yesterday & today
Yesterday's journal:
I can't believe that it is the ladt day of June already! This is crazy! Woke up feeling incredibly exhausted again. What is going on with me? My eyes burn and I am physically exhausted but am more than awake when it comes mentally. I woke up multiple times during the night. Still sweating profusly. I am so u ncomfortable and it takes me forever to fall back asleep, when i wakd up in the middle of the night. Also even though I am physically exhausted at night, I still don't want to go to sleep. i think that my mind is running nonstop and therefore does not want to rest. Throughout the day my mind and body are not tired- just my eyes.
Besdie that today has been wonderful! I am not owrried about next week. I got a lot accomplished and feel great! But how come I jump from a horrible day to an amazing day? Having so many worries to having none? WTF?!
Today's Journal:
This morning i had a great session with Joanna. She said that she was very pleased with how i followed through with what I believe in on Wednesday and that I was able to refocus and bring my ideas down a notch and voice them. We talked about what it is that I get out of coxing even with all the pain i put myself through. talked about if I would really truly want to train with the national team. Honestly after digging deep down I do not. Yes it would be great to have that written on a resume, but I just don't think that it is truly in my heart. I like the club I am at, it's fun! If i wanted to cox at a DI school i could of. Out of the 4 colleges I applied to, 3 of them were DI...Ithaca was the only DIII, and I got into all of them. But...I chose Ithaca because it was more quaint and it was love at first sight. So with that being said, I think it's pretty fair to say that I would rather be happy on a smaller competitive team than a gigantic one.
Next we discussed some trips in August that i have been asked to go on. Three of them in literally 3 weeks. First is Master's National Championships in Oklahoma City. I have been wanting to go so badly because it is a brand new course and looks absolutely beautiful! Today I was asked to cox. Problem is...the team leaves on Wed August 10 and comes back Mon August 15. Last year I had a horrible expereince...I popped a rib out of its socket in my back which then pinched a nerve. I was in nonstop excruciating pain and couldn't sleep for 3 days- yet I sucked it up and still coxed. Plus with last weekend and being exhausted after coxing two races, I don't know how I would be able to cox 14 races in 4 days. Eeeek. I am pretty sure that I will not go the whole time, but maybe go down Friday to cox Saturday and Sunday and then come home Sunday night. I don't know waht to do :( I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or not. Plus I don't want to let the team down, I would feel bad if I say no. AHHH. I don't know what the best decision for me is :(
The second trip involves moving my sister back down to college at GT. We would leave Thursday August 18 and come home Sunday August 21 or Monday August 22. This I do want to go on. Well, kind of. I want to go to Atlanta becuase I have never been down there and i want to see my sister's school and her apartment etc. This is her third year and I ahve yet to go down :( Whereas when I was at ithaca my sister visited me multiple times. I am such a horrible sister. So I physically really don't want to sit in a car down and back...and i'm also afraid of spending so much time with my mother and sister. But I do want to see things down there. I don't know what the fuck to do :(
The last trip is going to Indianapolis to visit family. My parents are going and invited me to go up with them. This would be Thursday August 25 until Monday August 29. Then the next day I start classes for Fall semester. No way. So this one I immediately told my parents no.
So between the first and second i would be home for 2 days and between the second and thrid I would be home two or three days. That means in 3 weeks I would have therapy probably twice. I do not think that is a good idea. AHHH i don't know what to do :( I don't want to let anyone down :(
Moving on...we then talked about how we need to take a pause on somethings, like this past wednesday. Try to really stop, reevaluate, and determine what it really is that I want to be heard. Also the fact that sometimes when I have an idea and someone doesn''t agree, I just let it go even if I truly believe in it. BUT...on the other hand sometimes I go in the opposite direction and get really emotional or pissed off and angry to the point where I am out of control. Lastly, when I do follow through with something i really believe in, I always second guess my actions. For instance, Wednesday night after I wrote what I sent Joanna in regards to me caqlling the president etc....I kept second guessing myself as to if i did the right thing or not...
It wasn't until I left Joanna's today that the anxiety of not seeing her for two weeks kicked in. While walking to my car I freaked. The tears started coming out and my heart started racing. I really don't want her to leave. I feel like I am being left for the dogs to eat. What if I cannot handle myself? What happens if I go completely out of control and my emotions go wild? I am trying to stay in the moment and look for positive things and focus on going on the cruise and having fun...but I don' thave control over my mind. It wanders and doesn't stop. I can't control it.
On a positive note I brought my babies (pisco and the little one) to my parent's house today and have been here since 3pm. Played with my babies, worked on my Microbiology Unknow Bacteria powerpoint, journaled, had dinner, etc.
Lastly, How is it that I can go from feeling skinny and amazing earlier today when I was trying on clothes at Macey's, to feeling morbidly ovest and grotesque tonight? I got two cute dresses (I need clothes that don't fall off of me!!!) for the cruise :) Don't have th emoney, but I need to revamp my closet. I literally have like 4 outfits that fit me because my mother and sister bought them over the past month for me. It sucks- but I LOVEEE the feeling of fitting into smaller clothes :) I think when I don't have control over what I eat for dinner are the nights where I feel even more disgusted with myself. Tonight we had salmon (HUGE ASS MOTHER FUCKING PIECE), orzo/quinoa/couscous salad, sauteed veggies, and wine for dinner. Of course everything has oil and/or butter in it. Also between breakfast and dinner I snacked a lot. didn't have a real lunch but I know that all of the fucking snacks I had defnitely made up for more than my lunch. Even just now i had nuts...why did I even eat them? I have NO IDEA. UGH. I am one nasty ugly motherfucker.
I can't believe that it is the ladt day of June already! This is crazy! Woke up feeling incredibly exhausted again. What is going on with me? My eyes burn and I am physically exhausted but am more than awake when it comes mentally. I woke up multiple times during the night. Still sweating profusly. I am so u ncomfortable and it takes me forever to fall back asleep, when i wakd up in the middle of the night. Also even though I am physically exhausted at night, I still don't want to go to sleep. i think that my mind is running nonstop and therefore does not want to rest. Throughout the day my mind and body are not tired- just my eyes.
Besdie that today has been wonderful! I am not owrried about next week. I got a lot accomplished and feel great! But how come I jump from a horrible day to an amazing day? Having so many worries to having none? WTF?!
Today's Journal:
This morning i had a great session with Joanna. She said that she was very pleased with how i followed through with what I believe in on Wednesday and that I was able to refocus and bring my ideas down a notch and voice them. We talked about what it is that I get out of coxing even with all the pain i put myself through. talked about if I would really truly want to train with the national team. Honestly after digging deep down I do not. Yes it would be great to have that written on a resume, but I just don't think that it is truly in my heart. I like the club I am at, it's fun! If i wanted to cox at a DI school i could of. Out of the 4 colleges I applied to, 3 of them were DI...Ithaca was the only DIII, and I got into all of them. But...I chose Ithaca because it was more quaint and it was love at first sight. So with that being said, I think it's pretty fair to say that I would rather be happy on a smaller competitive team than a gigantic one.
Next we discussed some trips in August that i have been asked to go on. Three of them in literally 3 weeks. First is Master's National Championships in Oklahoma City. I have been wanting to go so badly because it is a brand new course and looks absolutely beautiful! Today I was asked to cox. Problem is...the team leaves on Wed August 10 and comes back Mon August 15. Last year I had a horrible expereince...I popped a rib out of its socket in my back which then pinched a nerve. I was in nonstop excruciating pain and couldn't sleep for 3 days- yet I sucked it up and still coxed. Plus with last weekend and being exhausted after coxing two races, I don't know how I would be able to cox 14 races in 4 days. Eeeek. I am pretty sure that I will not go the whole time, but maybe go down Friday to cox Saturday and Sunday and then come home Sunday night. I don't know waht to do :( I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or not. Plus I don't want to let the team down, I would feel bad if I say no. AHHH. I don't know what the best decision for me is :(
The second trip involves moving my sister back down to college at GT. We would leave Thursday August 18 and come home Sunday August 21 or Monday August 22. This I do want to go on. Well, kind of. I want to go to Atlanta becuase I have never been down there and i want to see my sister's school and her apartment etc. This is her third year and I ahve yet to go down :( Whereas when I was at ithaca my sister visited me multiple times. I am such a horrible sister. So I physically really don't want to sit in a car down and back...and i'm also afraid of spending so much time with my mother and sister. But I do want to see things down there. I don't know what the fuck to do :(
The last trip is going to Indianapolis to visit family. My parents are going and invited me to go up with them. This would be Thursday August 25 until Monday August 29. Then the next day I start classes for Fall semester. No way. So this one I immediately told my parents no.
So between the first and second i would be home for 2 days and between the second and thrid I would be home two or three days. That means in 3 weeks I would have therapy probably twice. I do not think that is a good idea. AHHH i don't know what to do :( I don't want to let anyone down :(
Moving on...we then talked about how we need to take a pause on somethings, like this past wednesday. Try to really stop, reevaluate, and determine what it really is that I want to be heard. Also the fact that sometimes when I have an idea and someone doesn''t agree, I just let it go even if I truly believe in it. BUT...on the other hand sometimes I go in the opposite direction and get really emotional or pissed off and angry to the point where I am out of control. Lastly, when I do follow through with something i really believe in, I always second guess my actions. For instance, Wednesday night after I wrote what I sent Joanna in regards to me caqlling the president etc....I kept second guessing myself as to if i did the right thing or not...
It wasn't until I left Joanna's today that the anxiety of not seeing her for two weeks kicked in. While walking to my car I freaked. The tears started coming out and my heart started racing. I really don't want her to leave. I feel like I am being left for the dogs to eat. What if I cannot handle myself? What happens if I go completely out of control and my emotions go wild? I am trying to stay in the moment and look for positive things and focus on going on the cruise and having fun...but I don' thave control over my mind. It wanders and doesn't stop. I can't control it.
On a positive note I brought my babies (pisco and the little one) to my parent's house today and have been here since 3pm. Played with my babies, worked on my Microbiology Unknow Bacteria powerpoint, journaled, had dinner, etc.
Lastly, How is it that I can go from feeling skinny and amazing earlier today when I was trying on clothes at Macey's, to feeling morbidly ovest and grotesque tonight? I got two cute dresses (I need clothes that don't fall off of me!!!) for the cruise :) Don't have th emoney, but I need to revamp my closet. I literally have like 4 outfits that fit me because my mother and sister bought them over the past month for me. It sucks- but I LOVEEE the feeling of fitting into smaller clothes :) I think when I don't have control over what I eat for dinner are the nights where I feel even more disgusted with myself. Tonight we had salmon (HUGE ASS MOTHER FUCKING PIECE), orzo/quinoa/couscous salad, sauteed veggies, and wine for dinner. Of course everything has oil and/or butter in it. Also between breakfast and dinner I snacked a lot. didn't have a real lunch but I know that all of the fucking snacks I had defnitely made up for more than my lunch. Even just now i had nuts...why did I even eat them? I have NO IDEA. UGH. I am one nasty ugly motherfucker.
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