this point I don't think an apology would do much for me.
I appreciate all of your input guys, thanks.
I'm really really angry at the moment, so if this comes out all garbled I apologize.
I mentioned originally that my sister was a drug addict. She has had some relapses, but no permenant set backs....with crack. However, she has replaced reality with alcohol. And when she can afford it, or steal enough money to afford it, she drinks herself stupid. Fall down, slurred words, stupid.
So the other day she shows up at a bar I'm at with my friend. We are there just to have a drink and dance. She is there because it's a stop in her bar run, and she can get a few drinks before they realize how drunk she is and kick her out. She's falling all over herself, sloshing her drink, and hanging off strangers.
Of course, the feeling that I'm somehow responsible for her kicks in and I take her outside to get some air and away from people. I KNOW she's not my responsibility, but for some reason I can't escape the feeling anyways.
Outside she is rambling to herself, out loud, but really only to herself. Like she forgot I was there. And she's slumped over, smoke hanging from her lips, mumbling.....so I listened. What else was I supposed to do? And she's popping off about how I need a smack, I'm too mouthy, someone needs to take me out because I'm all high and mighty, I don't deserve the things I have in life, she never should of stopped teaching me who's the boss. I say 'what are you talking about?' and she tried to hit me!!
She was so drunk she missed by a mile, but that's the first time since I was 15 she has tried to be physically violent with me. She failed before as well, and left a hole in my door, but this was startling. I'm 26. So she's sitting there, basically admitting to abusing me as a child, drunk out of her tree, then she tries to attack me.
I left her sitting there. All alone. And I felt terrible. What if something bad happened?
So I went to talk to her the next day, and I asked her about what she had said and she called me a lying bitch, she said she never swung at me, and that I just want her to go back to jail so I'm going to make stuff up. Then she informed me that I really didn't deserve what I had in life, and that I had a perfect childhood that led to a perfect adulthood (yuhuh, my life is SOOOO perfect). She says she never said anything, and I'll never get more of an apology then what I've already gotten. Ecspecially not for things I made up.
I was so angry! I left her lying in bed, hung over, but I seriously felt like leaving her with a black eye. Thankfully, I have a pretty good grip on my anger. I feel like I did as a little kid, like she's stolen more of my soul and refused to admit it. Like she's back to hiding all the things she did to me again. I'm half convinced she's going to show up at my house to beat me up! And then she will tell our mother I fell on a curb, that's where the bruises came from.
Ugh. I haven't talked to her since all this occured. She text, acting like nothing happened, to ask if she could see my daughter. I didn't reply