Young n dumb

so once upon a time I had what I call a hero crush on one of my cousins. Its not really a loving desire type of crush. More like an iinfatuation because he didnt make me feel like an outsider and actually spent time with me. Then the day came when we were sitting on grandmas pourch and he said he had to go she his girlfriend. For some reason I got jelious and upset but tried not to show it. It felt like I was going to be more ignored because of his relationship. Then when he got married my mind snaped. Instead of just dealing with it like a normal person would, I just wanted him to stop talking to me and hate me all together. I was a bitch to say the least. Seeing him today and the fact that he was still putting energy into being a sweetheat to me really struck home. Im protective of him and I realize that 1. I didnt like the whole thing because I wouldnt get time with him. 2. I didnt want him to be hurt. 3. I fucked up by the simple fact that he was still going to spend time with me but I refused because I was kind of hurt by it. 4. I realize that I hurt him out of my selfishness and he never knew why. So I wrote him a note because its difficult to do it in person. It wasnt a good note because now that I think of the words I said I think hes going to find it disturbing. I love the guy he took me under his freakishly long arms of his. Im just horrible with words. I just wanted him to know that I was sorry. I think he desearves an explanation of why I was being an ass but I only had a small thing of paper and it was funeral day. I gave him my number and I would like to talk to him about it so it can be put to rest but I think my note was worded really creepy. ?....... I dont know but it makes me depressed that I hurt him. Theres no way that it didnt. :(