Year 2
Hi all. It has been 2 years today since my baby boy died. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I just got out on the 26th. They wanted to keep me through the 2nd but I convinced them I could handle this day. It is not easy. I am lucky to have friends who care so much about me. I went and drove around a bit today. I feel like nothing has changed. I still expect him to come home. I still cry when I think I will never see him again. I still want to slap those who say "at least he didn't suffer". He had a seizure before he died. How do they know it didn't hurt? I just wish... well a lot of things.
I finally got around to reading the rest of the autopsy. I found out that he had some heart trouble (but that is not the reason he died). I wonder why he never told me that.
I am greatful for all of you here. Thank you for your support and kindness. It really has helped over the last 2 years. I know I haven't been much help to those of you who have been suffering and I a sorry for that.
I finally got around to reading the rest of the autopsy. I found out that he had some heart trouble (but that is not the reason he died). I wonder why he never told me that.
I am greatful for all of you here. Thank you for your support and kindness. It really has helped over the last 2 years. I know I haven't been much help to those of you who have been suffering and I a sorry for that.
Replies
Oh my friend... Did you get any relief from reading the autopsy? I know that\'s a strange and perhaps harsh question but I know I did. I needed (and need) information, from a third party. Jason had mild to moderate cirrhosis of his liver. Not due to alcohol but rather his weight. That had nothing to do with his death, I didn\'t know it, and neither did he.
I try my best to find compassion when someone says something like \"at least he didn\'t suffer\" but boy do I wish I was strong enough to get into it with them. Just like your comment, \"how do they know?\" And the thought of slapping, just a reflex reaction, you bet!
As you are now at the two year mark (and I am so sorry) I am coming up to the third year mark - January 25th will be 3 years. And I think we can both agree that as much as things have stayed the same, alot of things have changed, haven\'t they? Even the pain changes. I\'m pretty sure that you\'ll find that too as you maneuver your way through this coming year, it just does.
I was glad to see your journal. No, it\'s not easy. No, it probably never will be either. My tears began on Christmas day. They have not stopped yet.
Please keep journalling when you are strong enough. That\'s what we are here for. To listen, to hold each others hands and hearts.
Hand in hand, heart to heart... (((hugs))) Merrilee
I know 2 years feels like an eternity...and then at the same time, a blink of an eye. Working through all of the emotions of losing a child takes a lifetime. But as Meririlee said...it changes. For me,more than 8 years later, I can \"go there\" in an instant, cry instantaneously....but have found that I don\'t stay submerged in the grief like I used to. So,my hope for you is to know that the grief continues to change and your life incorporates this loss somehow. Joy ca n and does return.
I hope yhis day is as gentle as pissible.
Love and gentle hugs...Karen.
I send my prayers,,, 2 years is a long time and also a short time.... love and hugs...
I\'m thinking of you & hope you get through everything all right. 2 years...Sigh. Our son\'s 2nd angelversary is coming up on 1/13. I\'m already dreading it.
You\'ll be in my prayers as you start this 3rd year. Hope your sweet James Robert will be very close to you right now.
Hugs,
Donna
Everything has changed and nothing has changed is a feeling that I have felt as well. Just knowing that you are not alone on this path I hope brings comfort and only do what feels healing for you.
My first two years plus were a blur, foggy and I think it was a womb like state that I was being held in.
May you continue to feel held and cradled and I\'m so terribly sorry that James Robert is not with you in the ways that you had always hoped and imagined. Our work becomes learning how to have a relationship with them now. I\'m still learning and growing into this asking my son to companion me on this new path we walk together.
Gentle, gentle care and just this moment, day and one breath at a time. You are taking in the worst loss ever for a mom and it takes time, lots and lots of time and I remember how I really disliked hearing that from the women a few steps further along on this road, yet they were right and I just kept walking just as you are... Holding hands as we learn this new landscape together. We can do it and are...
Heartfelt (((hugs))) of SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
The second year for me was worse than the first. The first year I was in shock and remember very little. The second year the shock wore off and reality set in. It was 4 yrs. this past Sept. and I guess I am still in denial!! We all handle grief differently and there is no time limit at all.
Be gentle with yourself and always remember your sisters are all here with you.
(((HUGS))), Julia
I am so sorry you are on this path with us but also I thank God that we all have each other. It is a long journey full of all kinds of pain, that is for sure. I felt like I was in a fog for such a very long time. I can\'t believe I am still alive and standing more than 6 years later. The pain does change, I am not sure exactly how but many have felt it and many have said it, and I find it rings true for me. For many years, I don\'t believe I was able to reach out and help others much either and now I realize that it is okay. Perhaps you as well just needed the time yourself to recover and I am so grateful you are back and sharing with us now. Thank you for your journal and I honor James Robert and you, his mom.
Sending love,
Leda
Thank you all. It has been hard. I didn\'t get much out of the autopsy. My roommate is reading it and he understands it more more than I did. I do know that they did a very thorough job of it. The hospital stay was very helpful. I had to break the downward spiral of the depression. I just wish all of us didn\'t have to go through this. Thank you all for your help.
Just passing the two year mark, I found this past year absolutely terrible. My emotions are so unstable @ times and my energy level is still low....my thoughts get carried away sometimes and my heart just breaks into so many little pieces, I often think I will never be able to put it back together again.
I, too, hate being here sometimes, but I am so grateful for being here and that I have understanding here with compassion that I am unable to find anywhere else. I am so sorry....I\'m here with you. Vicki
I am so sorry that I did not get to your post yesterday. I am terrible at keeping track of dates.
Angel Days and so hard.They are harsh reminders that we have lost our precious children. All the horror is brought back. I am not sure about you, but I relive every moment on Lisa\'s Angel Day.
Tears are good. I still cry a lot; not the gut wrenching weeping. But I shed a tear when I think about a significant event, see something she liked, find a photo of her,or hear a song she liked. I suspect this will be my life forever, and that is okay. I also laugh a lot now (it took a long time to feel true joy), enjoy time with friends.
Just know that we do care and understand. I wish I could help make things easier for you.
Love and tight hugs, M