Zombie

Ever feel like an emotional zombie?  Just dead and or dying inside?  It's like you are there, you can see things happening around you.  You know in your head that you should be feeling something- but no emotions surface.  I hear people talking, are they talking to me?  I can discern words but can I?  The onlookers see me and they want me to snap out of it.  As if it's a joke or something I can control.  When in fact the more I try to control it- the worse I feel.  It's just total apathy.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  As far back as I can remember I have been logging my depression symptoms.  It seems as if depression is always there- its just a matter of how high.  And there's always fear.  What a life- bouncing back and forth between depression and anxiety and panic.  It's no fun.  Hey onlookers- if I had a magic button to get better- I would have pushed it.  Therapy?  Sure talk therapy for 20 years- helps when I get to my low lows.  But never fixes the problem- never makes the negative feelings go away for good.  Different therapists- of course!  I am no amateur her.  Medication- been there- I can honestly say I have never taken a depression medication that had any noticeable positive effect on my daily moods.  I have taken meds for panic attacks- those do help tempter the panic.  I wish I never had that first panic attack.  I wish I was normal and didn't obsess about everything.  I wish I had a healthy mind with healthy thoughts.  I envy those people who do.  I am a shell of a person.  So empty inside.  Breathe in breathe out..... I see you, I hear you but I can't feel you.  My own false beliefs are so grand, so loud, so over powering- it doesn't seem like it'll ever change.