Yucky Feeling
Day 52 of 365 - Man Break
Now that I don’t spend endless hours obsessing about the latest man there seems to be a lot of time on my hands and it makes me pretty antsy. I have TONS to do and TONS I want to accomplish but every time the weekend rolls around I seem to walk around aimlessly not sure where to start and not very enthusiastic about anything. I spent a lot of time with my kids and that was great but I still felt really lost. I need a focus I think. Something to look forward to. Something to get excited about. I am in a very precarious place right now because every time I stopped dating for a little while this is the time I start to feel the void and a little empty and then I fall easily into the next creep’s arms. I am totally determined not to do that again and I am encouraged that I recognize this pattern of mine but I always get stuck at this point in my recovery. It’s almost like I’m at the verge of finding out who I really am and a part of me doesn’t really want to know.
I also have a hard time with healing. This is the time I should do some healing yet because all the drama of the past seems a little distant right now I think I’m perfectly fine yet one trigger reminds me that I am not. How do I get past the hurts that were inflicted upon me? I really believe this is why I get to a point and then stop. Any thoughts about how others have healed would be welcome:)
Now that I don’t spend endless hours obsessing about the latest man there seems to be a lot of time on my hands and it makes me pretty antsy. I have TONS to do and TONS I want to accomplish but every time the weekend rolls around I seem to walk around aimlessly not sure where to start and not very enthusiastic about anything. I spent a lot of time with my kids and that was great but I still felt really lost. I need a focus I think. Something to look forward to. Something to get excited about. I am in a very precarious place right now because every time I stopped dating for a little while this is the time I start to feel the void and a little empty and then I fall easily into the next creep’s arms. I am totally determined not to do that again and I am encouraged that I recognize this pattern of mine but I always get stuck at this point in my recovery. It’s almost like I’m at the verge of finding out who I really am and a part of me doesn’t really want to know.
I also have a hard time with healing. This is the time I should do some healing yet because all the drama of the past seems a little distant right now I think I’m perfectly fine yet one trigger reminds me that I am not. How do I get past the hurts that were inflicted upon me? I really believe this is why I get to a point and then stop. Any thoughts about how others have healed would be welcome:)
Replies
I understand that overwhelmed feeling, and not knowing where to start. I am always behind on house chores plus I have a ton of work I am doing on my house. I\'ve spent a lot of time not even knowing where to begin. I made myself a list on my whiteboard. I have even thought of assigning myself certain chores on certain days of the week, like wash dishes on tue, do laundry wed, etc. Maybe a list or schedule would help u feel less anxious and overwhelmed?
I can\'t remember how old you are? Just know that you have had 38 (or whatever) years of trauma and drama and just a few months of waking up and getting clear about what you want in your life instead of sleep walking and going from one disasterous relationship to another one.
How could you not slip from time to time?
Thank you guys. I am trying to get more organized as AgentSmith suggests. There is so much for me to do and it does seem overwhelming at times.
You are also right Susy. I am waking up and I can\'t expect to be perfectly healed by now which is my tendency:) I just feel so lost. I don\'t even know which direction to turn anymore and I am not exactly using positive self-talk. But I believe this lostness is important. I have to wallow through to get out the other side right?
Healing seems to be hard work... healing involves conscious grieving. Grieving would be the main thing.
arat, the way it sound to me, which is mostly if not all of what I had to go through ... is that the entire man thing is part distraction so that the real feelings/isues are avoided. Only avoided in that you , like my self , do not know ... simply in the dark about it.
I had to heal from my childhood to stop the automatic pattern of getting into unhealthy relationships. They all pointed to the same theme, the central theme of childhood and self development.
You state that the lostness is important. I would attribute that to some, more or less, to the change of pattern. The fact that you are not doing what you usually do automatically means that the mind is looking to engage with the pattern and you are saying NO. with out regard to feelings the plane physical act of changing patterns can result in lost... that was my experience.
I am thinking you have a therapist. My therapist helped me during that time. He helped me create new patterns. This is incredibly important. People can not change one habit or set of patterns with out replacing it with another. This is where my therapist was really doing his job and I was really receptive to creating new patterns.
so stopping patterns means there is an empty place that the pattern used to circulate. There has to be a some kind of guide and plan to what is to be doing now. It can be several small things like a walk every day. A lot of the new patterns I got involved with were based on self care and focusing on me and my needs that I COULD SUPPLY MYSELF which took the importance off of an other person and develop the personal power of self.
\"lostness\" can also be just like a detox. No doubt that when any habit is being changed that there is the state when there is nothing there to grab hold of ... that is why it is important to have a list of some things to do instead of the old.
It helped me to have a list for the week and take on a few things every day. Just keep doing even through the lostness. I would cross off the items as I got through with them.
I\'m sorry Pageo it took me so long to thank you for all your very helpful words. I have been quite stressed lately - heart palpitations and the whole bit - and thus very distracted and haven\'t been on DS much lately. But I want you to know I always print your words and read them over and over .... you are a great help to me!