Xmas #3

I never would have imagined that I would be a widow at this point in my life. I never would have imagined that I would be a widow 3 xmas' in a row at 43 years old. Or that my heart would be ok. That I could look at my Xmas tree, all beautifully decorated and feel joy. The sadness is still there at times, but not the pit. I've learned how to skirt that pit and stay out of it.
I never would have imagined that I would be engaged at 43 and looking forward to Xmas morning with my fianc and seeing his silly smile.
Life if funny! Twists and turns.... It's exciting and sad.
I'm still trying to figure some things out. Like how I can love again like this. How another man has the power in my life to break my heart. My heart was so protected and shielded from any more pain. But this one came in like a bull and held me until the walls broke and the light shone into the dark places.
I'm still trying to figure out my changes. I've definitely changed. More reflection. More letting go. Less worry. More giving. Less busy. More time reflecting.
Loving life again.