wrote this last night- today is mucho better

-didn't like it when Carlos said that I am looking more like a woman and not a little girl. Fuck that. I want to be a little girl. Fuck growing up.-I hate my boobs. I'd rather starve and have them disappear. They look horrendous.-when I run I can feel fat jiggling. It's gross. And everything hurts. If someone pokes or squeezes any part of my body it hurts. Like it is sore. Are my muscles sore because they are growing back?-I want my bones back. Fuck eating. I need my bones. Even if my weight stays the same and I can see my bones, that's fine. I want my stomach to go inwards.-I gained 12 pounds in 3.5 weeks. Wtf. No. Whatever about the weight. I just want to look good. Just want some flat abs and pure muscle. no more jiggling. I hate how my ass jiggles. And my boobs sticking straight out. And my love handles.-how can I possibly be happy with my body now. I was kind of happy before but now there is NOTHING about it that makes me semi happy. I'm horrendous and disgusting. I am one giant piece of lard.-I want to be happy in my body and b able to look at myself and like what I see.-I do not want to gain anymore weight. I will not.-my intake HAS to decrease. Nothing else is acceptable.-I need to get toned but in yhr past when I have worked out I have never achieved that. I want to know how.  I want a sexy sculpted body. I don't care what it fucking takes.-I refuse to buy bigger clothes.Of course now I am crying. Like Joanna said on Wednesday this is where I get myself anxious and upset. Obviously its true. But it doesn't have to be this way and I should be strong enough to not let it go in that direction. Clearly I am getting much better at that- but it's not working right now. No matter what my mind keeps going back to these thoughts. These thoughts alway come up and I try to ignore them- but that's not working at the moment. I'm just not happy at all with myself. Not even a slight bit. And I don't know how I am going to get that way. And why does everyone seem to disregard all these thoughts that I have. I can't live with these thoughts forever. And how the fuck is ignoring them going to help? Don't they need to be worked on in order to change them. But whenever I say them they are either ignored or argued against. Okay so I know that not everyone thinks the way I do about myself and my body, but how the hell am I going to believe them. I have tried, I have tried convincing myself that what I say and think are lies and that everyone else is right. It doesn't fucking work. If I keep feeling this way doesn't it make sense that I will eventually get tired of it and go back to old habits? Hmm maybe what I am saying is that if my thoughts don't change that I will go back. That was not my intention by writing all this, but it would make sense.I am just so sick and tired of looking hideous, feeling disgusting, and feeling so fucking helpless. I am tired and done- but I also don't want to fail others. Clearly I am not doing this for myself, but obviously for others. I still hope that I will change and do it for myself, but I am feeling more and more helpless.Fuck this bullshit.