Yesterday
But something funny, odd, is going on with my computer. There is no selection for font at the moment. I don't know why...
I finished the 'fence' at Kay's yesterday, and realized it was the first wooden fence I'd built. I'd see enough built before, and I thought I knew the principles needed (obviously I did, since it's finished). I felt rushed and compulsed, and I was; I needed to get done in time to get cleaned up from sweating, and eat, before I met with my therapist. That was the second deadline. The other was to take the mid-term after some time to study.
The meeting with the therapist was difficult. It took me a while to warm up, and then we got into some arguments. Which is very un-like me; I'm not always that assertive in making my point and feelings clear. It seems I feel 'directed' rather than exploring. A lot was about 'trust', and my lack of it. It seems I have been told before to just do something and I will see it will make me happy, and instead it doesn't. So then I wonder what's wrong with me? If this is supposed to to be an experience that makes me happy, and everyone else happy, why do I not experience happiness? What did I do 'wrong'? I feel like this type of experience is what has led me to not trust the guidance of others, to allow for the experience, to feel the experience. I don't trust that others know my feelings (DUH!) or even care, for that matter.
I know trust developes in the first year of life, normally, or is supposed to; and there are other extenuating circumstances that can effect the accomplishment of that trait. But in this case there is something else, that I just recognized this morning in my self-talk. I am very much the individual and can sometimes reject or object to, the 'traditional' ways of doing things. There are times when I want the right to explore, to be creative, to "do it my way", knowing instinctively that my way can be 'better', at least for me. It's like I'm being coerced to question my instincts and intuition, and to subject myself to more stringent thinking. I don't believe my therapist thinks my need for details is important, or 'good'. In my case, as an HSP, I need the details in order to feel safe and comfortable. Remember, as an ex-construction superintendent and successful carpenter, I KNOW all the details of my project. I made it a point to know every aspect of what I was building, the importance of each element of the project being finished, in order to complete the job with the least amount of trouble, trouble being a key element in costs. One missed detail can cause a great deal of money to repair, and time. And I felt comfortable doing it. I had done well in computer science in school, programming, because it involved details; you can't desigm a computer program in a "kinda/sorta" way. If it's not detailed and exact the program won't do what it's supposed to be designed to do. And details are crucial to shy people in order to feel SAFE. The question is: how much safety is actually required?
Anyway, that's what's on my mind this morning. I hope everyone experiences a good day.
I finished the 'fence' at Kay's yesterday, and realized it was the first wooden fence I'd built. I'd see enough built before, and I thought I knew the principles needed (obviously I did, since it's finished). I felt rushed and compulsed, and I was; I needed to get done in time to get cleaned up from sweating, and eat, before I met with my therapist. That was the second deadline. The other was to take the mid-term after some time to study.
The meeting with the therapist was difficult. It took me a while to warm up, and then we got into some arguments. Which is very un-like me; I'm not always that assertive in making my point and feelings clear. It seems I feel 'directed' rather than exploring. A lot was about 'trust', and my lack of it. It seems I have been told before to just do something and I will see it will make me happy, and instead it doesn't. So then I wonder what's wrong with me? If this is supposed to to be an experience that makes me happy, and everyone else happy, why do I not experience happiness? What did I do 'wrong'? I feel like this type of experience is what has led me to not trust the guidance of others, to allow for the experience, to feel the experience. I don't trust that others know my feelings (DUH!) or even care, for that matter.
I know trust developes in the first year of life, normally, or is supposed to; and there are other extenuating circumstances that can effect the accomplishment of that trait. But in this case there is something else, that I just recognized this morning in my self-talk. I am very much the individual and can sometimes reject or object to, the 'traditional' ways of doing things. There are times when I want the right to explore, to be creative, to "do it my way", knowing instinctively that my way can be 'better', at least for me. It's like I'm being coerced to question my instincts and intuition, and to subject myself to more stringent thinking. I don't believe my therapist thinks my need for details is important, or 'good'. In my case, as an HSP, I need the details in order to feel safe and comfortable. Remember, as an ex-construction superintendent and successful carpenter, I KNOW all the details of my project. I made it a point to know every aspect of what I was building, the importance of each element of the project being finished, in order to complete the job with the least amount of trouble, trouble being a key element in costs. One missed detail can cause a great deal of money to repair, and time. And I felt comfortable doing it. I had done well in computer science in school, programming, because it involved details; you can't desigm a computer program in a "kinda/sorta" way. If it's not detailed and exact the program won't do what it's supposed to be designed to do. And details are crucial to shy people in order to feel SAFE. The question is: how much safety is actually required?
Anyway, that's what's on my mind this morning. I hope everyone experiences a good day.
Replies
The truth is I\'m worn out from yesterday. I spent all week on getting that fence built (only 15\' plus a gate), and bracing myself for the mid-term exam. I\'m hardly awake at the moment yet. I need a day of rest and recharging...
Did you every ask yourself, why do I put myself through this?
Why couldn\'t you pick another day to do the fence?
Another day to schedule your appointment with your therapist?
I chuckled when I read your post...... what are you going to do when you have a patient who doesn\'t care about the details and you want to give them to him.
You fee they are important and they don\'t!
To me, it still looks like inflexibility, rigidity and lack of confidence. If you don\'t have self-confidence, you never trust others.
Amaste-Namaste, Grasshopper.
Are you glad you finished the fence? Are you proud of your work? Or do you wish you had taken longer to make it how you wanted it to be?
It is good you have a day to rest and recharge. To me it seems that you want to do everything yourself. Make the diagnosis yourself, determine the proper treatment. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, you might be absolutly right in your assesments, but I can see how that would be threatening to a therapist.
I am glad I finished the fence. It turned out well. I\'m also proud of getting it right without ever having done it before. I didn\'t obsess over it being perfect, I just wanted it done.