you can\'t get here from here

' -- choose font -- '...this crap is endless. will someone just pick something, pleeease.... fuck.... i realize now that so much of my life is in a sincere belief that mayberry RFD exists. that fantasy islands existed, that gilligan's island existed, the brady bunch lived in a house just like on TV.... like suspended in illusion of worlds that don't exists. i am so lost. i pull 'geographicals'. on one now in a paradise place but my mind swings in and out a pleasure like a pendulum. drink...eat...forget. then it smashes back into my head in such a feeling of terror, of hopelessness. i am not well read and even worse written. i am a spaceman who just accidentely cut lose from the space module and am floating hopelessly into space. well, except for the gravity thing that sucks me back into this world that i have made or just exists despite my best attempts. but i float away for now. not even feeling panic, more relief. how many xanex does that feeling equal? although i have fantasized about my 15 mins of glory all my life, i don't really want it. or maybe it already happened and i missed it. i do not want ANY glory. just death i think. the pressure is just emmense...while i float away into space.if i did not have a family i would check out. pretty clear. 'geographicals' are like heroin but it passes and you are back in hell.  if the bible is really a bunch of parables, then would my existence constitute hell? i think many BPs would say that. what did i do to deserve this, and does that mean i cannot ever get out? that this IS eternal, and the suffering will just continue? wow. that is a sucky thought.i get so scared and so alone i physically feel like i am going to vomit. spew chunks or caustic hell all over the pavement, all over onlookers, just spew hell all over the sidewalk. the horror or agression of all those around me. the thought just burns in my head. the false commpasion and pity or the violent backlash of knowing who i really am. i am afraid i will spew at any moment. perhaps a collapse is what i need. member misslindseyrea said they wrote EVERYTHING is journals. mine would catch fire, would repulse and overwhelmiingly disgust any decent person. but then what.... i don't hurt others, wait, i proabably do although...i don't mean to, i just do. i don't help others. i just can't say it. i can't believe i am who i am. i am the stone around people necks bring them down...my wife my daughter. i constantly ask for affirmation that i am overall, a good influence. but just having to ask means it is not so. but no one should care...i am just floating off into the dark matter space. i know so many people know this hell. i see it on this site. i feel it as i walk past people. those who no longer suspend their belief that this doesn't matter. then it hits them smack in the face, and they float around in space waiting... i don't mean this to be some self loathing diatribe (?) at all. it is just me. floating...down a funnel, narrowing and narrowing towards death. what a relief for me. i have cats. if i know one suffered like this i would 'put it down.' it is just cruel. it must be hell so i just wonder what i did. buddhism gives me the only hope. not all the karma and reincarnation and chakkra's. just it is a formalized, human based and mental discipline that does make some sense when i can do it. it all seems so clear to me then. but then it is gone like a cruel hoax. meds have helped the agitation so i can reach a little more clarity and understand the spaciousness that i think, I THINK, exists. that it exists, not hell. hell is just the suffering becuase have not practiced the discipline. and no one forces you. do it if you want and see for yourself. prettly compelling stuff. but if karma exists, then i did some nasty stuff in the past and i am probably not helping my cause in this life. but who knows. sometimes i am quite sure if we REALLY knew what everyone was thinking we would all board ourselves up in a room and be scare shitless, and for good reason if everyone is anything like me inside. let me get some more champagne...yes, my elixer tonight. i could go walk on the beach here in paradise but the pressure is just to great inside my head and my body is floating away. god does anyone understand??? i can't travel, or shop or chant or work my way out of this one. this trip is yet another stupid reminder that travel doesn't fix anything. i am so stupid and wasting family money to try, yet again, to run away. beleive me i have tried it all. you certainly can't drink out of it either. the truth is i don't have the guts to have a nervous breakdown. it would be too humiliating, too weak, too exposed. i don't have the inner strecngh to tell others how broken i am inside. how horrible i feel....how horribly i think sometimes.  i will sleep and see if some of the meds i have just taken (xyprexa specifically) make it mellow out to a slow burn from this inferno tonight.  man, i know people understand and can say things i just am not capable of expressing. fuck it. i just will never be that person. to be honest, like my piano, it only comes through work, and more work. so i guess i will just start writing ans see if i can produce someting of value...somehwere, sometime, but not likely....